Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 314

Hello my inexplicably loyal, possibly non-existent friends! I haven't had a chance to make a new episode in a while because I got involved with Doctors Without Borders and they sent me to Morocco. I later realized that the organization had nothing to do with bringing back the bankrupt bookstore Borders and was, in fact, some sort of dumb charity thing. Long story short, I am now supreme emperor for life of about 3 villages in Morocco that seceded from the government. Perhaps I will be back someday, at least to see how the eugenics is going. But in the meantime my only duty is to you and your nagging, frivolous emails. I was a god to those people. A GOD. Let's get started!

THESE ARE MY HANDS! THEY ARE LIFE AND DEATH!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
My office is doing a Secret Santa this year and as luck would have it I get to buy a gift for a girl I have had a crush on since I started working here. I asked her friends about her and they say she is a gamer. I don't play any video games so I don't really know what to get her! Can you help?
Tom

First of all, I'd like to address my fanbase as a whole: enough with the god damn relationship questions. I am not Will Smith in Hitch. I am a medical doctor and 5 seconds of my time is worth more than the lives of you and your whole family.
Anyways Steven, Secret Santa is a great way to build teamwork and camaraderie in any workplace. There's nothing like seeing the look on the faces of children as you round them up and reveal that Santa isn't real. It also serves the community by establishing early on that their parents are not to be trusted, only the cold reality of the system can show them the truth. I have never exchanged gifts before but I can see how that can add an extra layer of heartbreak on to the whole experience.
The fact that her friends told you she was a "gamer" tells me they are either vapid whores who know nothing about their friend or actively trying to thwart your attempt to put your dick inside of her. Saying someone is a "gamer" is meaningless in this day and age. Two people could both view themselves as "gamers" but have absolutely zero cross over in the games they play. There are RPG gamers, PC gamers, FPS gamers, RTS gamers, and lots of overlapping sub-categories. Hell I bet those assholes who clog up facebook with their retarded "free" games could be considered gamers. Have you tried actually talking to this person, getting to know them, and then making a decision based on that instead of asking a complete stranger on the internet? Or you could just get that bitch a gift card. Bitches love gift cards.

Oh good! It's like a less useful version of money!

Dear Dr.Thunder,
I believe that gay marriage is wrong but my friends all act like I am some sort of bigot. Is there any way to make them see things my way?

Well, Steven, normally I am against people who are different than me being happy but I actually support gay marriage. Now, I have been married to 112 women, 1 Victorian ghost trapped in a mirror, and 1 Truckasaurus so I am probably not in any position to judge a guy for marrying another guy. I stopped believing in the "sanctity of marriage" the second or third time I got married to avoid paying for dinner. Did you know that a lot of restaurants will comp your meal if you propose? This is especially useful to me, since the only currency I carry is tiny, solid gold statues of myself. And it's a lot less trouble than burning the place to the ground.

Getting back to the issue at hand, gay marriage provides a valuable service to the community. It removes the number of men available to marry women. Every year thousands of gay men marry women either to hide their sexuality or receive benefits like insurance or tax relief. This means that there are thousands of women who can't marry me. That's just unacceptable. Plus, I'd hate for Michael Armor to die alone when he finally comes out of the closet. I don't know how he has time to watch all those movies with all the covert dude banging he is no doubt engaged in all the time. Like some kind of buttsex ninja. Write a book about that, Michael Armor.

Michael Armor. Both of them.

Dear Dr. Thunder,
I recently stopped drinking caffeine because my wife told me how terrible it is for you. The only problem is that I need to stay up all night for my job. You see, I work for a talking horse who lives inside a boulder that tells me to break into the houses of U.S. Congressmen and poison their food with mercury. Are there any alternatives to caffeine you can suggest?

Well Stephen, you're in luck. I have a new energy drink specially developed for people like you! Dr. Thunder's Atomic Bastard Sauce is scientifically proven to keep you awake better than any other brand! Unfortunately, it was banned by the FDA shortly after release because one of the ingredients was Hitler Blood. Not the Hitler, but a Hitler. You know what they say, you can't make an omelet without exsanguinating the relatives of a long dead German dictator. Luckily I have devised a recipe so you can make it at home! Just combine 6 ounces of Mountain Dew Livewire, 2 ounces of gin, 3600 milligrams of Modafinil and 4 milligrams of plutonium and you have something that's almost as good as the real thing! You'll be up for days at a time, trying desperately to stop the waking nightmares that torment you at every turn! For added authenticity, feel free to add a few drops of blood from an angry German.

I am from Germany and I am not happy about it.

Well that's all the emails I am willing to read this time. Remember to keep sending those emails, and I will keep pretending to read them!