Atomic Cannibal Penis Monsters from Mars
By Doctor Thunder
And no one else.
“…999…1000!” Dr. Handsome T. Protagonist gently lifted the Russian Nuclear Submarine off his chest into the waiting arms of the 30 foot android hovering over his shoulders and sat up from the bench.
“Excellent work Doctor. ” The automaton chirped as it placed the submarine on a reinforced rack above the bench.
“Thank you Spottertron. I think I’ll take some time before the next set to cure the new strain of that virus I eradicated last week that’s sprung up in Poland.”
“It’s no wonder Doctor. The Poles are a filthy race.”
“True, but it is my duty to help them nonetheless” Dr. Protagonist said as he wiped sweat from his chiseled pecs. Satisfied that his muscular, perfectly toned body was dry, Dr. Protagonist got up and left his personal gym, heading down the corridors of his sprawling estate toward his main laboratory.
Suddenly a panel on the wall to his left slid open to reveal a monitor that followed his progress down the hallway.
“Incoming call from President Bumbling Obstacle of The United States. Shall I put it through?” The monitor asked him. Dr. Protagonist sighed and snapped his fingers, summoning a small robot carrying a pristine white lab coat.
“Put it through”
A sweaty, fat little man in an ill-fitting suit appeared on the monitor.
“President Obstacle.” Dr. Protagonist greeted him, as The President nodded.
“Dr. Protagonist, your country, nay, the entire planet needs you. Again.”
Dr. Protagonist rolled his eyes. “What is it this time Mr. President? Don’t tell me AIDS is back.”
“Worse. Three days ago a shuttle crash-landed outside of Chicago. The entire crew had their… well… their penises… eaten… by some sort of creature.”
“Do we know where the shuttle originated?”
“It came from Dr. Stupid Bastard’s Genitalogy lab on Mars.”
“That Stupid Bastard!” Dr. Protagonist punched the lab-coat fetching android in the face, shattering it into a million pieces. “Who knows what kind of experiments he could have been conducting up there, away from the governing laws of the American Penis Association!”
“The survivors describe the creature as some kind of pink, fleshy tree, that moves like a snake and immediately goes for the dick. Our initial survey team found high levels of radioactivity wherever the beast was reported to have been. Since then we have quarantined the entire area.”
“My god… an atomic cannibal penis monster… from MARS!” Dr. Protagonist slowly removed his glasses, “Mr. President, I am going to need a team of expert Penisologists and 1,000 of your gayest Stormtroopers.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the funding for that, I used it all implementing inferior European-style social programs! I can get you 1 Penisologist, 20 bisexual stormtroopers, and NBA star Dirk Nowitzki.”
“No! They have to be Gay!”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want these men freezing up at the sight of a giant cock bearing down at them.”
“Why not just send female soldiers?”
They then both shared a hearty laugh at this.
The next morning, Dr. Protagonist emerged from the Protagocopter out onto a small government installation outside of Chicago. President Bumbling Obstacle awaited him along with a beautiful woman, a platoon of United Statian Stormtroopers, and NBA star Dirk Nowitzki.
The President smiled as Dr. Protagonist approached. And waved him over to the leader of the stormtroopers.
“Dr. Protagonist! Right on time.”
“Please, call me Dr. Thunder. And I am always on time.”
“Of course you are Dr. Thunder! Always! This is Lieutenant Dudefella. He is about a 5 on the Kinsey scale.” Dr. Thunder shook Lieutenant Dudefella’s hand and then looked over at his men.
“All of these boys are at least 3s, and Lopez is a solid 5.5” Dudefella assured him. Dr. Thunder nodded his head in approval and turned to the woman.
“You must be my Penisologist then?” Dr. Thunder said, taking her hand into his and kissing it gently. She pulled her hand away and sneered.
“I am Dr. Initially Hostile Love-Interest. And I just want you to know now that I am in no way sexually attracted to you Dr. Thunder, and have no intention of becoming so in the course of our adventures.”
“Of course, and as a gentleman I respect that decision.” Dr. Love-Interest blushed and turned away from Dr. Thunder’s handsome disarming smile.
“And this is Dirk Nowitzki,” The President said, indicating the basketball player, who stood nearby gnawing gently on his left hand, “Our top analysts voted him as the person humanity can do the most without.”
“DIRK NOWITZKI HUNGRY!” The Dallas Maverick moaned as the President reached a hand into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a taco. He tossed it to the basketball player, who eagerly devoured it.
“Bully!” Dr. Thunder said, as Nowitzki began licking taco crumbs from his hands.
“And speaking of expendable,” The President said, suddenly becoming extremely nervous, “It seems you will not be leading the expedition after all.”
“What?” Dr. Thunder exclaimed, “You called on me for my expertise, and now you’re saying you don’t want it?”
“We still need your expertise, but you’ll be in an advisory role, in a secure bunker, guiding the team from a distance. It seems our top experts have deemed your penis is far too valuable to put in this kind of danger. If something were to happen to it, I would lose the support of the entire female population!”
“Damn it President Obstacle! We both know that women don’t actually vote! Computers confuse their tiny, tiny minds! No offense Dr. Love- Interest,” Dr. Love-Interest jerked away from gazing deeply into Dr. Thunder’s chiseled pecs as her name was mentioned, “That team will be slaughtered without me!”
“My hands are tied Dr. Thunder! I can’t let you go!”
“Well Mr. President,” Dr. Thunder pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his lab coat and put them on, “I can’t let you stop me,” Before The President could react, Dr. Thunder swung a right hook into The President’s jaw, stopping his hand with expert precision, knocking the man unconscious rather than exploding his skull into fragments.
“Dr. Thunder you’re out of line!” Lieutenant Dudefella said, “I like it! Let’s rock and roll!”
Two hours later, Dr. Thunder, Dr. Love-Interest, The Stormtroopers, and Dirk Nowitzki were on a chopper headed for the quarantine zone.
“Alright Dr. Love-Interest, what do we know about these things?” Dr. Thunder asked his comrade.
“Well I’ve been in contact with Dr. Stupid Bastard’s chief Genitalogist, Dr. Secret Villain. He was the man in charge of Project Monstercock.”
“Project Monstercock?”
“Yes, it was a project to create a miracle penis enhancement drug. Unfortunately the experiment went wrong. The experiment was supposed to be cancelled but we believe one of the members of the shuttle crew smuggled out a sample, took it and… well, you know the rest. Dr. Villain will be meeting us at the quarantine zone to give us more information.”
“DIRK NOWITZKI IS FLYING!” Dirk Nowitzki shouted from the other side of the helicopter.
The helicopter landed just outside a chain-link fence reinforced with concrete barriers extending in a wide circle off to the left and right for several miles. A gate led into the fenced off area surrounded by soldiers and one man with a white lab-coat and a black goatee.
The man approached as Dr. Thunder’s party exited the helicopter.
“Ah! Dr. Thunder!” He said, “We meet at last! I am a big fan of your work!”
“Dr. Villain! I have never heard of you!” Dr. Thunder shook his hand, crushing his fingers in a vice-like grip, “what’s the situation?”
“The beast has very distinct tracks so we know that it has not left the quarantine area. This means it is somewhere in this jungle.” Dr. Villain gestured to the vast equatorial rainforest on the other side of the fence.
“Good, because if that thing escapes, it will be in Chicago within the hour and since the people of Chicago are all huge pricks, it’ll blend in perfectly and we may never find it again.”
“Will you be accompanying us Dr. Villain?” Dr. Love-Interest asked.
“Oh no,” Dr. Villain said, rubbing his hands together, “But I will be around!” he then proceeded to cackle maniacally for a solid three minutes. Dr. Thunder thanked him for his assistance and headed for the gate.
The soldiers moved the gate aside and Dr. Thunder’s team entered the rainforest. Within minutes they were hopelessly lost.
“I just want to let you know Dr. Thunder,” Dr. Love-Interest said, taking her hair out of a pony tail and unbuttoning the top two buttons of her blouse, “I still am in no way interested in you, sexually.”
Before Dr. Thunder could reply, a chilling, German-accented scream tore through the mid-afternoon air, causing Dr. Love-Interest to leap into Dr. Thunder’s impossibly strong arms. Embarrassed she got down and the two scientists headed for the source of the scream.
Lieutenant Dudefella stood over the mangled corpse of Dirk Nowitzki, his men formed up in a perimeter around the scene.
“What have we got here?” Dr. Thunder said, squatting down to inspect the body and removing his sunglasses.
“The beast got him,” Lieutenant Dudefella said, poking the body with a stick, “It ate his dick off, and then, while he was bleeding to death, it shot his 26 times in the torso, removed his head with a chainsaw, dunked the head in acid until the flesh burned off, then put the skull back on top of the shoulders. Also it appears to have raped him six times.”
“Damn. What a way to go.” Dr. Thunder said, as he stood back up. Dr. Love-Interest, forgetting herself, wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his toned, muscular chest, “Lieutenant, tell your men to be on guard, the beast could still be nearby.”
It was another hour before the beast struck again. The team had stopped at a river to rest. Dr. Love-Interest decided to go skinny dipping by a nearby waterfall. As she stripped the clothes off her beautiful body she was suddenly surprised by a rustling in the bushes.
She dropped down below the waterline as Dr. Thunder entered the waterfall clearing.
“Mind if I join you? While also being naked? But not in a sexual way?” He said, as Dr. Love-Interest blushed.
“I suppose not, as long as it isn’t in a sexual way. As I maintain that I am not romantically interested in you at this point in the story arc.”
Dr. Thunder nodded and began taking his clothes off. As he removed his boxers, Dr. Love-Interest’s eyes widened with excitement.
“My god! That is the most perfect specimen of a penis I have ever seen!” She moved closer to Dr. Thunder’s glorious wang, before catching herself, “And of course my interest is only scientific.”
“Of course,” Dr. Thunder entered the water and got what should be uncomfortably close to Dr. Love-Interest, who for some reason was okay with this. “How would you like a more hands-on inspection?”
As their lips moved within inches of each other, the almost guaranteed marathon boning session was postponed as gunfire sounded from the nearby forest.
Dr. Thunder leapt from the water to the shore and pulled on his lab coat. He barreled through the trees to another conveniently placed clearing where the platoon of Stormtroopers fired into the bushes. Lieutenant Dudefella held up a hand and the platoon stopped firing.
Miraculously unscathed by the torrent of gunfire a massive 14 foot tall penis reared up out of the bushes and roared angrily from its mighty urethra. It lunged toward the Stormtroopers straight into the nearest crotch it could find. The unfortunate soldier screamed as it bored a hole the size of a hubcap through his body. Three more men died in this manner before Dudefella called the retreat.
Thinking quickly Dr. Thunder charged the creature and leapt into the air tackling it to the ground. Slick with blood the creature squirmed out Dr. Thunder’s vice-like grip gently brushing it’s massive testes across the scientist’s face.
Dr. Love-Interest, emerged fully dressed into the clearing.
“What happened?” She asked, gesturing to the pile of crotch-less bodies.
“It was the beast,” Dr. Thunder said, “We need to come up with some sort of plan.
“I have an idea,” chirped a young trooper, Lance Corporal Has-Only-Only-One-Line-Of-Dialogue, “there’s an old abandoned power station about a mile to the east of here. If we can trap it there, and overload the generators, or some other logically implausible engineering bullshit, we can kill it!”
“Good work son!” Dr. Thunder said, as the trooper disappeared from the rest of the story, “but we’ll need some sort of bait to lure it there.
“I know just the thing!’ Dr. Love-Interest said, ripping the lab-coat from Dr. Thunder’s perfect body. Immediately, all 16 surviving Stormtroopers became full-on gay.
“My god!” Lieutenant Dudefella said, ‘It’s perfect! Uh, for the plan I mean! The plan!”
An hour later, Dr. Thunder stood fully nude on top of the abandoned power station. Before he could contemplate why there would be a power station in the middle of a rainforest, or for that matter, what a rainforest was doing in Illinois, he spotted a rustling in the bushes before him. The dick-beast burst forth and roared in fury and hunger at Dr. Thunder’s Ineffably Glorious Trouser-snake.
Dr.Thunder lifted the walkie-talkie to his mouth.
“Lieutenant! The beast has appeared! Are your men ready?”
“Yes Doctor! We have teams in the power station ready to something electricity something something bullshit as soon as it enters the courtyard!”
The cannibal dick monster smashed easily through the chain link fence surrounding the power station and thundered toward Dr. Thunder’s Majestic Baby-Maker.
“Come on… come on you big bastard!” Dr. Thunder shouted as the monster moved into position, as it reached the center of a series of Tesla coils that were at the power station for some reason, Dr. Thunder shouted into the walkie-talkie again, “Now lieutenant! Do science at it!”
The tesla coils roared to life and arced lightning into the beast, which screamed in pain.
“No you fool!” A voice came from behind Dr. Thunder, he turned in tiem to see Dr. Villain swinging a fire extinguisher at his head. The extinguisher impacted the side of his head and he was knocked to the ground.
“Dr. Secret Villain! What are you doing!” Dr. Thunder said, looking up at the turncoat with shock in his eyes.
“I am protecting my creation! I can’t let you destroy my perfect being!” Dr. Villain reached into his coat and pulled out a gun, pointing it at Dr. Thunder’s head.
“Why didn’t you use the gun earlier, instead of the fire extinguisher?”
“It is more dramatic this way!” He launched into another cackling session which was suddenly cut short, as he was dropped to the ground by yet another fire extinguisher, wielded by Dr. Love-Interest.
“Dr. Thunder! I love you!” Lieutenant Dudefella called from the ground.
“That’s… um… great Mike…” Dr. Thunder said,
“I love you too!” Dr. Love-Interest said, dropping the fire extinguisher and falling on to Dr. Thunder’s naked form, kissing him deeply.
“That’s lovely,” Dr. Thunder said, shoving her face away, “But we should probably go make sure the cock-cobbler is dead.”
On the ground, lightning continued to arc into the still form of the penis monster. Lieutenant Dudefella gestured to the control room and the lightning stopped. He approached the beast, poked it with his rifle, and gave a thumbs up to Dr. Thunder on the roof.
“Excellent! Back to the sex!” Dr. Thunder said, turning back to Dr. Love-Interest.
“No you fools!” Dr. Villain screamed, having dragged himself to the edge of the roof, he pointed down at the prostrate form of the monster. The testicles slowly began to twitch. Moments later, they burst open, revealing two more monsters, which quickly began growing until they were even bigger than the first one. Lieutenant Dudefella fired at the one on the left, but this only angered the creature, which quickly swooped down and bisected him.
“No! I loved him!” six separate Stormtroopers shouted, as the rest of the platoon emerged from the power station to avenge their fallen leader. Unfortunately they fared little better and with two monsters they died twice as fast.
“You cannot stop them!” Dr. Villain jeered, “Nothing can stop them!”
“What will we do?” Dr. Love-Interest said, clutching Dr. Thunder’s bulging bicep.
“The only way to stop a penis,” Dr. Thunder said calmly, as his member swelled with blood, “Is with another penis.”
“Dr. Thunder! No!” Dr. Love-Interest wailed, “It’s too dangerous!
“Don’t worry my dear, tonight we dine on cockmeat sandwiches!” Dr. Thunder said, “Actually, that sounds kind of gross, but yeah, I am going to go kill them with my dick now!”
Dr. Thunder leaped into the courtyard and approached the creature on the right. As it lunged toward him he landed a right hook on its head and it toppled to the ground. Gripping the foreskin with both hands, Dr. Thunder thrust his rock-hard dick through the beast’s head in a shower of gore. The body spasmed and then was forever still.
Enraged by the death of his brother the left creature roared angrily and swept out Dr. Thunder’s leg with his mighty nutsack. Dr. Thunder fell to the ground and the creature wrapped itself around him like a boa constrictor.
Dr. Thunder screamed in exertion as his cock burst out the other side of the penis monster’s shaft, spraying the entire courtyard with blood. As the fluid drained from his body the dick-creature grew flaccid, weakly flopping against Dr. Thunder before succumbing to blood loss.
The few remaining Stormtroopers cheered as Dr. Thunder pulled the limp body from his erection. Dr. Love-Interest appeared at the stairs, leading the treacherous Dr. Villain before him with his own gun. As soon as she turned custody over to a stormtrooper, she leapt into Dr. Thunder’s arms.
“You did it Dr. Thunder! You saved America!” she swooned.
“Yep, and now there’s just one last thing I have to penetrate.”
“God I hope it’s my vagina!”
“Damn straight.”
THE END. BASTARDS.
