Hello children! welcome to another session of Ask Dr. Thunder. Where I take time out from being great to answer your dumb questions about bullshit.
After receiving exclusively praise for my last entry, which for those of you too lazy to check, was the brilliant piece of prose known as "Atomic Cannibal Penis Monsters From Mars" I have come to the conclusion that not only am I the best writer on this shitty blog, but possibly the best writer in existence. However, until I can find the time to track down every other writer that has ever lived, and strangle the life out of them with my bare hands I can't be sure. In the meantime Atomic Cannibal Penis Monsters shall enjoy the fruit's of it's whirlwind literary triumph. Even now there is an intense bidding war for the rights to bring this masterpiece to the silver screen. Right now the front runners are Brazzers, 21st Sextury and The Asylum, which I am forced to assume are major Hollywood Studios.
While I wait for the filthy lucre to pour in, I still have to pander to you assholes. And in the spirit of pandering, starting with the next episode, we shall be re-introducing video content to Ask Dr. Thunder, My PR director suggested I embed a video alongside my masterful prose in order to appeal better to my target audience of illiterates, hobgoblins, and dogs wanderign past computer screens. I suggested embedding my dick in her sweet ass. Then she said something about sexual hash browns I think. It's hard to make out what she's saying when she's yelling like that. Anyway, the infrastructure to produce videos is not available to me at the moment because one of my bitch ex-wives somehow got a hold of a list of my assets and took the studio so we will stick with our text-based format for now. Because you can't seize a free blog, Karen.
Dear Dr. Thunder,
I am thinking of starting a small herb garden in my backyard but the pH level of my soil is too high to support most of the plants I would like to grow. Is there an easy way to lower it?
Well Stephen, as you know, the "pH" level, or "pixie hand-job" level of your soil is a measure of the sex trade amongst mythical creatures in your garden. In soil with an unusually low socio-economic stauts, vices like sex and drugs can be prevalent. The best way to lower the pH level would be obviously to implement a series of economic reforms to reduce the dependency of your mythical creatures on the welfare system, but that solution takes time that you don't have, because based on the two sentences you wrote, it sounds like you have a crippling addiction to rosemary so we need to work fast. I would suggest introducing a gnomish psychopath into your garden, available from most home improvement stores, to thin out the prostitute population and leave those that remain in a state of fear.
Dear Dr. Thunder,
I have a gay friend that I have known for years and I have never had a problem with his sexuality before. However he has recently announced that he and his boyfriend are engaged and will be getting married in a state where it is legal. What kind of wine should I get them as a wedding present?
Well Stephen, my disapproval glands are filled to the brim with anger-sauce right now. It is obvious that this "gay friend" of yours is actually you. Clearly you are one of the millions of Americans who abuse our cherished gay marriage system in order to extort free wine from friends and family. You people make me sick. I suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon, a 2007 or older.
Dear Dr. Thunder,
My hand is stuck in a toaster, but I really want toast. Like really bad. Do you think I should wait til my hand is out before I make the toast?
Well Stephen, it's important to note that while Puerto Ricans may be lazy, shifty thieves, their nimble fingers are vital in running the machinery that produces our consumer goods, and so without a steady influx of these disease ridden half-men we will never beat the insidious Chinamen in the global markets. I'm sorry what were you talking about?
Dear Dr. Thunder,
I hear you still have numerous unreported assets that you stubbornly refuse to disclose to collection agencies. Can you give a comprehensive list of these assets and their estimated market values?
Damn it Karen! HOW DID YOU FIND THIS BLOG? I swear by Odin's glossy vagina if I ever see you again I will stab you i nthe face with a soldering iron! And I would like to stress to your bloodsucking whore of a lawyer that that last statement was a metaphor. Because if I actually had a soldering iron with which to stab that donkey anus you call a face, YOU WOULD SEIZE IT.
Well folks, that;s all the time we have this week. Remember, next episode will feature a video! So tune in for that! Unless your Karen. Then you can go choke on a thousand dicks.
After receiving exclusively praise for my last entry, which for those of you too lazy to check, was the brilliant piece of prose known as "Atomic Cannibal Penis Monsters From Mars" I have come to the conclusion that not only am I the best writer on this shitty blog, but possibly the best writer in existence. However, until I can find the time to track down every other writer that has ever lived, and strangle the life out of them with my bare hands I can't be sure. In the meantime Atomic Cannibal Penis Monsters shall enjoy the fruit's of it's whirlwind literary triumph. Even now there is an intense bidding war for the rights to bring this masterpiece to the silver screen. Right now the front runners are Brazzers, 21st Sextury and The Asylum, which I am forced to assume are major Hollywood Studios.
While I wait for the filthy lucre to pour in, I still have to pander to you assholes. And in the spirit of pandering, starting with the next episode, we shall be re-introducing video content to Ask Dr. Thunder, My PR director suggested I embed a video alongside my masterful prose in order to appeal better to my target audience of illiterates, hobgoblins, and dogs wanderign past computer screens. I suggested embedding my dick in her sweet ass. Then she said something about sexual hash browns I think. It's hard to make out what she's saying when she's yelling like that. Anyway, the infrastructure to produce videos is not available to me at the moment because one of my bitch ex-wives somehow got a hold of a list of my assets and took the studio so we will stick with our text-based format for now. Because you can't seize a free blog, Karen.
Dear Dr. Thunder,
I am thinking of starting a small herb garden in my backyard but the pH level of my soil is too high to support most of the plants I would like to grow. Is there an easy way to lower it?
Well Stephen, as you know, the "pH" level, or "pixie hand-job" level of your soil is a measure of the sex trade amongst mythical creatures in your garden. In soil with an unusually low socio-economic stauts, vices like sex and drugs can be prevalent. The best way to lower the pH level would be obviously to implement a series of economic reforms to reduce the dependency of your mythical creatures on the welfare system, but that solution takes time that you don't have, because based on the two sentences you wrote, it sounds like you have a crippling addiction to rosemary so we need to work fast. I would suggest introducing a gnomish psychopath into your garden, available from most home improvement stores, to thin out the prostitute population and leave those that remain in a state of fear.
Dear Dr. Thunder,
I have a gay friend that I have known for years and I have never had a problem with his sexuality before. However he has recently announced that he and his boyfriend are engaged and will be getting married in a state where it is legal. What kind of wine should I get them as a wedding present?
Well Stephen, my disapproval glands are filled to the brim with anger-sauce right now. It is obvious that this "gay friend" of yours is actually you. Clearly you are one of the millions of Americans who abuse our cherished gay marriage system in order to extort free wine from friends and family. You people make me sick. I suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon, a 2007 or older.
Dear Dr. Thunder,
My hand is stuck in a toaster, but I really want toast. Like really bad. Do you think I should wait til my hand is out before I make the toast?
Well Stephen, it's important to note that while Puerto Ricans may be lazy, shifty thieves, their nimble fingers are vital in running the machinery that produces our consumer goods, and so without a steady influx of these disease ridden half-men we will never beat the insidious Chinamen in the global markets. I'm sorry what were you talking about?
Dear Dr. Thunder,
I hear you still have numerous unreported assets that you stubbornly refuse to disclose to collection agencies. Can you give a comprehensive list of these assets and their estimated market values?
Damn it Karen! HOW DID YOU FIND THIS BLOG? I swear by Odin's glossy vagina if I ever see you again I will stab you i nthe face with a soldering iron! And I would like to stress to your bloodsucking whore of a lawyer that that last statement was a metaphor. Because if I actually had a soldering iron with which to stab that donkey anus you call a face, YOU WOULD SEIZE IT.
Well folks, that;s all the time we have this week. Remember, next episode will feature a video! So tune in for that! Unless your Karen. Then you can go choke on a thousand dicks.
