10 Things I learned from the Free Games section at Nickel Nickel

So yesterday I went to Nickel Nickel. For those of you unfamiliar with Nickel Nickel, it is an arcade where prices that would normally be in quarters, are in nickels. Now, these places are not generally known for the quality of their games (As would be expected when paying a fifth of the usual price), but the one I went to yesterday was one of the most ghetto establishments I have ever patronized. Nearly every machine there was broken in some way, whether the grips were mssing from the joysticks, or it was just plain not working.
At the back of every Nickel Nickel is a section of free games, usually consisting of exceptionally outdated games or ones that would eat up way too many nickels to be fun. I've always figured this section was for kids at birthday parties (Nickel Nickel hosts children's parties) whose parents were too cheap to give them a lot of nickels to play while they waited for the rich kids to finish playing the good games. I found myself in this section when I ran out of nickels a half hour before the rest of my friends and I learned a few life lessons:
1. Michael Jackson was actually a powerful mage.
2. Ninja explode when they die.
3. In addition to the proton packs, the Ghostbusters also carried machine guns.
4. The speed of a bullet varies between 2 and 15 miles per hour.
5. Besides the more well known martial arts weapons, Ninja also carried cartoonishly large mallets and futuristic machine guns.
6. When Michael Jackson comes in contact with a chimpanzee, he will turn into a laser shooting robot.
7. The maximum altitude of a helicopter, is roughly 30 feet.
8. The term "cowboys" actually refers to a race of anthropomorphized cows that lived in the American southwest in the late 1800s.
9. When facing a 40 foot tall, obese conehead with rocket launchers for hands and a tank chassis instead of legs, keep in mind that his entire torso might just be a decoy to protect his real head, which is growing directly out of the tank chassis.
10. Robots are assholes. No exceptions.

How I Lost my Wallet (The Tale of the Spiderking)

So I was camping and since Monterey was only about an hour or so away I decided to go visit the aquarium. With my daughter. On a Tuesday. Unfortunately, I was warned against this by a talking squirrel. To protect his identity I shall refer to him simply as "Colonel Doogan Zanzibar of the 115th Liberian People's Militia". I would later findout he had been drinking bacon grease (which is the equivalent of 90 proof liquor to squirrels) but at the time he seemed a trustworthy rodent. He gave me $500 and told me to wait in a clearing atop a mountain. There I met a man, clad in a blood red suit of armor accesorized with pink pearl earrings who introduced himself as Rakdar of the North. He took the money the squirrel gave me and handed me a sword, whioch appeared to be glowing faintly, a sickly green color. He then led me down a winding path on the other side of the mountain into a grove of increasingly dense black trees. At the bottom of the mountainwe met another man, clad in faded linens and a simple turban. This was Al-Farid Son of the Desert Wind. He had a short conversation with Rakdar in a language I did not understand which appeared to regard a gentleman known as the Spiderking. At one point, Al-Farid gestured toward my sword, which I now realised was glowing a bright neon green. Suddenly a loud, primal scream ended their conversation and I looked up at Al-Farid just in time to see the mysterious man being lifted into the air by a pair of enormous spider legs. The legs were connected to a body nearly three feet wide, with six more legs propelling the beast into the open. However, in place of a head there was the torso of a wild looking man, bare chested and holdign a pair of curved swords. On his head was a crown woven from spider silk. Al-Farid managed to free himself and ducked away as Rakdar drew his own sword. He shouted a fierce warcry and battle was joined.After a fierce confrontation during which Rakdar took three of the beast's legs in exchange for a bloody chunk of hsi shoulder, he subdued the monster and instructed me to finish off the Spiderking with my own blade, which now glowed with an unnatural green fire in the prescence of the thing it was forged to slay. I plunged the blade into the heart of the monster's torso and he let out an earth shattering scream before dissolving in to a cloud of green mist. When the mist dissipated Rakdar, the SPiderking, and AL-Farid were gone, along with my clothes, the sword, and my wallet. It turned out that Colonel Zanzibar, Rakdar, and Al-Farid were travelling Gypsy conmen and I had fallen for one of the oldest grifts in the book.

11 fun "facts" about Michael "James" Armor

Why? Because I am extremely egotistical! No, not really.I don't really believe that people are all that interested in me, but I know one perso nwho is, ME! So, really its more narcississm than egotism. No one ever bothers sending me one of those 25 facts or whatever htings, and I felt left out. Why 11? Because it's one more than ten. 1. My middle name is James. I often put it in quotes to trick people into thinking it is my nickname. If anything my nickname is either DR. THunder, Fuchismo, The Raging Potato, Gene, Armdog, or simply my last name, pronounced incorrectly. 2. I talk to myself WAY more than a normal person should. I spend roughly 80-90% of my time alone. As a result I have EXTREMELY POOR SOCIAL SKILLS. Because I am not used to talking to other, non-crazy people. 3. After midnight, anything I suggest is a bad idea. Without sleep, my body diverts energy from decision-making, to dancing. 4. If I am not interested in a conversation, I will dance to the music in my head. My head is like an iPod with a corrupted memory, and I will not hesitate to dance or sing along to the fragments of songs in there. 5. See six 6. I really enjoy texts, comments, etc. Again, I spend most of my time alone, and so any interaction with the outside world is like fucking christmas. Even if its someone I hate. So, text me sometime! It's not like I am doing anything worhtwhile. 7. MY time is basically worthless. I do nothing everyday. hell, right now, this is essentially pointless time-wasting unti lthe good tv shows come on at 10ish. 8.I am not a liar. I prefer the term "Fabricator of Extravagant Falsehoods". What's the difference? Liars expect you to believe them, I just do it for fun. 9. I am afraid of whales, Megan Fox, and sprts equipment being thrown at my head. (Thanks PE!). Fun idea: try throwing a baseball at my head and watch me cower in fear behind the nearest person or object. I can say that because I don't actually expect people to read this far through the list. 10. I like to write short stories, draw, and I have made over fifty episodes of a powerpoint animated thingy. I like showing them to people. Ask me about it. 11. My perfect job would be a puppet ruler for a secret government. All the flamboyant cosutmes with none of the responsibilities. Failing that, world famous Hollywood director would be nice... So yeah, I guess that was ten after all because five was sort of a cop-out. Well, I aint here to impress nobody god-damn it! I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA! APPARENTLY A MAN CAN'T DECIDE HOW LONG HIS LIST OF FACTS SHOULD BE! APPARENTLY WE LIVE IN SOVIET GOD DAMN RUSSIA!

Unlce Archie's Meandering Tales of Dubious Coherence: Eli Whitney and the Cotton Gin

So, you have a History report? I bet you’re just going to go on the computer and use the googles on the Wikipedia! You damn kids are all too reliant on the devil-boxes these days. When I was your age, we used books damn it! I didn’t fight the god damn Viet Cong so you could have a magic box tell you all the answers! And besides, you don’t need a god damn computer, you have me! I lived History, and I can tell you all you need to know about “Eli Whitney and the Invention of the Cotton Gin” I remember Eli Whitney, Bear of a Man! Fought with him in the war! We really showed Hitler what was what! No, I don’t think it’s god damn implausible that I fought in both WW 2 and ‘Nam, God damn it! Now shut up and listen! Don’t think cause we’re related that I won’t cut you! See this bayonet? I killed 14 Japs in six hours at the Battle of Normandy using this bayonet! I will kill you where you stand! Where was I? Oh yeah! Eli Whitney was born in a small mountain town in the frozen wastes of El Salvador. His Father was an Ice Fisherman, and his Mother stayed home to work on the plantation. Because back then, they had a real notion of what work was! Not like this office crap with you’re My Space and your iPods! We worked nine long hours of backbreaking work, then ate lunch, then worked another nine hours, then we got to go home to rest up for the next day and listen to Chuck Berry on the radio, now he may have been a colored man, but he could really sing, not like the god damn Soulja Boy Biggie Smalls crap you damn kids listen to! Anyways, in 1895, Eli had moved to New York to find his fortune, as you did in those days, when he was approached by a man named Nikola Tesla. Now Tesla, was developing a new Death Ray to kill Commies in Korea but he needed help defending his lab from that carpetbagger Edison! Oh that Edison was a right hoodlum! Always stealin’ ideas and corruptin’ the youth! It’s because of that bastard that we have the god damn television in the first place! Course he stole the idea from Farnsworth, like all his inventions. The man couldn’t invent his way out of a paper bag! He was just a god damn thug who stole ideas. Like this one time I came up with this idea for an electrical light bulb and that bastard just came and stole it! Claimed he came up with it too, the bastard! It was a glorious day when Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders finally took him down when they stormed his Menlo Park “laboratory”. Now Eli was one of only three men in charge of Tesla’s security, because Tesla had a thing with threes, crazy he was, but a damn genius, and so Edison always sent at least ten of his thugs in an attack, because the devious bastard didn’t believe in a god damn fair fight! Edison’s thugs came at him and the other two lads ran scared, as you would if you saw ten big jumped up hooligans coming toward you with pipes and chains and whatnot, but Eli stood his ground! He picked up a horse’s jawbone and beat em down like they were children! Of course, this was after they stopped using children as thugs in the 1870s. After the sound whuppin’ Eli gave ‘em, Edison’s boys slinked off to their master like whipped dogs and Edison threw himself a temper tantrum! What? What the hell is an “Industrial Revolution”? I’m getting to the damn Cotton Gin, god damn it! Kids today don’t know how to tell a god damn story! With their damn moving pictures, all these damn kids want is explosions and harlots! That god damn Michael Bay is a joke! D.W. Griffiths, now that was a director! So he had a few men in blackface and glorified the Klan, so what? He made some damn fine movies! Where was I? You keep interrupting me! So now Edison’s ragin’ like an Irishman and so he sends a hundred men to take out Eli and ransack Tesla’s lab. Tesla knows they’re comin’ and so he lets Eli use some of the stuff he was working on for the U.S. Army. Edison’s three-hundred men come moseying on down the street, with chains and pipes and whatnot, when they see a sight that shakes the bravest of ‘em to the bone! Eli comes stompin’ down the street in one a Tesla’s steam-powered battle suits! He wades into the crowd and starts roughin’ em up left and right, batterin’ and layin’ about with his big metal claws! He takes out five-hundred in less than an hour and the rest just ran on home. That rat bastard Edison didn’t come round Tesla’s lab after that! Now it just so happens that Teddy Roosevelt himself witnessed the fight from the observation deck of his war zeppelin. What’s that? You don’t tell me who did and didn’t have a war zeppelin! Roosevelt saw Eli’s tremendous bravery and thought that a man like this was needed on the front lines! So he recruited him right then and there to help fight the communist French! That’s where I first met him. I was in his unit when he led the charge up Jean Paul Hill and when he led the charge back down the hill right into the French capital! We showed those Krauts what they get when they mess with America! Now, after the war, came the Great Depression. Makes this silly Recession you damn kids are complaining about seem god damn prosperous in comparison! Hell, I would have given my left foot to grow up nowadays! When I was a kid, we didn’t have god damn Wal-Mart and Costco to buy food, we ate whatever the hell dad brought home, food or not! I remember one day he brought home a soiled newspaper that he had found in a puddle, and we dug in like it was a god damn thanksgiving turkey! Of course we had to save some of it, to patch the roof with, because we didn’t have Mexicans layin’ about everywhere to fix everything, we did everything ourselves, like god damn Americans should! Teddy Roosevelt got us out of the depression when the damn Viet Cong bombed Pearl Harbor and we had to go bail out the Irish again. Once again I found myself serving under the legendary Eli Whitney. We were on a commando raid, to plant one of Tesla’s lightning bombs right in the Fuhrer’s command center! Those French bastards almost got us a couple times but we planted it alright. That’s right, we took down Jean-luc Hitler himself! After the war, we went our separate ways. Eli decided to return to his roots in El Salvador to take over the family cotton plantation. It was there that he invented the cotton gin to improve the efficiency of their workforce. There! Are you happy! Tell that to your god damn Hippy teacher. I hope you learned some god damn history today you little bastard. Yes I’m sure that was how it went down! What do you mean it’s impossible for me to have fought in World War One and grown up during the Depression? I don’t need any of your god damn Sass! Now fetch me a sandwich and some whiskey!

I'd like to talk to you about Jesus

Well this is the story all about how, his life got flipped turned upside down. I'd like to take a minute (Just sit right there) to tell you all about how jesus became the King of the Jews. In West Nazareth, Born and raised, in the temple is where he spent most of his days. Chillin out, prayin, relaxin, all cool, performin some miracles outside of school, when a couple of Romans (Who were up to no good) started makin trouble in his neighborhood. He got in one little crucifixion and his dad got scared, he sadi "Yea and ye shall give thy life, and their sins shall be forgiven". He whistled for a cloud and when it came near, the license plate said FRESH and it had dice in the mirror. If anything he thought that this cloud was rare, but he thought, "Nah Forget It, yo homes, to heaven!" He pulled up to the gates around seven or eight and yelled to saint peter "yo homes, smell ya later" he looked at his kingdom, he was finally there, to sit on his throne, as the King of the Jews.