Kangaroo Jack

Kangaroo Jack
Leonardo “Jack” DiCaprio stood on the bow of the HMS Gigantic, gazing out over the ocean and thinking of the endless possibilities that awaited him in Australia. A tap on his shoulder took him away from his thoughts and he turned to see his old friend from New York, Daniel “The Butcher” Day Lewis.
“Are you ready Jack?” The Butcher said in his archaic New York accent as he placed a hand on his young friend’s shoulder, “Once this tournament is over, neither one of us will ever have to fight again!”
Jack nodded, took the invitation from the pocket of his coat, and re-read it for the thousandth time. It still almost felt like he was dreaming sometimes. To think that they, a couple of amateur duelists/knife fighters, had been invited to Kangaroo Jack’s legendary Yu-Gi-Oh and Mixed Martial Arts tournament to the death, it was almost too good to be true.
Behind them the other invitees milled about on the deck, perfecting their fighting techniques, trading cards, all just as eager as Jack and The Butcher. The ship would pull into Sydney Harbor by tomorrow morning and then two days later the tournament would begin. Any apprehension about the many battles and card games to come was drowned out by a yearning for the steady footing of dry land after the three week voyage.
“Do you really think we have a shot at winning Butcher?”
“Of course lad! I’ve seen no man that can beat your deck! And my mastery of the Turkish Kilij is famed throughout New York!” The Butcher drew his sword to emphasize his point and thrust it into the damp wood of the deck.
“Well if you say so…” Jack looked uneasily back at the competitors arrayed throughout the deck, “some of these guys look pretty tough.”
“Ah lad! It doesn’t matter how tough the competition is, as long as you are tougher!”
“That seems like really cheesy and generic advice to give.”
“Well, I’m pretty drunk right now.”
Suddenly the two friends’ conversation was cut short as the boat shuddered with a violent impact.
“Shark Attack!” A crewman shouted as the ship was once again shaken by another hit.
“Impossible!” The Captain said as he rushed to the side, “This is a god damn cruise ship! It would have to be either 10,000 sharks working together as one or some sort of… Mega Shark!”
“It’s 10,000 sharks working as one!” Another crewman shouted as Jack looked into the water at a writhing carpet of shark fins charged the ship for another strike.
“Quickly Jack!” The Butcher shouted, “We have to get below! It’s our only hope!” Waving his sword in front of him The Butcher struck a path for the nearest door as the ship began lurching to the side.
“Also Impossible!” The Captain shouted again, as he began organizing crewmen to repel the shark army, “this ship is unsinkable! The sharks cannot penetrate our 11 hulls!”
“The sharks have plastic explosives!” Yet another crewman shouted as a bright explosion lit up the starboard side of the vessel.
Jack followed The Butcher down into the depths of the ship. Everywhere crewmen and competitors alike armed themselves for the coming shark onslaught. The two friends hurried to the elevator and rode it down to steerage where their own meager quarters lay. Another explosion caused the lift to stop dead. The Butcher quickly pulled open the doors and they took the stairs the rest of the way.
The lower decks had begun filling with water, which was filled with sharks. A group of crewmen escaping from the engine room were torn to shreds as they tried to reach the staircase where Jack and The Butcher watched in horror.
“Damn! We’ll have to find another way!” Jack said as he backed away from the rising water.
“There’s no time lad!” The Butcher replied as he bisected the head of a shark that leapt for him, “We have to get to the cabin before the water level reaches the shelf where your deck is!” He cut another shark in half with his Kilij and drew a long dagger. He then dove into the water, cutting apart the sharks in his path.
Jack reluctantly followed, staying close behind his friend and mentor as the swordsman cut a bloody swathe through the legion of sharks. Finally they reached their room. A Hammerhead lay in wait for them in the room and The Butcher stabbed it right between the eyes as Jack closed the door and locked it. Luckily his cards were still dry and he shoved them into a waterproof sack, and then packed the rest of his few possessions into a backpack. The Butcher had a pack of his own but wore his extensive blade collection strapped to his body for convenience. He threw Jack a Shamsir and opened the door, letting in a great white shark that closed its jaws around his leg. The butcher grunted and parted the creatures head from its body.
The water in the hall was now up to their stomachs as they made their way back to the staircase past a series of dismembered floating corpses. They climbed the stairs up to the main ballroom, where First Mate Denzel Washington was addressing a frightened crowd of crewmen and duelists.
“Everyone needs to stay calm,” Denzel said, standing in front of the grand staircase that led to the lower compartments, “Now you’ve seen how bad things can get,” he said, gesturing to the rapidly rising shark filled water behind him, “And how quickly they can get that way. And things are going to get a whole lot worse. So were not going to fight anymore! Were going to pull together, and were going to find a way to get out of here! First, we’re going to seal off this…” his words were cut short as a shark, twice the size of the rest leapt out of the water filling the staircase and bit him in half. As chunks of Denzel rained across the stunned crowd the shark stopped and looked at them.
“This ship is mine now.” The shark said in a thick Austrian accent, “If you want to live then you will ged out of here. You humans think you are so smaht. With your giant boats. On this day it we have shown zat we shahks are the true rulers of the sea!”
The shark roared and the panicked crowd fled to the main deck where the Captain was supervising the loading of lifeboats.
A ring of crewmen with submachine guns kept the sharks at bay with sporadic fire but for every one they killed another two took its place. Jack and The Butcher made it to the last of the lifeboats just as the last of the crewmen was dragged down into the water. As they rowed themselves away the burning wreckage of the HMS Gigantic sank below the waves.
“There goes the finest ship to ever sail.” The Captain said sadly.
“Hey aren’t you supposed to go down with the ship?” Jack asked.
“Fuck no. There were fucking sharks. That rule only applies if there aren’t thousands of giant kill-fishes in the water.”

Days later the survivors of the wreck, having been picked up by a passing whaling boat, made their way to Australia. By now there wasn’t much time before the tournament began and so the competitors quickly made their way to Kangaroo Jack’s top secret tournament location as quickly as they could. Jack and The Butcher hitched a ride on a passing kill-dozer owned by a local poacher.
“So where ya from mates?” The poacher said while his giant monitor lizard sat on the back of his seat and hissed.
“New York,” Jack said, his eyes locked on the freakishly huge lizard, “Were here for Kangaroo Jack’s Yu-Gi-Oh and Martial Arts tournament.”
“Ah the tournament!” The poacher said, scratching his head beneath his hat made from an endangered animal, “I had a friend who competed in the tournament one year. They sent back what they could find of him in a shoebox.”
“Didn’t fare so well then?” The Butcher asked as he waved a dagger at the reptile threateningly.
“Actually his car collided with a gas tanker on the way to the tournament. Horrible explosion. Dozens killed.”
“Ah, I see.” The Butcher said, nodding.
“Well, if I recall correctly, the tournament starts tomorrow morning, so if you’d like you mates can take a nap in one of the cages I got in the back. Just ignore the large soulful eyes of the animals.”

The next morning Jack and The Butcher arrived at Kangaroo Jack’s compound in the middle of the Outback. Dozens of competitors from around the world were gathered to show off their fighting and children’s card game playing skills. The warriors filed into the coliseum at the compounds center and were greeted by Kangaroo Jack himself. He was a massive kangaroo who wore a bright red hooded sweatshirt and carried a cane. Atop his head sat a silk top hat. Also he kind of looked like Renee Zellwegger.
“Welcome my friends, to this tournament of champions!” Kangaroo Jack said, a statement greeted by thunderous cheers from those assembled before him, “This shall be the ultimate test of your skills in the art of fighting and the art of playing a children’s card game!” His every sentence was punctuated wit ha gout of flame from the walls of the coliseum, most likely for dramatic effect. “The first round of the tournament shall begin this afternoon, but for now, please enjoy these tigers!”
14 Bengal Tigers were released into the coliseum, creating a panic amongst the competitors. By the time they were all slain, several warriors were dead and almost everyone was wounded.
Jack and The Butcher left the coliseum and headed for the motel where they would be staying. As Jack opened the door they both heard a strange crying coming from inside. The Butcher drew his sword and slowly stalked into the room. On their bed was a baby, wrapped in the remains of an American flag. A note was lying on the bedside table and Jack picked it up and read it.

Dear Jack,
This is your niece, Roxana. I have decided to send it to Australia to be raised by you due to my pathological hatred of infants. I am sorry to put this burden on you, but I can’t afford to raise a child, especially with my crippling addiction to plastic surgery.
Your Sister, Jill

Jack looked at the note, and then at the baby, and then back at the note.
“Well what is ti lad? Some sort of psych out trick by one of our competitors?” The Butcher asked as he suspiciously picked up the child.
“No, this is my niece. Apparently I am supposed to raise her now.”
“Huh. That’s right; Your sister hates infants and is addicted to the knife. What about the father?”
“My sister regularly has sex with strangers to pay for cosmetic enhancements. There’s no real way of knowing who the father is.”
“Well, there’s no sense in worrying about it, or about how this baby got here to the middle of the outback and just happened to be placed in the correct motel room. Get your cards out we have to practice!”
“I looked at the schedule and my first match is this afternoon. I will be using my insect deck against a Brazilian Jujitsu master.”
“I suggest you load it up with trap cards.”

Hours later Jack defeated the Brazilian with a devastating Red Eyes Black Dragon combo, and then executed him with a handgun. Up next was The Butcher’s far more interesting match. His opponent was a swordsman from Scotland who wielded a Katana. The two master swordsmen squared off in the center of the Coliseum, gazing into each other’s eyes like star crossed lovers who were about to dismember each other with cold steel. The staring contest seemed to drag on forever until finally both men moved at once, drawing their swords and charging one another. In a flash it was over. A trickle of blood dripped from the butcher’s shoulder and fell onto the Scotsman’s intestines that had become wrapped around his leg. As Kangaroo Jack’s men dragged off the steaming pile of offal that was his opponent The Butcher joined Jack and together they walked back to the motel.
“Today went well.” Jack said happily, as he shuffled his deck.
“Indeed lad. If the rest of the tournament goes like this the prize money will be ours.” The Butcher said, as he removed several of his opponent’s teeth from his hair.
“Wait, there’s prize money? How come we haven’t mentioned it before?”
“Oh I’m sure we have, in one of our many less interesting conversations. Just to refresh your memory, we are competing for 5 million dollars cash.”
“Ah! That makes sense, and gives our characters further motivation.”
“Indeed.”
Jack suddenly spotted a bright orange glow in the distance.
“Hey Butcher what’s that orange glow?”
“My god man, the puppy factory! It’s a flame!” The Butcher shouted, as he began running toward the light. Jack quickly followed, silently questioning why Kangaroo Jack’s compound contained a puppy factory.
They arrived to find the entire factory ablaze. Kangaroo Jack’s lackeys as well as several of the competitors scurried back and forth desperately combating the flames. The panicked yelping of adorable puppies could be heard above the frantic shouts and the crackle of the blaze.
“We’ve got to save those puppies before the fire sets off the puppy oil!” The Butcher said, throwing off his jacket and running toward the front door.
“Butcher!” Jack called after him, “Be careful!”
The Butcher braved the inferno and smashed down the front door. A minute later a herd of adorable, soot covered puppies burst out of the door, followed by the master swordsman himself, carrying a half dozen of the smaller, weaker puppies in his arms. As he stepped out the door, the volatile puppy oil in the factory ignited and the building exploded. As the dust cleared Jack ran over to his friend who was pinned under an exploded conveyor belt.
“Butcher!” Jack cried as he bent down to look his mentor in the eyes.
“I… I saved… the puppies…” The Butcher coughed.
“I know you did Butcher. You’re a hero.”
“My sword Jack… I want you to have it…”
“Which one? You have like ten.”
“The Kilij… you know… the one I use all the time… retard…”
“I will swing it proudly old friend.”
“Use it to win Jack!” The Butcher croaked, as blood dribbled out of his mouth, “use it to win…” slowly The Butcher’s eyes closed for the last time.
“NOOOOOO!!!” Jack screamed dramatically, making things extremely awkward for the crowd of people who were also present.
His heart heavy with sadness, Jack returned to his motel room. He was shaken out of his grief by the realization that Roxana was gone. In retrospect it was probably a bad idea to leave an infant unattended in a motel room. A note was pinned to the back wall by a shuriken.

We have your baby
Quit the tournament.

Jack didn’t know what to make of the note. He still had the promise he had just made to The Butcher. Also, the note did not actually say they would return the baby if he quit, or even that they would harm her if he did not. It was very ambiguous. On the other hand, it was obvious that whoever kidnapped this baby meant business, based on the efficiency with which they wrote threatening messages. Jack decided to sleep on it and make his decision in the morning.

He awoke in a cold sweat in the middle of the night to find the door to the bathroom was open. He got out of bed and walked over to see the glowing ethereal form of The Butcher sitting on the toilet.
“Why hello lad.” The ghost said, as he pulled up his drawers and flushed the toilet, “This is a bit embarrassing, I didn’t expect you to wake up for another couple minutes…”
“Butcher! You’re dead!”
“Indeed I am lad. And I’ve brought a message for you from beyond the grave!”
“Really? Is it going to be in the form of a vague, cryptic riddle that I will only figure out at the right time.”
“Damn straight lad, anyway here it is: When the Shark bites the Lizard, the Kangaroo shall fall.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean.”
“Well if I told you that, it wouldn’t be vague and cryptic, now would it?”
“No I suppose not. So does this mean I should continue the tournament?”
“Do whatever the fuck you want kid.”
“Butcher…”
“Yeah lad?”
“I miss you.”
“Christ lad! I’ve been dead for maybe four hours!”
“So what’s being dead like?”
“Not bad. Except they make you do stuff like this.”
“Goodbye Butcher.”
“Goodbye Jack. And remember what I told you. With the shark and the rabbit.”
“I thought it was a lizard.”
“Whatever. I’m pretty drunk right now.”
Slowly the ghost faded away, leaving Jack alone once again in the motel room. After an hour of contemplation he finally managed to fall back asleep.

The next morning he was awoken by a familiar shout that he hadn’t expected to ever hear again.
“Shark Attack!”
He picked up Butcher’s sword and stumbled outside to find that the compound was indeed under siege by the same sharks that had sunk the HMS Gigantic. Each wore a robotic suit filled with seawater, allowing them to walk on land. Everywhere sharks fought against the weary tournament warriors and Kangaroo Jack’s henchmen.
“Foolish land people!” The Austrian shark said, riding the largest of the robotic suits, “We have decided to extend the range of the shahk empire! Australia shall soon fall to our powah!”
Jack raised The Butcher’s Kilij in his hands and prepared to help out the defense when a robed figure pulled him into the shadows.
“You are Jack?” The figure whispered.
“Yes. Yes I am.” Jack responded cautiously.
“If you wish to see your niece again, come with me.”
While Jack hadn’t actually grown particularly attached to the baby he had know for all of six hours he felt it was his duty as an uncle and so he followed the mysterious stranger to a large rock behind the motel. The robed man touched a symbol carved into the rock the rock lowered into the ground and revealed a staircase. The staircase led to a large chamber illuminated by torchlight filled with more of the robed figures. On one side of the wall was an altar carved from jade. On the other side of the wall was a platform, upon which stood Kangaroo Jack with Roxana in his arms.
“Hello Jack.” The Kangaroo said, as Jack was led to the center of the room, “so glad you could join us.”
“What’s going on here?” Jack said angrily.
“Why, your ascension dear boy!”
“Ascension? To what?”
“To greatness!” Kangaroo Jack walked toward Jack in the center of the room, handing the baby off to one of the robed persons. “You see, you are about to become a Queen!”
“Uh, don’t you mean king? Because I’m not gay.”
“No no, its queen, trust me. It’s complicated.”
“Uh… Ok.”
“You see your niece is actually meant to be the next queen of the lizard folk, but she is far too young, and so it must be you.”
“Why me? I can’t be a queen! First of all, I’m a dude!”
“Yes, you are not a perfect match but the transformation will last long enough to defend this place from those wretched sharks.” Kangaroo Jack looked Jack up and down before placing a hand on his shoulder.
“I think I’m going to require further exposition.”
“You see, for thousands of years, a war has raged between the lizards and the sharks. Every twenty years a shark king is chosen, as well as a lizard queen to champion each side. Only the worthiest may become a king or queen, which is why I hold these tournaments.”
“So you knew the sharks would strike?”
“Yes, that was unanticipated, but whatever is lost today shall be gained back tenfold, for we now possess the chosen one!”
“Me?”
“You? Of course not!” Kangaroo Jack laughed, “I speak of a child! It is prophesized that only one of the line of the great lizard guardians can become the ultimate queen. In twenty years time, she shall be ready to lead the lizard people to victory not only over the sharks but over the entire world!”
“So wait, does that mean my family are lizard guardians?”
“You don’t understand my boy, she did not inherit the blood from her mother, but from her father!”
“Her father could be any plastic surgeon on the east coast with low enough standards!”
“Ah but you see, I am her father.”
“NOOOOOO!!!”
“Christ that dramatic No thing is really annoying… anyway, while traveling around the world sleeping with kangaroo loving women, I apparently managed to impregnate your sister. That is why I called you here, for her!”
“Wait… then the puppy factory…”
“Yes, it was I who started the fire, to distract you long enough to kidnap her!”
“Why didn’t you just do it while we were fighting in the tournament?”
“We had a very busy schedule yesterday.”
“So wait, why do I have to become this lizard queen? Why not you! You are one of the guardians!”
“Because,” Kangaroo Jack said, as the robed figure surrounding jack began transforming into giant lizards, “I am a Kangaroo. Kangaroo’s cant turn into lizards, silly.”
The lizard people grabbed Jack with strong scaly hands and dragged him screaming onto the altar. As they held him down onto the altar lore lizard people began covering him with shed skins, which began to come alive and wrap themselves around Jack’s struggling body. As he became further entangled in the cocoon of dead skin a change began to overtake Jack. He felt his fingernails grow and strengthen before forming into claws, he felt his skin ripping apart and reforming as scales, he felt his tongue extending and then splitting down the middle, he felt his reproductive organs change from male to female. As the last of the dead skin wrapped itself around him the lizard people backed off. The cocoon wriggled for a few moments before falling still.
“Well shit,” Kangaroo Jack said, “ I hope we didn’t kill him.”
“I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!” Jack roared as he burst forth from the cocoon. The assembled lizard people hissed in excitement as Jack picked up the Butcher’s sword and led them to the surface.
Outside, the sharks had nearly finished their massacre Jack climbed to the roof of the motel and let out a mighty roar. The sharks looked up as one and made sort of a bubbling noise, because they are sharks, before charging him/her and his/her tiny band of followers. Suddenly a cloud of dust appeared on the horizon. A moment later it resolved itself into the poacher’s kill-dozer, commandeered by the monitor lizard and packed with lizard people. Behind then was a vast horde of lizard people walking, crawling and slithering their way toward the compound to defend their newly risen queen. Jack caught the eyes of the shark king and wordlessly began heading for the coliseum. The shark king followed suit and for the moment at least a truce fell over the sharks and lizards.
Inside the Coliseum the sharks and the lizards filled the stands as the two leaders stomped into the center ring. The shark king flexed the pneumatic muscles of his robot suit as Jack tossed The Butcher’s sword from hand to hand. With a bubble filled roar and a hiss the two titans charged into combat. Jack swung the Kilij in a wide arc, but the shark king ducked. His tank was breached however and saltwater began pouring out. Unfortunately the shark king was fully capable of breathing air and leapt from his robot suit, biting down on Jack’s free arm. Jack brought the hilt of his sword down on the Shark King’s skull and he released his bite, crawling back into his robot suit.
“You can’t win puny lizard garl. I am a shahk, and everyone knows shahks are better than lizards!”
“I will defeat you Shark King, you’re a fish out of water here!”
“Oh! Fish out of watah joke! How original!”
Jack charged once more, throwing his/her sword into the chest of the robot suit, he/she then leapt into the tank atop the mechanical legs and wrapped his/her powerful scaly arms around the shark king’s throat.
“This is for Denzel!”
“Ah’ll be back…” the shark king gasped with his last breath, before slumping to the bottom of the tank. At this point the lizards attacked the now demoralized sharks, driving them away and presumably back to the sea/robot workshops from whence they had come.
Jack sat down on his/her bed at the motel. Kangaroo Jack hopped in, Roxana in his arms.
“Well done my queen. I can sense that you’re reign shall be long and terrible! Terrible in a good way! Good for us I mean! It will be pretty shitty for our enemies.”
“Shut up.” Jack said, he/she swung The Butcher’s sword and rent Kangaroo Jack’s head from his shoulders. As his body hit the floor, Jack used his/her reptile-like reflexes to catch Roxana in his/her arms.
He walked outside to where a group of lizard people were feasting on the remains of fallen sharks.
“Hey, you.” Jack said, “Your queen hungers. Bring me a taco. And a cat. Or, you know what, a cat made of tacos.”
The lizards nodded, hissed and slunk away.
“Well Roxy, I guess I’m the lizard queen now.” Jack said. He looked over to the horizon where the ghost of The Butcher stood waving at him next to the ghost of Denzel Washington and, for some reason, Hayden Christiansen.
“I hope you’re proud of me old friend.”
“No. Not really. You’re a god damn lizard woman.” The Butcher replied before fading into the air.
THE END