The movie opens with a terrified (ah, I get it) young man being buried alive in concrete by some sort of crazy person with a hood obscuring his face. An older gentleman is in the background, just sort of watching it happen. Like a douche. We then see a couple driving along the road, sputtering some insipid bullshit about something or other. I'm sorry, after watching five of these movies before this I pretty much just tune out most of the dialogue. As they are driving, another car approaches them from the other direction, then moves into their lane and drives right toward them. The wife of the couple freaks out but for some reason the husband is oddly calm about the whole thing. This is not some subtle plot point, I'm pretty sure he was just a terrible actor. They arrive at a restaurant and... hold on. I just realized a major hole in the story, but I'll tell you about it later. The couple talks to the owner of the restaurant, a man named Wesley Blake. Meanwhile, Marge, the hostess of the restaurant is sitting with her boyfriend David and being harassed by two random jerks. Then they leave, having served no purpose in the story. A few minutes later, Marge's other boyfriend, Ken, walks in and explains that he too almost got run off the road by the same crazy driver. They also discuss the man with the black mask from the opening sequence. Apparently the young man who was being buried alive in concrete was Joey, Marge's brother and Ken's best friend. He somehow survived being buried up to his neck in concrete but his mind was broken and he was admitted to a mental hospital. So, I guess there was no physical damage from being buried alive in fucking concrete and then presumably removed with jackhammers. Apparently the older gentleman who watched it go down is a man named Crazy Bill, who lives at a place called Ghost Town. They never really explain what the hell this place is, but it is filled with old western style buildings and is next to a cemetery. Marge decides she wants to go talk to Crazy Bill about what happened to Joey or something. Ken, who is a psychology student doing a paper on the nature of terror, doesn't want to go to Ghost Town because it reminds him of the loss of his best fried Joey. Now, Joey was also Marge's brother but that's not stopping her from going there with her other, non-pussy boyfriend. Mr. Blake makes a comment to Ken about the fact that David might steal Marge from him. Meanwhile, David tells Marge that he doesn't like her dating Ken. I think she is supposed to just be Ken's girlfriend, but she is also dating David. The whole thing is really fucking confusing. Especially when Marge falls asleep in the car and David just starts making out with her while she sleeps. So they get to Ghost Town and, even though they know exactly where Crazy Bill lives, they decide to fuck around in the old, dilapidated buildings for a while. Marge reveals that she is just as much of a pussy as Ken, although it is justified because she is a woman and Ken is (allegedly) a man. While exploring one of the old shacks, David falls through the floor. While he is down there something touches Marge's face and she freaks the fuck out. Then the funeral march starts playing mysteriously and so finally they decide to actually go to Crazy Bill's house. Back in town, the Hollys (the old couple from before) report the crazy driver to the police. The old man angrily informs the sheriff that his wife is upset. The sheriff calmly informs them that this driver just likes to scare people and misses on purpose. Meanwhile Marge and David walk into Crazy Bill's house, uninvited, and David announces their presence by saying "It's David. I've got Marge with me." They see a shadow and this prompts Marge to say "Bill! It's Marge, I'm with David." My guess is that Crazy Bill always thought that Marge and David was a better pairing than Marge and Ken and so they are trying to reassure him that they are together. Either that or the person responsible for writing the dialogue in this movie is an idiot. Throughout all this Marge and David find no evidence that Bill is there, yet remain convinced that he is just fucking with them. Maybe the reason he is called "Crazy" is because he routinely abandons his house with the front door unlocked and then hides when people come in unless they are in the appropriate pairings. However, it turns out that Crazy Bill is dead. Marge and David find his body impaled on one of those spiky Gothic fences. His body is still warm, and so they decide to go tell the sheriff that the killer is, in fact, at the place he was most likely to be at. Back at their car they see that Ken has overcome his fear and go look for Joey. Which seems weird at first until we learn roughly ten minutes later that Joey escaped from the mental hospital. I guess Ken found out about it, and didn't bother explaining himself to Marge and David, who didn't find out this information until the audience does. This is not good storytelling. You have to explain why someone is doing something either before they do it, or while they are doing it. Not ten minutes later. So Marge and David drive off, leaving Ken to explore the place he is terrified of by himself. In their defense they did warn him that the serial killer is there, he just decided to stay anyway because his fear and terror wouldn't let him leave. Really Ken? Because that seems like the opposite of what those feelings should be doing. We then see that the masked maniac is watching them and looking around all suspiciously. In addition to looking for the character that we do not yet know needs to be looked for, Ken is also determined to catch the masked man. He does this by wandering through the dilapidated buildings. The Masked Maniac (as I will be calling him from now on) takes this opportunity to fuck with Ken. He locks him in a room with a couple spiders in it, from which Ken escapes in like ten seconds, leads him on wild goose chases through the saloon, and traps him in an easily escapable basement. Throughout this, Ken remains convinced that the Masked Maniac is actually Joey, despite the fact that he speaks in a much lower voice and, oh yeah, it is already well established that Joey lost his mind. Ken makes repeated attempts to talk to Joey/the Maniac who continues to taunt him and trap him in easily escapable situations. Finally the Maniac catches up to Ken and chokes him into unconsciousness. Meanwhile Marge and David are driving away and Marge recounts how her father was murdered and her mother died in a car accident and it kind of seems like there is someone slowly picking off everyone she loves. She even points out that next on the list would be David and Ken. You know, Ken, the guy they just left in a ghost town that is the confirmed location of the murderer. So they stop at a restaurant or something and while David calls the sheriff Marge chats with another couple and finds out that Joey has escaped from the mental hospital. So, Marge and David decide to go back to Ghost Town to look for him. Because if I got buried alive in concrete the first place I would go is the place it happened. Back at Ghost Town, Ken wakes up in the rain to the maniacal laughter of the Masked Maniac. Despite this, he remains convinced that it is Joey and calls out to him. The Maniac then tells him some stuff that I don't remember but he says it in a really deep, hypnotist like voice. Ken is trapped in a basement and the hooded maniac is blocking the trap door out. Then for some reason, the hooded maniac just wanders off and lets him out. Luckily for him, Ken trips over absolutely nothing only minutes later, giving the Maniac the chance to knock him out and tie him to a chair. Ken easily escapes from the chair, proving once again that the Maniac is just terrible at trapping people in things. Ken breaks a window and escapes from the room, while the Maniac watched him through a hole in the wall. This whole thing seems like a considerably lamer version of Saw. Then there is some maniacal laughter, the Maniac calls out Ken's name in a creepy manner and then he chases Ken into the wilderness or something, leading up to the lamest fight scene I have ever seen. It makes that scene of Captain Kirk fighting that lizard guy seem like the Matrix. At some point, a piece of wood teleports into Ken's hands. The whole scene doesn't really feel like the desperate struggle it is probably supposed to be, it just seems rather silly. Finally the Maniac pulls out the gun that he has apparently had the entire time and starts shooting. Ken locks himself in a jail for protection, but then he sees a noose out one of the windows. The Maniac taunts him and tells him to hang himself, which causes Ken to freak the fuck out. The Maniac then goes on to recount the story of a boy named Charlie that he hanged or something. Ken buggers off and the Maniac cuts down the noose, presumably to use later (spoiler alert: he never takes it out again). Meanwhile Marge and David begin searching for Joey, hoping to find him before the police do. While this is going on Ken has made his way into Crazy Bill's house for some reason. While he searches around for... something, the maniac watches him through a rectangular hole in the wall. Then Ken climbs some random ladder he found and the Maniac runs into the middle of the street for some reason. At this point I was officially bored of Ken running from the Maniac. It's just like a big game of Hide-and-Go-Stare-Creepily-At. Finally the Maniac once again catches Ken and knocks him out. This time he takes the precaution of binding his hands and feet. He takes him to the cemetery and puts him in an open grave. Ken begins hallucinating the voices of his parents arguing about how Ken is a pussy. The Masked Maniac then reveals that his name is Terror! and proceeds to bury Ken alive, though he uses dirt this time. Meanwhile Marge and Ken arrive at Ghost Town and notice Ken's car is missing. They begin their search by shouting his name and then wandering into a random dilapidated church. They hear him scream and at first it seems as if they are going to do nothing. Eventually they decide to go out into the street to shout his name some more. They have no concept of stealth whatsoever. Across the street they see a flashlight pointing at a window, apparently being held by some someone having a seizure.They too suspect that Joey is the Masked Maniac. Yes because apparently he buried himself in concrete. They go into another building and the Masked Maniac walks through the room they are standing in. Apparently none of the characters saw each other because they act like nothing happened. They then see him enter a saloon or something across the street and decide that this is merely a distraction. So they logically decide to go to the place that is furthest from the saloon, the cemetery. This is the most contrived way of advancing the plot I have ever seen. I think the film makers just didn't feel like filming another hour of the Maniac fucking with people in old buildings. At the cemetery, they find Ken partially buried, and determine that he is dead. After all that they just fucking kill off his character. Well played, film makers, well played. As they leave, the maniac comes up behind them and knocks out David, and then chokes Marge into unconsciousness before carrying her off. At this point the sheriffs arrive and find David. They revive him with smelling salts and he calmly sits down in the police car, apparently not caring too much that Marge is missing. The sheriff explains that Joey has been caught and is not longer insane. The reason he escaped is that he remembered who the killer was and decided to go catch him himself. I can see why he and Ken were friends. He told the police that someone lured him to the cemetery by telling him that Marge was in danger and that is when the Maniac caught him. The sheriff, who also mentions that Wesley Blake, Marge's only friend who has not been killed/knocked out, is a ventriloquist, reveals that David's retarded theory from before is completely accurate. Apparently the entire time the Masked Maniac was... *gasp* Wesley Blake! The one who was at the restaurant while the Maniac was running people off the road. WHAT!?!? No. You can't do that. That is retarded. I hate you so much, Terrified! Anyways, so David just calmly chats about being unconscious until the sheriff reminds him that Marge is missing. David gets deputized and they determine that Blake is in the mine. Meanwhile Marge wakes up to see her old pal Wesley Blake, wearing the exact same suit as the Masked Maniac. Luckily for Blake, she is retarded and does not immediately put two and two together. She does get a bit creeped out when Blake starts cradling her in his arms like a baby, trying to kiss her, and muttering like a crazy person about how he is the only one she has left. He also says that he would never hurt her, because apparently strangling her into unconsciousness doesn't count. The police surround the mine while David wanders off somewhere. They order Blake to come out, then burst in, leap to the ground and start wildly firing. David, who somehow got above the underground chamber from outside leaps down into the room as well. The film ends at this point with Blake dead and Marge and David together. Interestingly, the only character who got his own title screen in the credits was Stephen Roberts as Wesley Blake, which was superimposed over a scene of his dead body right before the end. I give this movie a 3 out of 5 for entertainment, and a 0 out of 5 for technical skill.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Terrified!
So school has started and I have been neglecting the Gorehouse Greats collection. Mostly because I have been held prisoner by Tenango for the past three days and do not have access to them. However, before my kidnapping I did manage to watch Terrified! and yes, the exclamation point is completely necessary. I'd give you a basic outline of the plot but frankly, I could not tell you what the hell the plot was supposed to be.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Nightmare in Wax
So the latest movie I watched in the Walmart Gorehouse Greats collection was called Nightmare in Wax. I was apprehensive at first because I thought it might be similar to Paris Hilton's movie House of Wax. There are some similarities between the two movies, but I think I actually liked House of Wax better, because at least I got to see Paris Hilton get murdered in a hilarious fashion. This film only has one murder, and it is not particularly hilarious.
The movie opens at some sort of party to celebrate the engagement of two actors, Tony DEan and Marie Morgan. The party is hosted by producer Max Black, who is wearing creepy sunglasses that made me think he was blind at first. Now, I actually had to glean these names from the closing credits, because the sound quality of this movie is atrocious and I could not understand a lot of the dialogue. Based on the rest of the movie, I don't think I was missing much. After the party Tony gets dropped off in a parking garage, and the camera becomes the point of view of someone following him. Right before Tony enters an elevator, he turns to face the camera and recognizes whoever it is, shortly before being hypodermic needled and falling to the ground. The title credits then roll over the elevator door repeatedly closing on his limp body in the doorframe, which I personally found hilarious. It then cuts to a wax museum, where the caretaker is leading a tour group. This caretaker is actually my favorite character, he's funny, he's charming, and he isn't as obnoxiously angsty as every other character in the movie. It's a shame he only gets a few minutes of screentime. The latest exhibit at the museum is a set of wax figures of a group of recently disappeared celebrities, to which Tony Dean is soon to be added. Apparently, the police found this just as suspicious as I did and deployed Detective Haskill and his less important partner, Detective Carver. They meet with the master sculptor of the wax museum, a mysterious looking dude with an eyepatch and what are apparently supposed to be burns on his face. The detectives question him, and we see a flashback of the eyepatch guy, who I eventually determined was named Vincent Rinard, before he got the burns and pirate monocle. Apparently he used to be the head makeup artist for Max Black and was in love with Marie Morgan. However when they got to Max, who used to date Marie I guess (like I said, I couldn't understand a lot of the dialogue), he tossed a glass of adult beverage at Vince's face as he was lighting a cigar, causing his head to burst into flames and prompting him to fall screaming out of a window into a convenient swimming pool. After this flashback, the detectives leave Vincent alone after he subtly hints that Max probably did it, and he begins talking to a creepy, very realistic wax head of a blonde woman. Oh, and also he collects shrunken heads, though this isn't really important to the plot beyond establishing him even further as a creepy motherfucker. We then see another flashback of Vincent in the hospital, with bandages covering his face clutching some sort of statue of a head. Marie says something to him about him ignoring her and he smashes the head on the ground. Back in the present, Marie calls up Vincent and says she wants to talk about something. After he gets off the phone with her, it is revealed that Tony Dean is still alive, though he is blue for some reason and has a cut up face. He also keeps mumbling "Hello Marie" over and over again. Then Max decides to pay Marie a visit to try and convince her to be in the new Alfred Herman suspense picture. I'm guessing the name is a shout out to Alfred Hitchcock. Marie refuses because of her grief over the disappearance of Tony. Max begs her to reconsider, claiming that his backers will withdraw from the project if she's not in it. Then Vincent shows up and he and Max have an awkward "Remember that time you set my face on fire" moment. Max leaves and Vincent gives Marie an extremely awkward kiss where he basically grabbed her chin and smushed her face into his. He then takes a seat and she asks him about the wax figure of Tony Dean he is "working on". She wants to have it for herself, and though Vince warns her that she might become a creepy recluse who talks to inanimate objects, you know, like him, he agrees. However, in exchange he wants Marie to model for a new wax figure, which she agrees to, apparently not finding itcreepy at all. That night, the caretaker, Nick, while on his rounds of chatting up the wax figures in a way that is way less creepy than what Vince does, notices that one of the figures of the recently disappeared celbrities blinked at him several times. He goes to tell VIncent, who assures him that he is a filthy, filthy drunk and is seeing things. Nick believes him for some reason, despite being completely sober, and agrees not to tell anyone about it. Once Nick leaves, Vincent has a villainous expository monologue where he tells the wax head he's been talking to that he is actually keeping the celebrities in stasis with some sort of mind control zombie serum. Apparently, if he orders them to stand completely still and not breathe, they will, in fact, not suffocate a few minutes later. Because of science. He then goes to some sort of bar, and we learn that the wax head is actually modelled after a showgirl named Theresa. After she is done dancing she goes and talks to Vincent, revealing that she is incredibly dumb and has an annoying voice. Oh, and also she is an aspiring actress who knows Max Black. She agrees to bring Max by the Wax Museum that night once Vincent finishes her figure. We then cut to the movie set, where Max and Alfred Herman discuss how to get Marie to appear in the picture. They somehow settle on filming part of it at the Wax Museum as a tribute to Tony Dean. I'm nto sure how that works, but OK. So Alfred goes over there and has a nice conversation with Vince about VInce's research into hypnosis and putting people in stasis. Alfred finds nothing weird about that at all and leaves shortly after. That night, Theresa and Max drive over to the Museum, while being followed by a mysterious white car. They get there and go into Vince's workshop, which looks suspiciously like a mad scientist's lab (probably because that's basically what it is). Vince shows off the wax head, and Theresa is fucking orgasmic over how great it is. Vince then serves them wine to celebrate. However, the wine is drugged! Max is paralyzed and Vince takes the opportunity to reveal his nefarious plan, removing the sheet over Tony Dean's head and informing them that he is still alive. Unfortunately, Theresa did not drink her wine so Vince decides to kill her. What follows is the most retardedly drawn out scenes of a killer stalking an attractive blonde woman I have ever seen. She trips over things, she screams, he follows at an excruciatingly slow pace, she fails to escape anyway. There's even a part where he actualyl puts a mask on his hand, and comes up behind her to scare her with it. All done with a completely serious expression on his face. At one point you think he's got her when he gets a noose around her neck but she screams and gyrates her way out of it. Finally, Vince catches up to her and for some reason they make out. Just as Theresa thinks it was all some weird joke, BAM! he murders the shit out of her. Vince then injects Max with the zombie serum, while the producer tells him that he will never get away with it. This isn't just generic good guy rhetoric, as it turns out the white car following him was the two detectives from earlier. Vince takes Theresa's body and steals Max's car, leading the detectives away. During the ensuing chase scene, Vince's creepiness factor skyrockets as he begins talking to the dead body, calling her Marie, and even kissing her at one point. He asks her to scream at one point and then confuses the police siren with a scream, prompting him to cackle maniacally. Finally the chase ends at a dock, and Vince leaves the car. The detectives find the dead body and then go after him. Susoense ensues. The detectives wander into a warehouse, Vince locks them in, and then they easily escape minutes later. He throws a tire into the water to... okay I don't know what he was doing there. Then the detectives wander into the exact same warehouse and he locks them in again. This time, however, they do not escape for some reason and Vince gets away. What follows is an extremely odd scene of Vince just walking along the beach at sunrise. I... don't... know. The next day Marie learns that Max is suspected of murdering Theresa and has disappeared. The Detectives once again pay a visit to the museum, and after remarking that it would be a really weird coincidence if Vince was already working on a MAx figure, they find Max's head, dressed up wit ha clown nose and wig. Seriously. The Detectives leave again, but Haskill decides to hide out in the museum unti after it closes. Marie arrives at the museum and Vince proceeds to lock her in a cabinet, exposing only her head, which is apparently what he has been keeping Tony and Max in. He allows his zombies to breathe and move and then prepares to enact his vengeance on Max by lowerign him slowly into a vat of molten wax. At this point, Detective Haskill notices the other celebrity figures moving into the lab and follows them, where he is thwarted in his attempts to stop them by having his gun knocked into the vat by a knife wielding zombie celebrity. That was a fun sentence to type. The other zombies restrain Haskill as Vince continues to gloat. Suddenly, Max bursts out laughing, and begins taunting Vince. Vince, being an idiot, lunges at him, despite the fact that he is suspended over a god damn vat of molten wax. Vince falls into the vat, and his life flashes before his eyes while the images of the rest of the characters appear above him, all laughing. Then, just like that, the movie ends. WHAT!?! I give this movie a 2 out of 5 for entertainment and a 2 out of 5 for technical skill.
The movie opens at some sort of party to celebrate the engagement of two actors, Tony DEan and Marie Morgan. The party is hosted by producer Max Black, who is wearing creepy sunglasses that made me think he was blind at first. Now, I actually had to glean these names from the closing credits, because the sound quality of this movie is atrocious and I could not understand a lot of the dialogue. Based on the rest of the movie, I don't think I was missing much. After the party Tony gets dropped off in a parking garage, and the camera becomes the point of view of someone following him. Right before Tony enters an elevator, he turns to face the camera and recognizes whoever it is, shortly before being hypodermic needled and falling to the ground. The title credits then roll over the elevator door repeatedly closing on his limp body in the doorframe, which I personally found hilarious. It then cuts to a wax museum, where the caretaker is leading a tour group. This caretaker is actually my favorite character, he's funny, he's charming, and he isn't as obnoxiously angsty as every other character in the movie. It's a shame he only gets a few minutes of screentime. The latest exhibit at the museum is a set of wax figures of a group of recently disappeared celebrities, to which Tony Dean is soon to be added. Apparently, the police found this just as suspicious as I did and deployed Detective Haskill and his less important partner, Detective Carver. They meet with the master sculptor of the wax museum, a mysterious looking dude with an eyepatch and what are apparently supposed to be burns on his face. The detectives question him, and we see a flashback of the eyepatch guy, who I eventually determined was named Vincent Rinard, before he got the burns and pirate monocle. Apparently he used to be the head makeup artist for Max Black and was in love with Marie Morgan. However when they got to Max, who used to date Marie I guess (like I said, I couldn't understand a lot of the dialogue), he tossed a glass of adult beverage at Vince's face as he was lighting a cigar, causing his head to burst into flames and prompting him to fall screaming out of a window into a convenient swimming pool. After this flashback, the detectives leave Vincent alone after he subtly hints that Max probably did it, and he begins talking to a creepy, very realistic wax head of a blonde woman. Oh, and also he collects shrunken heads, though this isn't really important to the plot beyond establishing him even further as a creepy motherfucker. We then see another flashback of Vincent in the hospital, with bandages covering his face clutching some sort of statue of a head. Marie says something to him about him ignoring her and he smashes the head on the ground. Back in the present, Marie calls up Vincent and says she wants to talk about something. After he gets off the phone with her, it is revealed that Tony Dean is still alive, though he is blue for some reason and has a cut up face. He also keeps mumbling "Hello Marie" over and over again. Then Max decides to pay Marie a visit to try and convince her to be in the new Alfred Herman suspense picture. I'm guessing the name is a shout out to Alfred Hitchcock. Marie refuses because of her grief over the disappearance of Tony. Max begs her to reconsider, claiming that his backers will withdraw from the project if she's not in it. Then Vincent shows up and he and Max have an awkward "Remember that time you set my face on fire" moment. Max leaves and Vincent gives Marie an extremely awkward kiss where he basically grabbed her chin and smushed her face into his. He then takes a seat and she asks him about the wax figure of Tony Dean he is "working on". She wants to have it for herself, and though Vince warns her that she might become a creepy recluse who talks to inanimate objects, you know, like him, he agrees. However, in exchange he wants Marie to model for a new wax figure, which she agrees to, apparently not finding itcreepy at all. That night, the caretaker, Nick, while on his rounds of chatting up the wax figures in a way that is way less creepy than what Vince does, notices that one of the figures of the recently disappeared celbrities blinked at him several times. He goes to tell VIncent, who assures him that he is a filthy, filthy drunk and is seeing things. Nick believes him for some reason, despite being completely sober, and agrees not to tell anyone about it. Once Nick leaves, Vincent has a villainous expository monologue where he tells the wax head he's been talking to that he is actually keeping the celebrities in stasis with some sort of mind control zombie serum. Apparently, if he orders them to stand completely still and not breathe, they will, in fact, not suffocate a few minutes later. Because of science. He then goes to some sort of bar, and we learn that the wax head is actually modelled after a showgirl named Theresa. After she is done dancing she goes and talks to Vincent, revealing that she is incredibly dumb and has an annoying voice. Oh, and also she is an aspiring actress who knows Max Black. She agrees to bring Max by the Wax Museum that night once Vincent finishes her figure. We then cut to the movie set, where Max and Alfred Herman discuss how to get Marie to appear in the picture. They somehow settle on filming part of it at the Wax Museum as a tribute to Tony Dean. I'm nto sure how that works, but OK. So Alfred goes over there and has a nice conversation with Vince about VInce's research into hypnosis and putting people in stasis. Alfred finds nothing weird about that at all and leaves shortly after. That night, Theresa and Max drive over to the Museum, while being followed by a mysterious white car. They get there and go into Vince's workshop, which looks suspiciously like a mad scientist's lab (probably because that's basically what it is). Vince shows off the wax head, and Theresa is fucking orgasmic over how great it is. Vince then serves them wine to celebrate. However, the wine is drugged! Max is paralyzed and Vince takes the opportunity to reveal his nefarious plan, removing the sheet over Tony Dean's head and informing them that he is still alive. Unfortunately, Theresa did not drink her wine so Vince decides to kill her. What follows is the most retardedly drawn out scenes of a killer stalking an attractive blonde woman I have ever seen. She trips over things, she screams, he follows at an excruciatingly slow pace, she fails to escape anyway. There's even a part where he actualyl puts a mask on his hand, and comes up behind her to scare her with it. All done with a completely serious expression on his face. At one point you think he's got her when he gets a noose around her neck but she screams and gyrates her way out of it. Finally, Vince catches up to her and for some reason they make out. Just as Theresa thinks it was all some weird joke, BAM! he murders the shit out of her. Vince then injects Max with the zombie serum, while the producer tells him that he will never get away with it. This isn't just generic good guy rhetoric, as it turns out the white car following him was the two detectives from earlier. Vince takes Theresa's body and steals Max's car, leading the detectives away. During the ensuing chase scene, Vince's creepiness factor skyrockets as he begins talking to the dead body, calling her Marie, and even kissing her at one point. He asks her to scream at one point and then confuses the police siren with a scream, prompting him to cackle maniacally. Finally the chase ends at a dock, and Vince leaves the car. The detectives find the dead body and then go after him. Susoense ensues. The detectives wander into a warehouse, Vince locks them in, and then they easily escape minutes later. He throws a tire into the water to... okay I don't know what he was doing there. Then the detectives wander into the exact same warehouse and he locks them in again. This time, however, they do not escape for some reason and Vince gets away. What follows is an extremely odd scene of Vince just walking along the beach at sunrise. I... don't... know. The next day Marie learns that Max is suspected of murdering Theresa and has disappeared. The Detectives once again pay a visit to the museum, and after remarking that it would be a really weird coincidence if Vince was already working on a MAx figure, they find Max's head, dressed up wit ha clown nose and wig. Seriously. The Detectives leave again, but Haskill decides to hide out in the museum unti after it closes. Marie arrives at the museum and Vince proceeds to lock her in a cabinet, exposing only her head, which is apparently what he has been keeping Tony and Max in. He allows his zombies to breathe and move and then prepares to enact his vengeance on Max by lowerign him slowly into a vat of molten wax. At this point, Detective Haskill notices the other celebrity figures moving into the lab and follows them, where he is thwarted in his attempts to stop them by having his gun knocked into the vat by a knife wielding zombie celebrity. That was a fun sentence to type. The other zombies restrain Haskill as Vince continues to gloat. Suddenly, Max bursts out laughing, and begins taunting Vince. Vince, being an idiot, lunges at him, despite the fact that he is suspended over a god damn vat of molten wax. Vince falls into the vat, and his life flashes before his eyes while the images of the rest of the characters appear above him, all laughing. Then, just like that, the movie ends. WHAT!?! I give this movie a 2 out of 5 for entertainment and a 2 out of 5 for technical skill.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Blood of Dracula's Castle
Now when I first purchased the Gorehouse Greats collection, I had certain expectations in mind. Up until now, the movies I have watched have been bad, but nothing worth writing home about. Blood of Dracula's Castle is exactly what I expected from an old horror movie. It is a terrible movie and I absolutely love it.
To begin with, the quality of the film itself that they used to make the DvD was just awful. There are burns in the film and bright green and blue vertical lines in half the scenes. It sort of looked like some sort of laser prison. I am not complaining, this just adds to the feel of the movie. It's what Tarantino and Rodriguez were trying to replicate with Grindhouse.
The opening scene is of a brutish man dressed in the manner of aa medeival peasant chasing a woman around a forest as the credits roll. He eventually captures her and we see that he is supposed to be some sort of monstrous type guy with really weird make-up that makes him look like he has a sever skin disease. After the opening credits we go to a very fifties-ish Sea World kind of place where a woman, a model, is being photographed by her fiancee, a photographer. IT keeps showing clips of random sea world animals like dolphins and seals and sort of reminds me of one of those fifties documentary/propaganda films about everyday American life. I also noticed that the price of admission was 50 cents for adults and 25 cetns for children, and I find this hilariously dated. I mean, hell there isn't even a keystroke to make that little "cents" symbol anymore, because that is absurdly cheap. Anyways, so the photographer, a Mr.Glen Cannon (awesome name by the way), gets a letter informing him that his uncle has died and left him the family castle. This plot was parodied on Futurama once if I recall. However, the catch is that there is a couple already living in the castle, who used to pay Glen's uncle rent. What Glen doesn't know is that they are *gasp* vampires! We find this out in the next scene which has the monster skin disease man, who is hilariously named Mango bringing the girl he captured at the beginning to a dungeon filled with several other attractive women. Geroge, the vampire couple's butler rewards Mango by letting him take one of the other women back to the Mangocave, where he presumably ate/raped/had a tea party with her. We then learn that these women are actually just a backup supply of blood for the vampires, the Count and Countess Townshend. Their primary supply comes from another of their servants, a man named Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. No, not that Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. Unfortunately Johnny is currently in a mental institution. Luckily he bribes a guard to let him knock him out and escapes. We then cut to a scene where the vampires find out about their new landlords and we learn they sleep in coffins. How Cliche. Meanwhile johnny is on the run from the guards at the mental institute and their dogs! They chase him deep into the wilderness, where Johnny comes across a random woman in a bikini sitting in the middle of a shallow river. Not a quiet, relaxing river, it was fucking rocky rapids with no one else around. Johnny proceeds to pick her up, take her to a different part of the rapids, and drown her. That's what she gets for sunbathing in the middle of the fucking woods. Johnny then follows the river until he loses his pursuers and comes across a man fixing his car. He kills the man, takes his gun and jacket and takes off in the car. Soon he comes across a hitchhiker. Not wanting to pass up the opportunity to murder someone for no reason, he stops, allows the man to approach the car, and shoots him in the head. Then, to add insult to... well, murder, he eats the lunch the guy had with him. Finally he makes it back to the castle where he has a very expositiony conversation wtih George about how they all worship Luna, the moon goddess. Johnny even claims that the full moon is what makes him kill people. Even though the last people he killed, he killed in broad daylight. We then cut to the happy couple, arguing in an extremely obnoxious manner about some inane bullshit on their way to their new castle. Apparently Lis, the model, has decided that they should live in the castle and so they are going to evict the Townshends. They arrive and we see the exterior of the castle, which actually looked to me more like a ranch. They had horses and everything. I guess if it is made of piles of grey stone and has crenellations, it is a castle. The couple goes inside and meets the vampires and explain that they are kicking them out. The Townshends then tell them how fucking retarded trying to live in a castle with no electricity filled with rats, spiders, and who knows what else is. However, Liz wants it, and what Liz wants, Liz gets. Jesus Christ Glen, grow some balls. So while Glen and Liz go check out their bitchin' new castle, Johnny and the Townshends discusss what is to be done and talk about the finer points of vampirism. Glen and Liz spend the night in the castle and are awoken by the tortured screams of young women being tortured. The enxt day they ask Johnny about it and he assures them that it is merely "Toucans". What? Toucans? They live in a fucking desert. Then again, they live in a castle, in a fucking desert. Glen decides to investigate anyway and discovers the dungeon full of women. He and Liz are then captured by the Vampires and their henchmen. Glen valiantly tries to fight his way to freedom by barreling headfirst into Mango's gut. Sadly this does not work out too well for him. Glen and Liz get locked up until that night and the vampires tell that if they do not sign the castle over to them, Liz will be sacrificed to the moon. To demostrate their point, that night they all head out to an altar, including the other prisoners for some reason, and sacrifice the woman from the opening by burning her alive. Glen agrees to sign the castle over and so they head back. However, as he is about to sign he suddenly grabs Johnny's gun and kills him. Since these vampires are apparently vulnerable to bullets, Glen now has the upper hand. He goes downstairs to free the other prisoners and encounters George, wielding a pretty badass whip and morningstar combo. Glen manages to defeat him and free the prisoners. He then goes upstairs and guns down the vampires. Seriously? They died that easy? Well, actually they turned to dust and bats flew out of their shirts, never to be seen again. And so it seems that Glen and Liz are victorious! But wait! Mango! Mango, seeing that everyone he has ever known is now dead, picks up George's morningstar and chases down Glen and Liz for vengeance! Glen tries shootign him but bullets are useless against the mighty Mango! Glen then tries ineffectually tossing the empty gun at Mango, as if a thrown handgun will succeed where several bullets to the chest have failed. Despite being incredibly slow, Mango somehow catches up to them, knocks out Glen, and takes Liz to be sacrificed at the altar. As he is covering her with gasoline, Glen sneaks up behind him and finds an axe that is lying in the bushes for some reason and lodges it in the piece of wood clearly visible in the back of Mango's shirt. He then pours gasoline on the monster, activates soem fire effects on his body, and kicks him off a cliff, where he spontaneously transforms into a crappy mannequin before hitting the ground. These are seriously some of the worst effects I have ever seen. I give this movie a 4 out of 5 for entertainment, and a -6 out of 5 for technical skill.
To begin with, the quality of the film itself that they used to make the DvD was just awful. There are burns in the film and bright green and blue vertical lines in half the scenes. It sort of looked like some sort of laser prison. I am not complaining, this just adds to the feel of the movie. It's what Tarantino and Rodriguez were trying to replicate with Grindhouse.
The opening scene is of a brutish man dressed in the manner of aa medeival peasant chasing a woman around a forest as the credits roll. He eventually captures her and we see that he is supposed to be some sort of monstrous type guy with really weird make-up that makes him look like he has a sever skin disease. After the opening credits we go to a very fifties-ish Sea World kind of place where a woman, a model, is being photographed by her fiancee, a photographer. IT keeps showing clips of random sea world animals like dolphins and seals and sort of reminds me of one of those fifties documentary/propaganda films about everyday American life. I also noticed that the price of admission was 50 cents for adults and 25 cetns for children, and I find this hilariously dated. I mean, hell there isn't even a keystroke to make that little "cents" symbol anymore, because that is absurdly cheap. Anyways, so the photographer, a Mr.Glen Cannon (awesome name by the way), gets a letter informing him that his uncle has died and left him the family castle. This plot was parodied on Futurama once if I recall. However, the catch is that there is a couple already living in the castle, who used to pay Glen's uncle rent. What Glen doesn't know is that they are *gasp* vampires! We find this out in the next scene which has the monster skin disease man, who is hilariously named Mango bringing the girl he captured at the beginning to a dungeon filled with several other attractive women. Geroge, the vampire couple's butler rewards Mango by letting him take one of the other women back to the Mangocave, where he presumably ate/raped/had a tea party with her. We then learn that these women are actually just a backup supply of blood for the vampires, the Count and Countess Townshend. Their primary supply comes from another of their servants, a man named Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. No, not that Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. Unfortunately Johnny is currently in a mental institution. Luckily he bribes a guard to let him knock him out and escapes. We then cut to a scene where the vampires find out about their new landlords and we learn they sleep in coffins. How Cliche. Meanwhile johnny is on the run from the guards at the mental institute and their dogs! They chase him deep into the wilderness, where Johnny comes across a random woman in a bikini sitting in the middle of a shallow river. Not a quiet, relaxing river, it was fucking rocky rapids with no one else around. Johnny proceeds to pick her up, take her to a different part of the rapids, and drown her. That's what she gets for sunbathing in the middle of the fucking woods. Johnny then follows the river until he loses his pursuers and comes across a man fixing his car. He kills the man, takes his gun and jacket and takes off in the car. Soon he comes across a hitchhiker. Not wanting to pass up the opportunity to murder someone for no reason, he stops, allows the man to approach the car, and shoots him in the head. Then, to add insult to... well, murder, he eats the lunch the guy had with him. Finally he makes it back to the castle where he has a very expositiony conversation wtih George about how they all worship Luna, the moon goddess. Johnny even claims that the full moon is what makes him kill people. Even though the last people he killed, he killed in broad daylight. We then cut to the happy couple, arguing in an extremely obnoxious manner about some inane bullshit on their way to their new castle. Apparently Lis, the model, has decided that they should live in the castle and so they are going to evict the Townshends. They arrive and we see the exterior of the castle, which actually looked to me more like a ranch. They had horses and everything. I guess if it is made of piles of grey stone and has crenellations, it is a castle. The couple goes inside and meets the vampires and explain that they are kicking them out. The Townshends then tell them how fucking retarded trying to live in a castle with no electricity filled with rats, spiders, and who knows what else is. However, Liz wants it, and what Liz wants, Liz gets. Jesus Christ Glen, grow some balls. So while Glen and Liz go check out their bitchin' new castle, Johnny and the Townshends discusss what is to be done and talk about the finer points of vampirism. Glen and Liz spend the night in the castle and are awoken by the tortured screams of young women being tortured. The enxt day they ask Johnny about it and he assures them that it is merely "Toucans". What? Toucans? They live in a fucking desert. Then again, they live in a castle, in a fucking desert. Glen decides to investigate anyway and discovers the dungeon full of women. He and Liz are then captured by the Vampires and their henchmen. Glen valiantly tries to fight his way to freedom by barreling headfirst into Mango's gut. Sadly this does not work out too well for him. Glen and Liz get locked up until that night and the vampires tell that if they do not sign the castle over to them, Liz will be sacrificed to the moon. To demostrate their point, that night they all head out to an altar, including the other prisoners for some reason, and sacrifice the woman from the opening by burning her alive. Glen agrees to sign the castle over and so they head back. However, as he is about to sign he suddenly grabs Johnny's gun and kills him. Since these vampires are apparently vulnerable to bullets, Glen now has the upper hand. He goes downstairs to free the other prisoners and encounters George, wielding a pretty badass whip and morningstar combo. Glen manages to defeat him and free the prisoners. He then goes upstairs and guns down the vampires. Seriously? They died that easy? Well, actually they turned to dust and bats flew out of their shirts, never to be seen again. And so it seems that Glen and Liz are victorious! But wait! Mango! Mango, seeing that everyone he has ever known is now dead, picks up George's morningstar and chases down Glen and Liz for vengeance! Glen tries shootign him but bullets are useless against the mighty Mango! Glen then tries ineffectually tossing the empty gun at Mango, as if a thrown handgun will succeed where several bullets to the chest have failed. Despite being incredibly slow, Mango somehow catches up to them, knocks out Glen, and takes Liz to be sacrificed at the altar. As he is covering her with gasoline, Glen sneaks up behind him and finds an axe that is lying in the bushes for some reason and lodges it in the piece of wood clearly visible in the back of Mango's shirt. He then pours gasoline on the monster, activates soem fire effects on his body, and kicks him off a cliff, where he spontaneously transforms into a crappy mannequin before hitting the ground. These are seriously some of the worst effects I have ever seen. I give this movie a 4 out of 5 for entertainment, and a -6 out of 5 for technical skill.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Movies With Just Michael: The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
So last night I did not watch another movie from the Gorehouse Greats collection. Instead I went and saw The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus with my good friend Lauren. Now, since there is a chacne you will actually want to see this movie, I will not give away the ending, as I usually do. Instead I am going to take a more traditional approach. I will also be using a different rating system, since the one I currently have in place will not do this movie justice.
First off, I'd just like to say I am really surprised this movie did nto get more attention than it did. Not only was it Heath Ledger's last film (he died a third of the way through production) but it is also an AMAZING movie. The visual effects, the characters, everything in this movie is just stunning.
The film centers around Dr. Parnassus and his troupe of travelling entertainers. Dr. Parnassus made a deal with the devil (or, more accurately, several wagers) in order to gain immortality, youth, and the ability to let people enter their own imaginations through a magic mirror. However, the catch is that any children he has are turned over to the Devil, or Mr. Nick as he is referred to, at he age of 16. When the film begins, Dr. Parnassus' lovely daughter Valentina (he calls her "Scrumpy" for some reason) is three days away from turning 16. Not wanting to give up his daughter, Parnassus makes another bet with the devil that he can get five souls before the devil can. He does this with his imagination mirror. Once inside people are shown their wildest dreams, there for the taking, but the Devil is also there and he will try to tempt them into selling their souls. This choice manifests itself in several ways throughotu the movie. To a rowdy drunk who accidentally wanders in, he is presented with a daunting mountain that will lead him to sobriety and a better life, as well as a humble tavern shaped like a derby. To a rich older woman The One-Nite Stand motel beckons to her across a bridge, while a gondola awaits below the bridge to take her to purity and eternal youth. Parnassus and his troupe (which consists of himself, his daughter, a young sleight-of-hand artist named Anton, and a little person named Percy who is also immortal) find a young man named Tony hanging below a bridge, saved by a metal pipe shoved in his mouth to prevent his throat from closing. He claims to have lost his memory and there are weird symbols etched into his forehead, which Parnassus take as a sign. They decide to let him stay with him and find him to be remarkably good at getting people to give them money. However, he also has a very shady past, that I am not going to give away. A love triangle develops between Tony, Valentina, and Anton, as Tony and Valentina fall for each other, and Anton, who has always loved Valentina, becomes increasingly mistrustful of Tony. Is he right to be suspicious? Watch the movie and find out.
As I said before, the visual effects in this film are amazing, each imagination is unique and yet breath-taking in its own way. Even the temple where Parnassus first meets Mr. Nick is just larger than life and looks incredible.
Another interesting thing about this movie is that Tony(Heath Ledger's character) and, to a lesser extent, the drunk guy I mentioned earlier, look different within the world of the imagination. This was actually done because of the unfortunate death of Ledger before all of his scenes could be films. However it actualyl works out really well. In the three different imaginations he enters Tony is portrayed by Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell. Even though he was only on screen for a few minutes, I really liked Johnny Depp's performance.
Well, I have run out of things to say that will not spoil the movie, so in closing I give this movie a 9 out of 10. It was very entertaining and very well made and I totally reccomend it.
First off, I'd just like to say I am really surprised this movie did nto get more attention than it did. Not only was it Heath Ledger's last film (he died a third of the way through production) but it is also an AMAZING movie. The visual effects, the characters, everything in this movie is just stunning.
The film centers around Dr. Parnassus and his troupe of travelling entertainers. Dr. Parnassus made a deal with the devil (or, more accurately, several wagers) in order to gain immortality, youth, and the ability to let people enter their own imaginations through a magic mirror. However, the catch is that any children he has are turned over to the Devil, or Mr. Nick as he is referred to, at he age of 16. When the film begins, Dr. Parnassus' lovely daughter Valentina (he calls her "Scrumpy" for some reason) is three days away from turning 16. Not wanting to give up his daughter, Parnassus makes another bet with the devil that he can get five souls before the devil can. He does this with his imagination mirror. Once inside people are shown their wildest dreams, there for the taking, but the Devil is also there and he will try to tempt them into selling their souls. This choice manifests itself in several ways throughotu the movie. To a rowdy drunk who accidentally wanders in, he is presented with a daunting mountain that will lead him to sobriety and a better life, as well as a humble tavern shaped like a derby. To a rich older woman The One-Nite Stand motel beckons to her across a bridge, while a gondola awaits below the bridge to take her to purity and eternal youth. Parnassus and his troupe (which consists of himself, his daughter, a young sleight-of-hand artist named Anton, and a little person named Percy who is also immortal) find a young man named Tony hanging below a bridge, saved by a metal pipe shoved in his mouth to prevent his throat from closing. He claims to have lost his memory and there are weird symbols etched into his forehead, which Parnassus take as a sign. They decide to let him stay with him and find him to be remarkably good at getting people to give them money. However, he also has a very shady past, that I am not going to give away. A love triangle develops between Tony, Valentina, and Anton, as Tony and Valentina fall for each other, and Anton, who has always loved Valentina, becomes increasingly mistrustful of Tony. Is he right to be suspicious? Watch the movie and find out.
As I said before, the visual effects in this film are amazing, each imagination is unique and yet breath-taking in its own way. Even the temple where Parnassus first meets Mr. Nick is just larger than life and looks incredible.
Another interesting thing about this movie is that Tony(Heath Ledger's character) and, to a lesser extent, the drunk guy I mentioned earlier, look different within the world of the imagination. This was actually done because of the unfortunate death of Ledger before all of his scenes could be films. However it actualyl works out really well. In the three different imaginations he enters Tony is portrayed by Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell. Even though he was only on screen for a few minutes, I really liked Johnny Depp's performance.
Well, I have run out of things to say that will not spoil the movie, so in closing I give this movie a 9 out of 10. It was very entertaining and very well made and I totally reccomend it.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Movies With Just Michael: Blood Mania
First of all, I'd just like to say that the title of this movie is very misleading. Yes, there was Blood. Yes there was Mania. There was not, however, Blood Mania.
From the very beginning I could tell that this was not going to be some undiscovered gem. The opening sequence is a girl with orange hair fleeing from a man in extremely shitty zombie make-up in some sort of darkened graveyard. During one of the many gratuitous freeze frames of this title sequence I realized that the woman was wearing nothing but an extremely see-through silk dress. "Oh good" I thought, "Titties". This is what's known as foreshadowing. It turns out that this is all the dream of a fairly old man lying in bed, who summons a woman who is painting to his side. The woman, cold and professional, brings him his lunch. I was shocked to find out that this was not just some nurse, but his daughter, Victoria. Still thinking about the tits from the opening sequence (because I am a heterosexual man) I thought to myself "Hmm I wonder if this actress will show her tits at some point" In hindsight, that thought is completely hilarious for reasons that will sonn become clear. From the conversation between the man and Victoria we learn that he is a doctor and that he is being treated by the sexy Craig Cooper, M.D. The M.D. stands for Massive Di... sorry, I thought this was a 70s porno. Perhaps I got that impression from Craig stripping down and getting into the tub with his extremely nude wife. Or when Victoria went out to talk to the poolboy and took off her robe to reveal that she was topless, then she got in the pool with him. I am not making that scene up. By 10 minutes in, you have seen the tits of every actress who has been shown on screen so far. We then meet Dr. Cooper's former partner, Mr. Mills, who is the douchiest person I have ever seen. Apparently, Craig is in some serious shit and Mills wants $50,000 to keep quiet. Once Mills leaves, his wife (or possibly girlfriend?) gets him to talk about it. It seems that Craig is in trouble for performing DUN DUN DUN... abortions! *gasp*. This was probably a much bigger deal back in the early 70s when this movie was made. Craig then goes to Victoria's father's house to check up on him and then he and Victoria take drugs and have sex for several minutes of screen time. Seriously. There's just a five minute sequence of them slowly spinning with a black background and a lot fo fade outs and close-ups where they're just groping each other. Five minutes may not seem like much but this is only an eighty minute movie. So Craig tells Victoria that he needs $50,000 and as a sidenote that the drugs they just took would be fatal to someone with a heart condition. And then he is genuinely surprised when Victoria uses the drug to kill her father and get her inheritance. I guess medical schools had lower standards back then. However before that happens there is a brief scene where Sheryl, Craig's wife/girlfriend agrees to have sex with Mills in order to get Mills to get off Craig's back. Of course afterwards Mills goes back on his word. And then an interesting thing happens: Sheryl disappears from the movie entirely. She is never mentioned again, by anyone. Anyway, so Victoria kills her father with the drugs, causing him to hilariously sit bolt upright for a few seconds. Oh, and one thing I found kind of interesting is that while waiting for the drugs to take effect she just takes her shirt off and stares at her tits in the mirror. It's like she's allergic to tops or something. Afterwards Craig arrives to investigate and she gets the absolute worst "I totalyl didn't do it" face I have ever seen before admitting to Craig what she had done. Craig is horrified! Then they have sedx again. Next she goes to the lawyer and we learn that she has a sister who is flying in for the reading of the will. Once she arrives with her... friend, an older woman who is obviously a lesbian, though no one ever uses the word, they read the will and: Surprise! The father decided not to leave all his money to his cold, spiteful bitch of a daughter. Needless to say Victoria is not happy about this and has an extremely hilarious mental breakdown, forcing Craig to sedate her and confie her to her room. Unfortunately, with the introduction of Victoria's sister Gail, there is now an attractive female character that Craig has not had sex with! So after being warned to stay away by the older lesbian woman, Craig takes Gial with him on his rounds to visit some of his patients... at the renaissance fair... and the beach. After spending several hours together making out, they return home and decide to go for a swim in the pool. Victoria is in her studio and sees them, then starts what I like to call "Ragepainting". Then Craig and Gail have sex, and, needless to say, gratuitous nudity ensues. Gail's lesbian friend then decides to leave, after seeign definitive proof that Gail is not a lesbian. Seriously. Then Gail tells Victoria that Craig refused the $50,000 he needed, implying that he has fallen in love with Gail. That night Gail, who apparently shares her sister's hatred of clothing that covers her breasts, is murdered by Victoria. Craig becomes suspicious and drives over to break in, all to the tune of what sounds like a mashup of Porno and horror movie music, which is oddly appropriate. Craig finds out that Victoria killed Gail and an intensely hilarious botu of bad acting ensues as he decides to get rid of the body for her. Then.. Oh Shit! Mills comes back for absolutely no reason at all and stares at her, while Craig looks on with a constipated look on his face. Then we see the painting Victoria has been working on is a portrait of Craig with the exact same constipated face holdign a skeleton in front of a murderertastic background. Then the movie ends. Everything about this movie, from the gratuitous nudity, to the end credits that lists even characters who had names as "blackmailer", "father" etc., and even the short running time just screams "Porno". I highly suspect that they just edited out all the penetration and called it a horror movie. I give it a 3 out of five for entertainment, a 1/2 out of 5 for technical merit, and a 5 out of 5 for Titties.
From the very beginning I could tell that this was not going to be some undiscovered gem. The opening sequence is a girl with orange hair fleeing from a man in extremely shitty zombie make-up in some sort of darkened graveyard. During one of the many gratuitous freeze frames of this title sequence I realized that the woman was wearing nothing but an extremely see-through silk dress. "Oh good" I thought, "Titties". This is what's known as foreshadowing. It turns out that this is all the dream of a fairly old man lying in bed, who summons a woman who is painting to his side. The woman, cold and professional, brings him his lunch. I was shocked to find out that this was not just some nurse, but his daughter, Victoria. Still thinking about the tits from the opening sequence (because I am a heterosexual man) I thought to myself "Hmm I wonder if this actress will show her tits at some point" In hindsight, that thought is completely hilarious for reasons that will sonn become clear. From the conversation between the man and Victoria we learn that he is a doctor and that he is being treated by the sexy Craig Cooper, M.D. The M.D. stands for Massive Di... sorry, I thought this was a 70s porno. Perhaps I got that impression from Craig stripping down and getting into the tub with his extremely nude wife. Or when Victoria went out to talk to the poolboy and took off her robe to reveal that she was topless, then she got in the pool with him. I am not making that scene up. By 10 minutes in, you have seen the tits of every actress who has been shown on screen so far. We then meet Dr. Cooper's former partner, Mr. Mills, who is the douchiest person I have ever seen. Apparently, Craig is in some serious shit and Mills wants $50,000 to keep quiet. Once Mills leaves, his wife (or possibly girlfriend?) gets him to talk about it. It seems that Craig is in trouble for performing DUN DUN DUN... abortions! *gasp*. This was probably a much bigger deal back in the early 70s when this movie was made. Craig then goes to Victoria's father's house to check up on him and then he and Victoria take drugs and have sex for several minutes of screen time. Seriously. There's just a five minute sequence of them slowly spinning with a black background and a lot fo fade outs and close-ups where they're just groping each other. Five minutes may not seem like much but this is only an eighty minute movie. So Craig tells Victoria that he needs $50,000 and as a sidenote that the drugs they just took would be fatal to someone with a heart condition. And then he is genuinely surprised when Victoria uses the drug to kill her father and get her inheritance. I guess medical schools had lower standards back then. However before that happens there is a brief scene where Sheryl, Craig's wife/girlfriend agrees to have sex with Mills in order to get Mills to get off Craig's back. Of course afterwards Mills goes back on his word. And then an interesting thing happens: Sheryl disappears from the movie entirely. She is never mentioned again, by anyone. Anyway, so Victoria kills her father with the drugs, causing him to hilariously sit bolt upright for a few seconds. Oh, and one thing I found kind of interesting is that while waiting for the drugs to take effect she just takes her shirt off and stares at her tits in the mirror. It's like she's allergic to tops or something. Afterwards Craig arrives to investigate and she gets the absolute worst "I totalyl didn't do it" face I have ever seen before admitting to Craig what she had done. Craig is horrified! Then they have sedx again. Next she goes to the lawyer and we learn that she has a sister who is flying in for the reading of the will. Once she arrives with her... friend, an older woman who is obviously a lesbian, though no one ever uses the word, they read the will and: Surprise! The father decided not to leave all his money to his cold, spiteful bitch of a daughter. Needless to say Victoria is not happy about this and has an extremely hilarious mental breakdown, forcing Craig to sedate her and confie her to her room. Unfortunately, with the introduction of Victoria's sister Gail, there is now an attractive female character that Craig has not had sex with! So after being warned to stay away by the older lesbian woman, Craig takes Gial with him on his rounds to visit some of his patients... at the renaissance fair... and the beach. After spending several hours together making out, they return home and decide to go for a swim in the pool. Victoria is in her studio and sees them, then starts what I like to call "Ragepainting". Then Craig and Gail have sex, and, needless to say, gratuitous nudity ensues. Gail's lesbian friend then decides to leave, after seeign definitive proof that Gail is not a lesbian. Seriously. Then Gail tells Victoria that Craig refused the $50,000 he needed, implying that he has fallen in love with Gail. That night Gail, who apparently shares her sister's hatred of clothing that covers her breasts, is murdered by Victoria. Craig becomes suspicious and drives over to break in, all to the tune of what sounds like a mashup of Porno and horror movie music, which is oddly appropriate. Craig finds out that Victoria killed Gail and an intensely hilarious botu of bad acting ensues as he decides to get rid of the body for her. Then.. Oh Shit! Mills comes back for absolutely no reason at all and stares at her, while Craig looks on with a constipated look on his face. Then we see the painting Victoria has been working on is a portrait of Craig with the exact same constipated face holdign a skeleton in front of a murderertastic background. Then the movie ends. Everything about this movie, from the gratuitous nudity, to the end credits that lists even characters who had names as "blackmailer", "father" etc., and even the short running time just screams "Porno". I highly suspect that they just edited out all the penetration and called it a horror movie. I give it a 3 out of five for entertainment, a 1/2 out of 5 for technical merit, and a 5 out of 5 for Titties.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Movies With Just Michael: The Devil's Hand
Last night I reviewed another movie from Walmart's Gorehouse Greats collection, the 1962 film, The Devil's Hand. This will probably be shorter than yesterday's since I do not have to go off on a tangent about what constitutes a good movie so let's get started.
First off, the music playing over the opening credits sounded like it belonged in a surfing compilation video (and I should know, my physics teacher used to play them after tests). This just seemed a bit weird to me and it's never really explained, except that the same music is later playing in one of the main characters apartments.
The opening scene is a park where Donna (I wrote down everyone's name this time) is waiting for her boyfriend, Rick Turner, who arrives and nonchalantly reveals that he has lost his job, though I don't recall him saying why. They then exposition it up for a bit, talking about their relationship, before Rick tells Donna abotu a recurring dream he's been having of a beautiful woman dancing over a background of clouds. They actually show this and I'd just like to point out that despite being made a year earlier than Madmen of Mandoras, the special effects are much better. They then go for a walk into town where they come across a doll shop with a doll that looks just like the woman from Rick's dream in the window. They go inside and the shady dollshop owner informs them that Rick is the one who ordered and paid for the doll, despite Rick's denial of this. They also see a doll of Donna that was supposedly ordered by someone else. After a arguing for a little while, the couple leaves and once they are gone the doll shop owner sticks a pin in Donna's doll, causing her extreme pain in a stereotypical voodoo type fashion. That night Rick has another dream about the woman who tells Rick to find her and bring the doll from the doll shop. He does this and apparently either falls under some sort of trance or is a terrible boyfriend because he starts hardcore making out with her. The mysterious woman is named Bianca Minot, and is a member of a cult that worships... Gamba The Devil God of Evil. That is probably the stupidest name for a diety I have ever heard. She takes Rick to a meeting of the cult, attended by several other couples and a pair of out-of-place looking fat guys (who will become important later). There is also a skinny black guy playing these weird bongoes, one of my favorite characters, by the way. The drummer guy plays one of the most epic bongo drum soloes I have ever heard to announce the arrival of the cult's leader, the man who owns the doll shop. He then announces that Gamba requires a sacrifice and a woman is brought in. The sacrificial device is basically a Russian Roulette chandelier with swords. It's pretty ridiculous. The chandelier spins and the swords descend but luckily the sheath that hit the woman did nto have a sword in it and she survives. We then see one of the fat guys take a picture with a lapel camera. Before we continue I'd just like to bring up the awesome fact that whenever anyone said the word "Gamba", everyone in the cult except the main characters said "Gamba!" and raised their hands in the air. I found this hilarious. After the meeting we see that Rick has begun living a life of luxury as Bianca uses her magic voodoo powers to make him extremely good at picking horses and stocks I guess. Meanwhile, Donna is still in the hospital. We then find out that Rick is not he first man Bianca has ensnared and she is actually with that creepy doll owner guy/high priest. Their plan is to make Rick forget all about Donna so that... um... profit? Their plan is never really explained in detail, but I trust they know what they are doing. However, Rick does eventually visit Donna, if only to tell her that he is leaving her for reasons he cannot tell her. He then breaks into the doll shop and takes the pin out of Donna's doll. Doll shop guy shows up and, instead of simply hiding until he goes away, Rick decides to go down into the cult meeting place, light a torch, andfucka round for a few minutes. This leads the High Priest to find the fat guy's notes to his editor (that he was apparently carrying with him to the meetings) and at the next meeting he reveals that their is a traitor in their midst, which Rick believes to be himself. Once everyone leaves, in what is my favorite scene in the movie, the High Priest takes the fat guy's doll, and shoves a pin through his head, causing him to crash his car in a manner I found extremely funny. He then puts the doll in a fire and the entire accident scene bursts into flames. At the next meeting, he reveals that the traitor has been taken care of and afterwards he takes out the other fat guy, the traitor's sponsor. I think Gamba just hates fatties. Later Bianca and the High Priest find out that Donna has been cured thansk to their spy at the hospital and realise Rick took out the needle. Rick picks Donna up from the hospital and tells her to leave town but, since this is a movie, she gets captures anyway. In order to test his loyalty, Rick is forced to spin the Russian Roulette sacrifice machine as it hovers over Donna. He then realizes that the outcome is fixed and enters into an extremely comical fistfight with the high priest that ends in the building burning down and the tragic immolation of Kickass Drummer Guy. Rick and Donna then escape the burning buildign and drive off to live happily ever after. Overall, I think this was a better movie than the one I watched the night before, but, perhaps because of this, I did not find it as entertaining. So I am going to give it a 3 out of 5 for both entertainment and technical merit.
First off, the music playing over the opening credits sounded like it belonged in a surfing compilation video (and I should know, my physics teacher used to play them after tests). This just seemed a bit weird to me and it's never really explained, except that the same music is later playing in one of the main characters apartments.
The opening scene is a park where Donna (I wrote down everyone's name this time) is waiting for her boyfriend, Rick Turner, who arrives and nonchalantly reveals that he has lost his job, though I don't recall him saying why. They then exposition it up for a bit, talking about their relationship, before Rick tells Donna abotu a recurring dream he's been having of a beautiful woman dancing over a background of clouds. They actually show this and I'd just like to point out that despite being made a year earlier than Madmen of Mandoras, the special effects are much better. They then go for a walk into town where they come across a doll shop with a doll that looks just like the woman from Rick's dream in the window. They go inside and the shady dollshop owner informs them that Rick is the one who ordered and paid for the doll, despite Rick's denial of this. They also see a doll of Donna that was supposedly ordered by someone else. After a arguing for a little while, the couple leaves and once they are gone the doll shop owner sticks a pin in Donna's doll, causing her extreme pain in a stereotypical voodoo type fashion. That night Rick has another dream about the woman who tells Rick to find her and bring the doll from the doll shop. He does this and apparently either falls under some sort of trance or is a terrible boyfriend because he starts hardcore making out with her. The mysterious woman is named Bianca Minot, and is a member of a cult that worships... Gamba The Devil God of Evil. That is probably the stupidest name for a diety I have ever heard. She takes Rick to a meeting of the cult, attended by several other couples and a pair of out-of-place looking fat guys (who will become important later). There is also a skinny black guy playing these weird bongoes, one of my favorite characters, by the way. The drummer guy plays one of the most epic bongo drum soloes I have ever heard to announce the arrival of the cult's leader, the man who owns the doll shop. He then announces that Gamba requires a sacrifice and a woman is brought in. The sacrificial device is basically a Russian Roulette chandelier with swords. It's pretty ridiculous. The chandelier spins and the swords descend but luckily the sheath that hit the woman did nto have a sword in it and she survives. We then see one of the fat guys take a picture with a lapel camera. Before we continue I'd just like to bring up the awesome fact that whenever anyone said the word "Gamba", everyone in the cult except the main characters said "Gamba!" and raised their hands in the air. I found this hilarious. After the meeting we see that Rick has begun living a life of luxury as Bianca uses her magic voodoo powers to make him extremely good at picking horses and stocks I guess. Meanwhile, Donna is still in the hospital. We then find out that Rick is not he first man Bianca has ensnared and she is actually with that creepy doll owner guy/high priest. Their plan is to make Rick forget all about Donna so that... um... profit? Their plan is never really explained in detail, but I trust they know what they are doing. However, Rick does eventually visit Donna, if only to tell her that he is leaving her for reasons he cannot tell her. He then breaks into the doll shop and takes the pin out of Donna's doll. Doll shop guy shows up and, instead of simply hiding until he goes away, Rick decides to go down into the cult meeting place, light a torch, andfucka round for a few minutes. This leads the High Priest to find the fat guy's notes to his editor (that he was apparently carrying with him to the meetings) and at the next meeting he reveals that their is a traitor in their midst, which Rick believes to be himself. Once everyone leaves, in what is my favorite scene in the movie, the High Priest takes the fat guy's doll, and shoves a pin through his head, causing him to crash his car in a manner I found extremely funny. He then puts the doll in a fire and the entire accident scene bursts into flames. At the next meeting, he reveals that the traitor has been taken care of and afterwards he takes out the other fat guy, the traitor's sponsor. I think Gamba just hates fatties. Later Bianca and the High Priest find out that Donna has been cured thansk to their spy at the hospital and realise Rick took out the needle. Rick picks Donna up from the hospital and tells her to leave town but, since this is a movie, she gets captures anyway. In order to test his loyalty, Rick is forced to spin the Russian Roulette sacrifice machine as it hovers over Donna. He then realizes that the outcome is fixed and enters into an extremely comical fistfight with the high priest that ends in the building burning down and the tragic immolation of Kickass Drummer Guy. Rick and Donna then escape the burning buildign and drive off to live happily ever after. Overall, I think this was a better movie than the one I watched the night before, but, perhaps because of this, I did not find it as entertaining. So I am going to give it a 3 out of 5 for both entertainment and technical merit.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Movies with Just Michael: The Madmen of Mandoras
So the other day, I purchased the Gorehouse Greats Collection from Walmart for 5 dollars. This included 12 of the cheesiest sounding B Horror Movies I had ever seen. Last night I watched The Madmen of Mandoras aka They Saved Hitler's Brain, because, frankly, that is an awesome title.
Now I used to think that a movie could be "so bad that it is good". The movie Good Luck Chuck made me reevaluate that view since it was so bad it was awful. The movie Madmen of Mandoras is not what one would traditionally call a "good movie". The acting is atrocious, the production values are terrible, and the plot has more holes than Tony Montana at the end of Scarface.
However, it occurred to me that the original, primary purpose of a movie, especially once you'vew gone past the point where it could be financially successful, is to entertain. So by that logic, Madmen is a good movie, even if most of the entertainment does come from pointing out its flaws. Sort of like the concept behind reality shows I suppose.
Anyways, now that that's out of the way, let's get thsi review started. The movie opens up with some footage of a nelephant falling asleep. This is some sort of documentary being shown to a group of military officials to demonstrate the effects of "G-Gas" which we are told can not only penetrate any conventional gas mask, but fucking concrete. It is here we are introduced to a scientist who is integral to the plot and one of the main characters. Unfortunately, I completely forgot what the hell his name is. While the demonstration is going on, a mysterious foreign man desperately tries to enter the room to talk to the scientist. Then he gives up after roughly a minute of trying and wanders off somewhere. Now that is persistence my friends. We are then introduced to the main protagonist, another guy who's name I forgot. Now, I have a bad memory, but I still remember every single character from the movie Snatch, which I watched for the first time the night before. The film makers just really didn't give me a reason to care about who these characters were. Although I'm sure a badass montage of all the characters with their names onscreen would have helped. After a brief conversation we leard that Charles (the name I am goign ot call the protagonist) is the scientist's son-in-law. After he leaves, the scientist gets a phone call that someone has kidnapped his daughter! Surely he will now team up with his son-in-law on some sort of rescue... what? Oh, apparently he has another daughter. So Dr. Science goes to her apartment and finds a lamp tipped over and her oddly calm fiance stunned on the floor. They are then kidnapped by Nazis. Seriously. Ok, we don't know they're Nazis yet, but we will find that out soon. The foreign guy from before watches this happen and then goes to recruit Charles and his Wife for the rescue mission on the mysterious island nation of Mandoras. After expositioning for a few minutes in their car on hte way to the airport, foreign guy is shot in the neck by nazis and Charles and Wife decided to just leave him in some random telephone booth (Seriously). They then fly to Mandoras and meet Foreing Guy's brother Carmine (or something) who explains to them via flashback that his brother was a scientist working for Hitler, who was obsessed with Immortality (as exemplified by making two hilariously bad clones portrayed by actors of completely different heights and body types). As the Russians stormed Berlin the scientists removed HItler's brain and were then gunned down. Apparently, his brother somehow survived the gunshot wound, escaped a heavily fortified Nazi bunker, and managed to make it back to his home country to tell his story, only to be gunned down in a car and abandoned in a phone booth. Now the Nazis are on the island and have kidnapped Dr. Science in order to find out what the antidote to the G-Gas is and... destroy... it? Ok, their plan is kind of stupid. After learning of this Nazi plot to take over the world, Charles and Wife leap into action and... go buy some dishes and eat at a nice restaurant. There they meet Charlotte (one ofthe few names I remember) who is very cheery for someone who just got kidnapped. She gives Charles a disturbingly long kiss and then sits down at their table, breaking the dishes they just bought. Then a mysterious Mandoran man named Vasquez appears at one side of the bar, the Chief of Police appears at the other, and a Belly Dancer of Plot Significance nervously gridns Charles. Suddenyl the lights go out and Vasquez is gunned down. Despite the fact that he doesn't have a gun Charles is arrested by the Chief and taken to the President's manor. There we meet the President and a really obnoxious American man (I think he's the ambassador) who has literally no significance to the plot. El Presidente turns them over to the Nazis and they reunite with Dr. Science. Then the main Nazi guy shows up with *gasp* Charlotte's fiance! Who was a Nazi the whole time apparently! This is never really explained, but then again this particualr character is like a magnet for plot holes. Nazi Guy then takes them to meet Hitler's stil living severed head, who mostly just sort of grimaces at them. Later they come up with a daring plan to escape by knocking out a pair of guards with karate chops to the neck. Luckily this plan is totallt unnecessary as The President and Chief of Police were on their way to rescue them and free their country from the Nazi tyranny. After escaping, they get into a pair of cars and leave the compound. Little do they know that Nazi Fiance (aka David) is after them. I mean, they should know, because his car is 12 fucking feet behind theirs. Charles and Wife then decide to ditch their car for some reason and go it on foot. David follows after them and starts firing wildly. Charles, beign a handsome young man, was given a firearm earlier and decides to wait it out until David runs out of ammo. When this happens Charles steps out from cover, only to discover that David has a second god damn pistol shoved in his waistband. Charles tries to fire only to discover his gun has no ammo but luckily the Chief of Police shows up and takes out David. Meanwhile the Nazis are mobilizing to implement their master plan, as two generals are flying in at midnight to... supervise? They never really explained why they were coming, since they already had Hitler their. Speaking of Der Fuhrer, the way the Nazis transport him to the airfield for the master plan is by attaching a handle to the glass jar portion of the machine he's hooked up to, and then just lifiting it off. There's is no visible technology that would be keeping his head alive, his neck ends at the bottom of the glass bucket. So after Charles, Wife, El Presidente and the rest of the gang reunite, they go to gather the rebels for a final assault on the Nazis at the airfield. Oh, and in a totally pointless scene, the NAzi convoy stops briefly at the town, where David's body has been moved to the middle of the street for some reason and the Obnoxious American ambassador (or something) reveals that David was his son. You know, despite having a completely different accent and last name. The movie ends with the rebels blowing up all the Nazi soldiers, planes, and cars with a series of grenades (Seriously) and a drawn out shot of Hitler's waxy head melting in the flames of the blown up car. Then Charlotte decides to marry Carmine, despite knwoing him for all of 15 minutes and the movie ends happily. Oh, and if you're wonderign what happened to those two Nazi generals, well, so am I. I give this movie a 4 out of 5 for entertainment value and a 1 out of 5 for actual cinematic merit.
Now I used to think that a movie could be "so bad that it is good". The movie Good Luck Chuck made me reevaluate that view since it was so bad it was awful. The movie Madmen of Mandoras is not what one would traditionally call a "good movie". The acting is atrocious, the production values are terrible, and the plot has more holes than Tony Montana at the end of Scarface.
However, it occurred to me that the original, primary purpose of a movie, especially once you'vew gone past the point where it could be financially successful, is to entertain. So by that logic, Madmen is a good movie, even if most of the entertainment does come from pointing out its flaws. Sort of like the concept behind reality shows I suppose.
Anyways, now that that's out of the way, let's get thsi review started. The movie opens up with some footage of a nelephant falling asleep. This is some sort of documentary being shown to a group of military officials to demonstrate the effects of "G-Gas" which we are told can not only penetrate any conventional gas mask, but fucking concrete. It is here we are introduced to a scientist who is integral to the plot and one of the main characters. Unfortunately, I completely forgot what the hell his name is. While the demonstration is going on, a mysterious foreign man desperately tries to enter the room to talk to the scientist. Then he gives up after roughly a minute of trying and wanders off somewhere. Now that is persistence my friends. We are then introduced to the main protagonist, another guy who's name I forgot. Now, I have a bad memory, but I still remember every single character from the movie Snatch, which I watched for the first time the night before. The film makers just really didn't give me a reason to care about who these characters were. Although I'm sure a badass montage of all the characters with their names onscreen would have helped. After a brief conversation we leard that Charles (the name I am goign ot call the protagonist) is the scientist's son-in-law. After he leaves, the scientist gets a phone call that someone has kidnapped his daughter! Surely he will now team up with his son-in-law on some sort of rescue... what? Oh, apparently he has another daughter. So Dr. Science goes to her apartment and finds a lamp tipped over and her oddly calm fiance stunned on the floor. They are then kidnapped by Nazis. Seriously. Ok, we don't know they're Nazis yet, but we will find that out soon. The foreign guy from before watches this happen and then goes to recruit Charles and his Wife for the rescue mission on the mysterious island nation of Mandoras. After expositioning for a few minutes in their car on hte way to the airport, foreign guy is shot in the neck by nazis and Charles and Wife decided to just leave him in some random telephone booth (Seriously). They then fly to Mandoras and meet Foreing Guy's brother Carmine (or something) who explains to them via flashback that his brother was a scientist working for Hitler, who was obsessed with Immortality (as exemplified by making two hilariously bad clones portrayed by actors of completely different heights and body types). As the Russians stormed Berlin the scientists removed HItler's brain and were then gunned down. Apparently, his brother somehow survived the gunshot wound, escaped a heavily fortified Nazi bunker, and managed to make it back to his home country to tell his story, only to be gunned down in a car and abandoned in a phone booth. Now the Nazis are on the island and have kidnapped Dr. Science in order to find out what the antidote to the G-Gas is and... destroy... it? Ok, their plan is kind of stupid. After learning of this Nazi plot to take over the world, Charles and Wife leap into action and... go buy some dishes and eat at a nice restaurant. There they meet Charlotte (one ofthe few names I remember) who is very cheery for someone who just got kidnapped. She gives Charles a disturbingly long kiss and then sits down at their table, breaking the dishes they just bought. Then a mysterious Mandoran man named Vasquez appears at one side of the bar, the Chief of Police appears at the other, and a Belly Dancer of Plot Significance nervously gridns Charles. Suddenyl the lights go out and Vasquez is gunned down. Despite the fact that he doesn't have a gun Charles is arrested by the Chief and taken to the President's manor. There we meet the President and a really obnoxious American man (I think he's the ambassador) who has literally no significance to the plot. El Presidente turns them over to the Nazis and they reunite with Dr. Science. Then the main Nazi guy shows up with *gasp* Charlotte's fiance! Who was a Nazi the whole time apparently! This is never really explained, but then again this particualr character is like a magnet for plot holes. Nazi Guy then takes them to meet Hitler's stil living severed head, who mostly just sort of grimaces at them. Later they come up with a daring plan to escape by knocking out a pair of guards with karate chops to the neck. Luckily this plan is totallt unnecessary as The President and Chief of Police were on their way to rescue them and free their country from the Nazi tyranny. After escaping, they get into a pair of cars and leave the compound. Little do they know that Nazi Fiance (aka David) is after them. I mean, they should know, because his car is 12 fucking feet behind theirs. Charles and Wife then decide to ditch their car for some reason and go it on foot. David follows after them and starts firing wildly. Charles, beign a handsome young man, was given a firearm earlier and decides to wait it out until David runs out of ammo. When this happens Charles steps out from cover, only to discover that David has a second god damn pistol shoved in his waistband. Charles tries to fire only to discover his gun has no ammo but luckily the Chief of Police shows up and takes out David. Meanwhile the Nazis are mobilizing to implement their master plan, as two generals are flying in at midnight to... supervise? They never really explained why they were coming, since they already had Hitler their. Speaking of Der Fuhrer, the way the Nazis transport him to the airfield for the master plan is by attaching a handle to the glass jar portion of the machine he's hooked up to, and then just lifiting it off. There's is no visible technology that would be keeping his head alive, his neck ends at the bottom of the glass bucket. So after Charles, Wife, El Presidente and the rest of the gang reunite, they go to gather the rebels for a final assault on the Nazis at the airfield. Oh, and in a totally pointless scene, the NAzi convoy stops briefly at the town, where David's body has been moved to the middle of the street for some reason and the Obnoxious American ambassador (or something) reveals that David was his son. You know, despite having a completely different accent and last name. The movie ends with the rebels blowing up all the Nazi soldiers, planes, and cars with a series of grenades (Seriously) and a drawn out shot of Hitler's waxy head melting in the flames of the blown up car. Then Charlotte decides to marry Carmine, despite knwoing him for all of 15 minutes and the movie ends happily. Oh, and if you're wonderign what happened to those two Nazi generals, well, so am I. I give this movie a 4 out of 5 for entertainment value and a 1 out of 5 for actual cinematic merit.
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