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Saturday, October 1, 2011

Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 305



By Odin's Vagina, has it really been 3 months since my last episode? And who the hell posted Mark Trail Fan Fiction on my blog? What the hell is a Mark Trail? I guess time really flies when you are on a deep sea diving expedition around the world, hunting for the world's sexiest coral formation, so that you can kill it with a hammer. Honestly, I didn't think it would take that long. Of course, I didn't count on getting sidetracked in Thailand. On the brigth side, I now have a steady source of Thai Child Prostitutes. Which I grind up to make Dr. Thunder's Tangy Child Prostitute Meatsauce, now availible in select Walmart locations. But that's not important right now. What is important is you, my loyal reader. Sure, if I updated more often there would probably be more than one of you, but then each update would be less special! Special like the delicious taste of Dr. Thunder's Child Prostitute Meatsauce!


Let's get to your questions!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
I can't stop watching TLC. Does that make me a bad person?
Arthur

Well Steven, Yes. Of course it does, you awful, awful man. TLC might as well stand for Terrible Life Choices because that seems to be what nearly every show is about. And the rest are about midgets. Let's take a look at some of these shows. First up we have Sister Wives, which is about polygamists. Now, I've had my share of wives in my day, but never more than one at the same time. Well, except for that time I married an entire Czech women's soccer team, but I made them fight to the death until only the strongest survived, so that hardly counts. A commercial for this show indicated that the squadron of wives was concerned that their children may not choose a polygamist lifestyle and, if so, then they had failed as a harem. Fantastic. Continuing the theme of having way too many of a particular family member, we have the crime against humanity that is 19 and Counting. Apparentyl these people hate children so much that they want to divide their attention between as many of them as possible, so that they never have to spend more than a few minutes with them individually. Plus, the bigger ones can take care of the little ones! Hell, the parents can probably just duck out and the kids probably wouldn't even notice, returning only to plop out the next infant on the porch, ring the bell, then return to a life of hedonistic unprotected sex away from their gigantic litter of neglected children. Which reminds me, why, at the GOP debate, was everyone bragging abotu the number of kids they have? Are we supposed to be eager to seperate the largest possible number of children from a parent by giving them a stressful, 24/7 job? Let's move on to Four Weddings: Four strangers attend each other's weddings, and then passive aggressively judge the most important day in this person's life. After roughly five minutes of watching this show, I hated each and every one of those petty bitches. Speaking of petty, Extreme Couponing. Why is this a show? Why do people want to watch someone clip coupons, and then buy things? Sure, it's really cool that they paid $20 for $1400 worth of groceries, but there's literally so little drama that they turn every little computer glitch into a life or death situation with dramatic stings. And it's not like these people even need $10,000 worth of groceries for 58 cents, as most of them have massive stockpiles of groceries, worth hundreds of thousands of dollars filling entire basements and warehouses. That's the problem with coupons and sales and the like. Sure, you're getting a good deal, a retardedly good deal in most of these cases as every other coupon combination somehow makes things free, but do you really need 109 cases of peanut butter? Or 300 2 liter bottles of soda? All you're doing is making the staff o your local supermarket hate you with a fiery passion. Sure, they look happy and are all about helping the "couponers" out when the cameras are on, but when they sell $352,000 worth of merchandise to these people for 2 pennies and an old rubberband, they are losing out on $352,000 that non-crazy people would be willing to pay for those same goods. And the other customers hate them too, taking every last fucking toothbrush on the shelf, clogging up aisles with a train of 21 carts, and taking six hours to check out with 9 seperate transactions. That part's not even an exaggeration. In order to get the most out of their precious coupons they split their shopping into a shitload of smaller transactions. I just... hate them so much.
One last thing, about all the shows about little people TLC is so fond of: Maybe 20% of people who watch these shows watch them and go "Oh, despite their physical differences, little people are just like us! Watching their daily lives is a fascinating and enriching experience." The other 80% are thinking "HOLY SHIT THAT GUY IS A MIDGET LOL! LOOK THEY'RE PLAYING VOLLEYBALL! HA! THEY'RE SO TINY! HEY MARK, YOU GOTTA COME SEE THIS MIDGET SHOW!" That is all.
Well, I have more emails, but I'm far too pissed off to answer them. So instead I am going to go cool down with some spaghetti with a generous dollop of Dr. Thunder's Tangy Child Prostitute Meatsauce. So keep sending those emails, and I will continue ignoring them in favor of fabricated ones tailored to what I feel like talking about. Good night!