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Monday, January 5, 2015

Bloodmurder 2: Death at Kill Mountain, a story by Dr. Thunder

Hello Reader-types! So word on the interwebz is my partner in crime Michael Armor was able to take time off from being a janitor to post a story about pizza or something. A sneak preview of his new book, The Incomparable Excellence of Dr. Thunder. Now obviously, no one is going to read a book written by that loser without a little extra punch so I am going to be contributing yet another story of my own.
My lawyer has advised me to point out that all characters in this story are entirely fictional and any resemblance to real people, especially my bitch ex-wife Karen, is entirely coincidental. Not that I would call Karen a person, more like some kind of unholy manifestation of bitch-energy designed to ruin my life.
My lawyer has advised me to add that the previous sentence was also not based on a real person.

Dr. Handsome Protagonist stepped out of his legal guardian's station wagon and across the threshold of The Dr. Handsome Protagonist Summer Camp for Attractive Stereotypes. His legal guardian dropped off a pair of duffel bags, both filled with amphetamines to trade for clothing and supplies, and then gave Dr. Protagonist a pat on the back.
"Well, 16 year old Dr. Protagonist, your other legal guardian and I sure will miss you for these six weeks where you are at summer camp."
"Undoubtedly," the young, handsome doctor said, "But it is a part of growing up, here, in the year 1986 for one of my age."
"An age, I feel I should point out, that would make you having sex with countless underage girls legally and socially acceptable."
"You've got that right. Well, that's enough exposition for now, I'm going to meet up with my friends. Have fun being an indeterminate gender legal guardian!"
"You know I will!" With that, Legal Guardian drove off back to the city.
Seeing their much smarter and more handsome friend, Dr. Protagonist's friends approached.
"Hi Dr. Protagonist!" The Fat One said, his mouth perpetually smeared with foie gras and green tea ice cream.
"Salutations!" The smart one said, instinctively pushing up his glasses, which had slid down his large, Jewish nose.
"I am also here!" Said Tim, Dr. Protagonist's best friend, and the only one of his chums with more than one defining characteristic. "We're all so glad you're here! We actually have almost nothing in common with each other or anything to talk about!"
"I know, right!" Dr. Protagonist laughed.
"Boy," Fat Friend said, as he shoved a candy bar into a live turtle and then ate it, "it sure is funny that the camp is named after you, despite the fact that this is your first time here."
"Oh Fat Friend, you are as naive as you are obese. Dr. Handsome Protagonist also happens to be the name of an ancient Native American tribe, that were brutally massacred by the American Government, then thrown in a mass grave, which was used as a landfill for a while until the bones were dug up to be turned into sex toys."
"They say their spirits still roam these lands so we hold a big dance every year to mock them for being sore losers." Tim added.
"It was all in the counselor orientation."
"Oh I see," Fat Friend nodded, "I missed orientation because I got trapped in a door frame for a week." He then opened up a gallon bag of skittles, poured in a jug of maple syrup, and used it as the dressing for a salad made of bacon and cheeze its.
"Well we should go find our cabins now." Dr. Protagonist said. Before they could set out however a girl ran up and hugged Dr. Protagonist in a very platonic way.
"Dr. Protagonist! You're here!" She said.
"Ah! Of course, my platonic female friend Charlie! How could I forget about you! I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever despite being quite attractive and being compatible on a number of other levels."
"Ha ha, of course not. As you can tell from my shortcut and name typically associated with males, I am a tomboy, and therefore assumed to be an unfit partner!"
"You sure are!"

That night the Camp Director gathered all of the counselors for the opening campfire/Indian burial ground desecration.
"All right boys and girls." The Camp Director began, "I will be your borderline negligent camp director. This will probably be the last time you see me. Now, the parents of these attractive, stereotypical children are trusting us to take care of them. It is up to you to show them what a huge mistake that is. I need you to put in the bare minimum with these kids, focus entirely on having sex with each other, doing illegal drugs, and engaging in bitter, pointless feuds.
Speaking of which, there is inexplicably a second camp across Lake Kiddrown from us, and it is better than ours in every way. They will undoubtedly beat us at the inter-camp sporting event that we inexplicably keep agreeing to compete in, despite losing every year.
Well, that's the last you'll see of me, or indeed any real authority figure, so I'll leave you to your bad decisions." With that he left the campfire to go lock himself on his cabin.
"Camp sounds fun!" Fat Friend said, adding more olive oil to the suckling bison he had subtly began roasting over the campfire.
"I just hope there isn't any drama." Tim said, summoning a gaggle of muscular jerks from the other side of the fire.
"Well if it isn't Dr.Gaytagonist and his friends, Gay Friend, Fag Friend, and Tim"
The largest of the other counselors said, prompting a chorus of laughter from his cronies.
"Ha! It's funny, because it is the 80s and being gay carries a negative connotation." One of the cronies pointed out helpfully.
"Well if it isn't Ricky Sociopath." Dr. Protagonist said, "Did I ever tell you I know your mother? In the biblical sense. By which I mean I gave her such an intense orgasm that she founded a religion and wrote a holy text based on our coitus."
"I don't understand and that makes me angry!" He reared back his hand but a pretty blonde girl grabbed it before he could punch.
"Leave him alone Ricky, he's not worth it."
Dr. Protagonist was immediately smitten with the girl.
"And who might you be?" He asked.
"You can call me Karen." She said, brushing hair away from her eyes, "you sure are charming and handsome. It's a shame I am inexplicably in a committed relationship with this guy who treats me terribly that I have no chemistry with. Oh well! Off to go blow him by the lake."
As they walked off, the cronies dispersed and Dr. Protagonist turned to Tim.
"Tim, I must have her! She is incredibly attractive and that is all I need to know before attempting to form a relationship with her."
"I don't know old chum, this Karen girl looks like the kind of person who would turn into a gigantic bitchasaurus after you marry her, and then somehow become even more of a shrieking harpy after you get divorced, demanding alimony all the god damn time lime some kind of broken record."
"I agree," Smart Friend said, "and this entirely fictional person seems like she would also have a vast menagerie of sexual diseases, acquired by fornicating with filthy sailors down by the docks every Wednesday."
"That sounds like it would be slander, were this Karen based on a real person."
"Agreed, but she is not. So let's drop it."
"I don't care what you people think!" Dr. Protagonist said,  "Her beauty has blinded me to her many, many negative qualities!"
"Hey guys!" Charlie joined them from the girls side of the campfire, "How are my totally platonic buddies? Still not romantically interested? Me neither!"

Camp went smoothly for a couple weeks, until one chilly night across the lake at Dr. Handsome Protagonist's Summer Camp for Wealthy Attractive Stereotypes.
Blake and Thad, two of rhe counselors at the rich kid camp, were out inspecting the enclosure where they kept the goats that they fed to the camp's genetically engineered Tyrannosaurus.
"I say, old sport!" Blake said, his monocle popping off in shock, "this fence is supposed to be chupacabra proof! But alas, the fence has been rent asunder by a terrible force and a score of goats lie exsanguinated!"
"Indeed!" Thad replied, "perhaps we are dealing with no common chupacabra."
"Surely you are not suggesting the fabled Supercabra, spoken of in tales 'round the fire? The very notion is preposterous!"
"Preposterous it may be, but when no mundane explanation can be found, only the preposterous ones remain."
"Perhaps, but we can not rule out--" before he could reply Blake's head was severed with a machete.
Keith's monocle popped out in surprise in fear as a second machete entered his chest.

Three weeks into camp, Dr. Protagonist sat moping in his cabin while his friends attempted to cheer him up.
"Come on Handsome!" Tim said, "just forget about that Karen girl! You've already slept with every other female above the age of 16 at this camp."
"Except Charlie of course." Smart Friend pointed out, "She's like a sister to you and the idea of a romantic relationship has never even occurred to you."
"Well of course." Dr. Protagonist sighed,  "but no amount of meaningless sex, no matter how mind blowing, can get my mind off that golden haired beauty."
"You even banged my sister!" Fat Friend said, drowning an emperor penguin in an oversized fondue pot filled with boiling hollandaise sauce.
"Yes, multiple times, in every orifice." Dr. Protagonist said sadly, "But no amount of hot sex with your filthy whore of a sister could measure up to Karen."
"C'mon Dr. Protagonist, it's time for archery practice, we've got kids who depend on us to teach them an outdated method of long-distance killing."
They headed down to the archery field where Ricky Sociopath and some of his friends were finishing up their javelin throwing class. Ricky was teaching his more muscular campers to give atomic javelin wedgies to the social outcasts. Karen stood nearby, being disgusted by Ricky's various cruel antics, but not enough to reconsider their relationship.
Charlie and a group of girl campers were also there, setting up the archery targets.
"What are you doing here Charlie?" Dr. Protagonist asked as his own campers began setting up equipment. Tim left to go check out the bows and arrows from the equipment shed while Fay Friend attempted to eat Smart Friend.
"Well we were originally scheduled for Survival Cooking, Survival Cleaning, and Survival Child-rearing, but, as a tomboy, I have decided that what these girls really want is to be taught that they can and will do anything a boy can do, regardless of their actual preference."
"How very noble of you!"
"Ha!" Ricky pointed him out to his friends, "Dr. Queertagonist is interacting with a girl he has no desire to have sex with! What a faggot!"
"The gay jokes are getting a bit tired. Just like your mom. After I had sex with her."
"Your comments have confused and enraged me!" Ricky picked up a javelin and prepared to hurl it when a sheriff's car pulled up next to the range.
"Afternoon, folks." The sheriff said as he emerged from his car. Ricky quickly tossed the javelin where it safely embedded in a less important character. "Just thought I'd come by and check up on you, after what happened at the rich kids camp."
"What happened?" Charlie asked.
A sly grin crept kn the sheriffs face, "well some pranksters massacred the campers and staff, partially consumed their bodies,  and then erected a pyramid of their skulls. I know your camp has a friendly rivalry with those rich kids, but you guys just have to be careful not to take things too far."
"It wasn't us." Ricky said defensively.
"Sure it wasn't..." The sheriff shook his head, "anyway, you kids be careful. Especially since this summer is the hundred year anniversary of that gang of maniacs escaping from the asylum across the lake and trying to summon Satan. You know how that brings out the weirdies. You kids have a good day!" With that, the sheriff returned to his car and drove off.
Ricky snorted, then gathered his campers and left. Karen gave Dr. Protagonist a flirty gaze and then followed.
"I feel like we should tell the camp director about this." Smart Friend said.
"Nah." Dr. Protagonist said, "if anything he'd be happy we're finally going to win the camp games this year!"
"That's right!" Charlie said, "according to the rules of the games, any camp that is converted into a pyramid of skulls forfeits!" She high-fived Dr. Protagonist.
"Hey guys," Tim said, returning from the equipment shed, "Someone threw a javelin into my shoulder."
"No one cares Tim." Dr. Protagonist said, "more importantly, someone massacred the rich kids."
"Oh. Well are we in any danger?"
"Probably not. I suspect this was a fluke and we will hear no more of it for the rest of the year."

The next morning six counselors were found stabbed to death with machetes while having an orgy in Fat Friend's sleeping bag.
"Wow thank god you weren't in there." Smart Friend said as the bodies were carried off.
"Yeah." Fat Friend said, "but it happened when I was out getting a midnight snack, and a 1am snack, and a 2am snack and... well I basically wake up at midnight and pretty much eat continuously until I pass out at 6pm."
"Yeah we noticed." Tim said, "So what are we going to do Dr. Protagonist?"
"Well," Dr. Protagonist said, "having the entire camp murdered would really put a damper on my plan to bang Karen, so we're going to have to catch this killer."
"Can I help?" Charlie asked.
"Perhaps. As a woman, you would make an irresistible high value target. If we can use you as bait, we'll catch this monster in no time."
"Sounds great! What do I do?"
"We're going to set a trap for him at the old abandoned machete factory across the lake."
"This lake is seeming like a really bad place to put a summer camp, let alone two..."
The friends traveled across the lake to the factory in the camp's catamaran. There they found Ricky and his goons as well as Karen and some lady goons.
"What are you doing here?" Tim asked, "we reserved this machete factory this morning."
"Hey guys, do you know what Tim's short for?" Ricky asked his cronies, "Faggot."
"Speaking of short," Dr. Protagonist said, "during one of our post-coitus chats your mother and I discussed your father's inadequacy in the genital department. More importantly, it seems to be hereditary."
"I am angryface!" Ricky charged forward but suddenly stopped in his tracks and began backing up slowly.
"Ha!" Smart Friend said, "I am forced to assume you are suddenly and inexplicably afraid of us, despite your bravado mere seconds before!"
Suddenly a machete sprouted from Smart Friend's open mouth and a second machete cut his body out from under him. Dr. Protagonist and hiss friends turned to see what killed him.
"My god! It's a machete wielding Supercabra!" Dr. Protagonist shouted.
"Dressed in Native American garb!" Tim added.
"And he appears to be possessed by Satan!" Charlie continued.
"Blarglehurgh!" Fat Friend had shoved Smart Friend's headless body into his mouth.
"Let's all run away!" Ricky said, as he and his goons and goonettes scattered.
"Quick! Fat Friend! Distract the beast!" Dr. Protagonist said.
Fat Friend nodded, finished swallowing his friend's body and then turned on the monster. It slashed at him with machetes but couldn't penetrate deep enough to do any real damage. Fat Friend unhinged his jaw and opened wide, intending to swallow the beast. However, this exposed his weak spot and the Supercabra leapt into his mouth and began destroying Fat Friend from the inside.
"Quick! Let's get inside!" Charlie said as she grabbed Tim and Dr. Protagonist by the shoulders and led them toward the factory.
"I will avenge you friends!" Dr. Protagonist yelled, "but only because doing so would provide me with safety!"

Buzz, one of Ricky's under-bullies had barricaded himself in the foreman's office with his girlfriend.
"Now that we're safe," he said, pulling off his shirt, "Let's have premarital sex."
"Really Buzz?" His girlfriend rolled her eyes, "There's a killer monster thing out there!"
"This is the foreman's office of a machete factory. It's probably the most machete proof room we could possibly find."
"That is a good point, but I'm just not in the mood."
"Oh come on! I forgave you when you cheated on me with Dr. Protagonist!"
"Every girl in camp slept with Dr. Protagonist! And a relationship is more than just you doing nice things for me in exchange for sex."
"Don't make me start masturbating in here because I totally will."
"Fine, let's do it."
As they undressed there was suddenly a loud crash as the Supercabra appeared at the window. The girl screamed, and Buzz ejaculated in fear. The monster's machetes bounced harmlessly from the machete-proof glass of the window.
"See?" Buzz said proudly, "what did I tell you? We're totally--"
Before he could finish the monster vomited a stream of molten rock, melting through the glass.
"Well shit." Buzz said as it stabbed him in the chest with a machete.

"Can you take off those stupid 3D glasses dude?"
Ricky's other two cronies wandered the halls of the factory together.
"No dude, they're part of my identity!"
"Those things are doing nothing but hindering your vision, especially in such a dark environment. "
"Look, we all have our things. Ricky's the alpha, you haven't worn a shirt with sleeves since your middle school graduation, and Buzz is a classically trained opera singer. Wearing 3D glasses at all times is my thing."
"Whatever dude, just don't expect me to get in a car with you when you get your license."
"Where the fuck are we?" They looked around and found dozens of open wooden crates full of machetes.
"You'd think they would have taken these with them when they abandoned this place."
"I guess they were in a hurry..."
"Oh well, their loss." They each grabbed a machete.
"There we go. I feel much safer now."
"Me too. Now that we are safe, let's jerk each other off."
"Don't be a faggot Gary! We'll jerk ourselves off while gazing into each other's eyes."
"Sounds like a plan."
Before they could take their pants off, they heard a woman's scream nearby that was abruptly cut off. They followed the source of the noise to a nearby door.
Gary slowly opened the door and the two boys looked inside. One of the girls they had brought with them was pinned to a wall by a machete through her throat. Another girl was lying on the ground with the Supercabra crouched over her, devouring her flesh.
The two bullies looked at each other, then at the monster. They slowly crept up behind it and raised their machetes. As one they stabbed them down into the creature's back. It roared in anger and stood up.
As it stood the machetes s were absorbed into it's body. A few moments later they re-emerged, blade first from it's sides. Slowly they slid out, gripped by a second pair of arms. The bullies screamed as it turned around. The monster grabbed them by the throats with its original arms, then stabbed them through the hearts with its new ones.

"Dr. Protagonist we need a plan." Charlie said as she crouched with Tim and Dr. Protagonist behind a table full of machetes.
"Alright, here's what I have." Dr. Protagonist said, "Tim, you were the camp basket weaving champion right?"
"Of course,  six years in a row."
"Excellent! I need you to use those skills to weave a cage put of these machetes."
"That sounds like a great plan! Except for one problem."
"I've just been disemboweled." Dr. Protagonist and Charlie looked behind Tim as the monster ripped his spinr out of his back.
"Well I guess we need a new plan then..."
"Run!" Charlie screamed as she grabbed Dr. Protagonist's arm. They ran through a door onto a catwalk overlooking the factory floor. Below, hundreds of sharp machetes littered the ground, all pointing upward for some reason. On the other aide of the catwalk Ricky and Karen were having sex.
"Really?" Charlie said, "Here? Above hundreds of sharp machetes?"
"Danger makes me horny." Karen shrugged.
"This explains a lot about your relationship. .." Dr. Protagonist mused.
The Supercabra burst through the door behind him.
"Oh shit!" Ricky shouted.
As the Supercabra stepped onto the catwalk it began swaying. Karen and Charlie were both knocked off the side, each barely grabbing a handhold.
" Fuck this shit," Ricky said, pulling his pants up, "I'm out!" As he turned to run a beam of light emanated from the Supercabra's eyes, hitting Ricky in the small of his back and disintegrating him. Karen fell to the floor below,  onto the blades of a dozen machetes.
Charlie's hand slipped but Dr. Protagonist caught her and pulled her back onto the platform.
"You saved me!" She exclaimed.
"You can thank me later!"
The monster stalked down the catwalk, twirling machetes in all 4 of its arms.
"Wait, I have an idea!" Charlie said. She ran toward the Supercabra, "Distract it!"
"Hey!" Dr. Protagonist waved his arms "look at me, I'm distracting you! Doesn't that piss you off?"
The beast roared in anger as Charlie slid between its legs and went out the door behind it.
"Come on!" Dr. Protagonist said, "aren't you annoyed that my tactic is working? Doesn't it make you want to focus your attention on me, but take no actual action against me for some reason?"
The Supercabra took another step forward, raising up it's arms.
"Yeah, you probably could have killed me a bunch of times, and were I any other character ypu would have done so by now, but for some reason, you are hesitating to kill me, despite having as much, or more reason to kill me than ypu had to kill anyone else."
By now the Supercabra was in striking distance and he slowly prepared to strike.
Suddenly a lasso of intestines dropped down around him. He was pulled backwards and Charlie ran over to finish tying up tje monster with Tim's intestines. Soon the Supercabra was neatly bound in the middle of the catwalk.
"Now let's see who this monster really is!" Dr. Thunder strode over confidently. With one smooth motion he pulled the Supercabra's head off, revealing it to be a mask. Behind the mask was the Camp Director.
"The Camp Director!" Charlie exclaimed.
"That's right." The Camp Director said, "it was me!"
"But why?"
"No one was coming to my ski camp. So I figured I could boost attendance by driving everyome away from summer camp!"
"Isn't ski camp in the winter?"
"Oh. Oh right. I forgot about that."
"So wait," Dr. Protagonist shook his head, "you killed over a hundred people to promote a fucking ski camp?"
"And where did you even get this costume?"
"From the abandoned special effects studio across the lake."
"And what about when you grew four arms! Or shot lasers out of your eyes! Or did the many other things a pudgy man in his forties shouldn't be able to do! Especially im a heavy latex suit!"
"Smoke and mirrors?"
"You're probably getting the death penalty for this."
"Dr. Protagonist look!" Charlie pointed below them to Karen's body. The skin had begun writhing. Moments later, thousands of black spiders poured from her body, leaving behind the deflated husk of her skin.
The spiders fled in every direction.
"Oh!" Dr. Protagonist slapped his forehead, "she was actually 10,000 spiders in a woman suit!"
"Thank god you dodged that bullet!"
"I know! Imagine if I had married her, and then every weekend she kept insisting we go to a dog show as if that was a legitimate form of entertainment."
"That would have been a living hell."

Later that night Charlie and Dr. Protagonist sat by the lake and looked out at the many abandoned structures lining the opposite shore.
"You saved my life back there, Dr. Protagonist."  Charlie said.
"You saved mine."
"I have a confession to make. I'm in love with you. I always have been."
"I'm quite fond of you as well."
"I want you to take my virginity. And then my anal virginity. And then I want you to find two friends and--"
Dr. Protagonist put a finger over her lips.
"How about you give me my first kiss?"
"You've never kissed a girl?"
"A woman's mouth is a festering cesspool of ignorance and disease. But I'm willing to ignore that in this case."
"I love you Dr. Thunder."
"Dr. Protagonist."


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Super Pizza Squad

As far as alien cyborg's bent on galactic domination go, you could do a lot worse than Omega 7. He was a vast improvement over, for example, Omega 6.
Omega 6, though, still had both eyes, part of his left shoulder, his right lung, parts of his intestinal tract, a few square inches of skin, and, of course, his increasingly demented brain. Sadly, when creating Omega 7, the bio-engineers were unable to recover his right eyeball, instead replacing it with a powerful laser, as they were fond of doing. Still, Omega 7 was getting by with just his left quite admirably."FOOLS!" The warlord shouted, "Face the wrath of my QUAD LASER!" As he cackled maniacally his forearms split into two sections, which then transformed into laser cannons. Again, Omega's bioengineers are just nuts for lasers. He fired all four lasers at the woman in glowing purple armor that charged at him. She held up her own forearm and a large orange disc extended outward, deflecting the lasers away from her. At the last moment she lashed out with the energy shield and then stepped aside. As the cyborg stumbled back the man in the red spandex who had been shadowing the armored girl closed the distance and landed a steel crushing haymaker on the warlord's stomach.
These guys again. Ever since Omega 3 had made the mistake to target earth, these "heroes" had made a point of ruining his fun. Just because his fun involved subjugation and genocide on a planetary scale. Heck, the planet on which they now stood, a lovely world with a sentient species that had just developed agriculture, wasn't even in the same solar system as earth yet these guys insist on preventing Omega 7 from enslaving its peaceful inhabitants.
And so they were here with their annoying ancient alien battle armor and their stupid steel crushing punches.
Luckily for Omega 7, he was composed of an alien alloy that was actually stronger than steel, so he simply shrugged off the powerful blow. "Ha ha ha!" He boomed, "Your blows are nothing to the- BY FOGARR'S GROIN MY EYE!" His eye had exploded in a shower of orange blood as he gloated. On a nearby hill, a heavy-set black woman in an orange spacesuit pumped her fist in the air.
"Yeah!" She shouted over the comm system, "Got him right in the eye!"
"Don't get cocky Longshot," the man in red said, "just keep Omega 7's minions off us!"
"Yeah, yeah Dan, I just saw an opportunity and I took it."
"Colonel Crimson!" The woman in purple shouted as Omega 7 blindly swung a whirring saw blade down at the man in red.
Colonel Crimson spun around and grabbed the blade of the saw with his bare hands. With a grunt of exertion he bent the blade and released it, causing the limb to explode as it continued its spin.
One of Omega 7's henchmen, seeing an opportunity to win glory by saving the life of his liege, fired a rocket at Colonel Crimson. A pink streak plucked the rocket out of the air, and then deposited it in his back pocket. He got a brief image of a giggling, blonde sixteen year old girl, appearing suddenly on a pile of rubble to wave goodbye, before the rocket exploded.
"Nice work Speedfreak!" Colonel Crimson called out, launching another barrage of punches on Omega 7's chest. The girl suddenly appeared standing on the cyborg's shoulder, popped off a quick salute and then disappeared again.
"Be careful Jenna!" Another woman, clad in a stylized green doctor's coat shouted at the pink streak. Sure enough the streak abruptly resolved into the girl, sailing through the air, clutching her foot, and screaming a string of profanity that would make a sailor blush.
"What did I just say!?" The doctor shouted. Next to her, an overweight young man in yellow punched out another of the swarm of minions surrounding them, his arms turning silver just before the impact. "Adamantium lad, get me to Speedfreak."
 "Can do Doc," the young man nodded. His entire body turned silver and he bulldozed his way through the alien soldiers all around them. The doctor followed in his wake, occasionally kicking a body here and there for good measure.
Adamantium Lad tackled a pair of aliens closing in on Speedfreak and then taunted a larger group.  The volley of fire from their alien weapons deflected harmlessly off the diamond hard shell that covered his body.
"Ok, where does it hurt?" The doctor asked as she took advantage of the distraction to slip in next to Speedfreak.
"Um, I don't know," the girl said through gritted teeth, "maybe the part where my left leg is fucking backwards!" She removed her hands from her leg revealing a bloody mess, the highlight of which was her left foot being perpendicular to her calf.
"Wow ok." The doctor gently took her leg, and then roughly shoved it into the correct configuration, eliciting yowls of pain from Speedfreak.
"OW FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING BITCH!" The speedster screamed. The doctor just sighed and placed her hands on the leg. Green energy poured from them and Speedfreak's screams died down.
"There you go, you big baby..."
Speedfreak stood up, flexed her completely healed leg, giggled, and disappeared in a flash.
"Wow! Thanks Asclepius " The doctor muttered to herself, "I'm so glad you're here for whenever I stub my toe at two hundred miles an hour..."
Suddenly a spray of orange blood coated the back of her head. She turned and watched the headless body of a cyborg soldier drop the energy sword it was carrying and then fall to the ground.
"Got your back Doc!" Longshot said over the radio.
"Thanks." Asclepius said into the comm. Adamantium Lad held out a hand and helped her to her feet.
"Fools!" Omega 7 hollered, "You may have won the battle, but it is I, Omega 7, who shall win the war!" He was missing his left arm and showers of sparks poured from hid robotic body. He hobbled over to a console he had been standing in front of and produced a glowing green device.
Omega 7 took pride in his Domination Fortresses. They were always classy affairs with plenty of room for minions and even more room for lasers. But he also made sure he could always blow the damn things to hell if need be.
"In a few minutes, this fortress, and everything in a mile radius, will be nothing but a fond memory!" Omega 7 cackled. A gaggle of his most loyal henchmen emerged from the shadows, and ushered both their master and his bomb inside the fortress.
"So did we win?" Adamantium Lad asked. The remaining cyborgs were scattering in every direction.
A few moments later a sleek silver ship emerged from the roof of the fortress and took off into the atmosphere.
"He'll be back." Colonel Crimson said.
"Probably as Omega 8, after what we did to him." The armored woman said. She casually extended her arm, causing a bow of orange energy to extend from her fist. She drew back the other hand, which generated an arrow and fired it into the back of one of the cyborg soldiers.
"Now, now Valkyrie, that’s not very sporting." Colonel Crimson scolded her.
She shrugged. Suddenly another spaceship, this one gleaming in red, white, and blue, swooped down on the battlefield.  It landed gently and extended its ramp. Colonel Crimson, ushered Valkyrie inside then gently rose into the air and took off toward Longshot, bringing her back just as Adamantium Lad and Asclepius were hurrying aboard.
"Thanks for the lift Colonel!" She said, as she began to disassemble the huge rifle she carried.
Speedfreak was, of course, already in her seat, texting on her phone. Adamantium Lad took a seat next to her as Asclepius ducked into the lavatory at the back of the ship.
Valkyrie's armor had already retracted into the symbiote that ran long her spine, revealing a sports bra and yoga pants. Colonel Crimson nodded to her and entered the cockpit as the muffled sound of an explosion rang out behind them.
At the controls of the ship was a dark haired man in a blue trench coat.
"Just in time, as usual, Mechanic."
"Don't you love it when a plan comes together?" Mechanic said. A glowing blue cigar appeared in his mouth and he took a couple imaginary puffs before it disappeared into thin air.
Colonel Crimson stared at him blankly.
"Hannibal? From the A-Team?"
"TV Show?"
"I grew up without a TV, remember?"
"I always forget that. When we get back I am showing you the A-Team."
"Don't see the remake." Adamantium Lad called from behind them, "it's fucking terrible."

"Vito's Pizza, this is Amber, how can I help you?" Amber leaned on the counter as she took the order, typing it into a tablet. The restaurant was fairly empty, as usual, save for the pack of regulars inhabiting the tables near the back. Adam sat in a booth near the front talking to Jenna.
"Adam, we got an order." Amber called over to him. He sighed and shoved his Vito's Pizza hat back on his head. "And keep your hat on. Do you remember what happened the last time Dan caught you out of uniform?"
"Yeah," Adam sighed, "and I still think threatening to throw me through a building was over-dramatic."
"When are you going to let me do some deliveries?" Jenna asked.
"When you learn to drive."
"I don't need to drive!" Jenna protested, "I can get the pizza there in 3 seconds!"
"Yes, you deliver a wind-chilled pizza and then come back with a destroyed uniform. This isn't your suit Jenna."
"Besides," Adam added, "your special goggles aren't part of the uniform. If I have to wear a hat, then you can't wear goggles."
"Ugh. Whatever." Jenna sat back in the booth, her arms crossed.
"Shouldn't you be at the hostess station?"
"Oh I'm sorry." Jenna dragged herself out of the booth, "we need to be ready for the late afternoon rush!" She gestured to the deserted lobby of the restaurant.
"Just get up there."
Eric appeared from the kitchen, a flowing blue chef hat on his head.
"Can one of you go tell Dan we're running low on pepperoni? We need a bigger order next time."
"Oh come on!" Adam thrust a finger accusingly at Eric's hat.
"Cut that shit out when you're not in the kitchen Eric."
Eric looked up distractedly and the hat disappeared. 
"Sorry, forgot it was up there."
"Someone's gonna see and blow our cover."
Adam said.
"Honey, there's no one here to see that doesn't already know." Wanda appeared at Adam's side and put a hand on his shoulder.  She pointed back at the tables full of regulars in the back.
"Hell, hardly anyone here at all. Not that I'm complaining." She pulled a small scope out of her apron and began tinkering with it.
Amy was dropping off another plate of Buffalo wings to a table of teenage boys.
"You know Valkyrie," one began.
"Amy. My name is Amy."
"In the comic books you look like you have DDs but in real life you look more like a B Cup."
"You know I could break your spine, right?"
"Yeah but that wouldn't be very heroic." Another chimed in.
"Well I can still refuse to serve you so you nerds would have to find somewhere else to spend your afternoons."
"Sorry." The first boy said, "I was just bringing to light the comic book industries objectification of women at the expense of reality."
"Sure you were..." Amy retreated to the kitchen, where she allowed purple armor to cover her arms, extending out from her back. She threw a punch at the specially reinforced punching bag set up near the entrance to the dining area. The bolts securing it to the ceiling groaned in protest, but held.
A glowing blue tea cup materialized in the air in front of her and Eric poured a steaming cup of tea.
"Rough table?" He asked.
"The nerds are back."
"Ah they’re not so bad. Why don't you get Wanda to cover your table and I'll give you one of my famous 1000 hand massages?"
"Don't you have pizzas to make?"
Eric's smile drooped in an exaggerated pout, before returning to his usual sly grin.
"I could just invent a pizza making robot."
"You remember the last time you built a robot to do your job?"
"That was one time. And I realize it was probably a mistake to give a mail-sorting robot a flamethrower."
"Just finish those pizzas. You can give me that massage after work." She blew a kiss and then returned to the lobby.
Eric sighed and then turned his attention to the counter, where he hastily disassembled a crude robotic brain and took out a lump of pizza dough.

That night the heroes gathered in the backroom for their weekly staff meeting.
"Okay, so we'll be ordering an extra box of pepperoni starting next week. Any more Vito's business?" Dan looked around the small room. The rest of the heroes shook their heads. "Okay then. Does anyone have anything else they'd like to discuss?" He shrugged his muscular shoulders.
"Yeah," Adam spoke up first, "so I'm almost 19 right? Not really a 'lad' anymore. Can I change my name to Adamantium 'Man'?"
"That's up to you Adam. Your name is how you choose to identify yourself as a hero and if you think you're a man now then your name should reflect that."
"Can we change Assclaps name too?" Jenna chimed in, "To like, Doctor Woman or something?"
"It's Asclepius." Amber said, "The Greek god of medicine."
"No one knows what that is! Hell, we could just call you Amber and it would be a better superhero name."
"Now now," Dan intervened, "What Amber chooses to call herself is her choice.”
"It's better than 'Speedfreak'" Amber muttered, "you sound like a drug addict."
"Oh ha ha. As if Dan would even let us take aspirin."
"We don't need aspirin! I have god damn healing powers!"
The room was quiet for a moment as the two women glared at each other. Finally Dan broke the silence.
"Moving on, we've been tipped off that Herbicide and The Grasshopper are going to be raiding the University Botany Lab on Sunday. I'd like Valkyrie and The Mechanic to be there waiting for them."
"What?" Jenna shrieked, "Eric was supposed to take me to get my stupid driver's license on Sunday."
"Our first priority is always the protection of this city."
"Have Longshot cover Valkyrie then!"
"No can do, honey. It's Jamal's piano recital. Time to see what six months of whuppin' his butt away from that Nintendo got me."
"Ugh! Well who's going to take me then? My Grandpa's too sick to leave the house!"
"I can take you Jenna." Adam said, an awkward smile on his face.
"Thanks Adam!" Jenna sneered triumphantly, "see? He's a real friend."
"Yeah... a friend." Adam's smile wavered a little bit.
Suddenly the back wall exploded inwards and a half dozen alien cyborgs faced them down from the alley, all pointing needlessly large alien rifles.
"Fools!" Their leader snarled, an evil smile distorting his reptilian features, "we have found your secret lair at--" suddenly a streak of color disarmed the goons and they were left blinking as Jenna appeared in front of them, standing in front of a pile of their weapons. She blinked away for a moment and Wanda now held one of their guns. A quick salvo disabled all but the lieutenant.
"Oh... um..." the alien cyborg looked around nervously, "now, face uh... the wrath of my lord and master..." he pointed to the building behind him which suddenly crumbled into dust.
"OMEGA 8, GRAND WARLORD OF THE VAXXIS NEBULA!" The newly rebuilt alien cyborg now sported a new bionic eye and an extra pair of limbs, sporting a nozzle that dripped acid and a giant pair of shears.
"Big deal," Jenna taunted, "this will take us an extra 12 seconds or so to dismantle."
But as the dust cleared, seven more shapes came into view, all cackling doppelgangers of the alien cyborg.
"Ok so, that's 7 times... 12... Uh."
"Fools!" The warlords shouted in unison, “not even your powers are a match for the might of Omega 8!"
"Mechanic!" Colonel Crimson shouted, "Analyze them for weak points. Valkyrie, Adamantium Lad, try and keep as many of them busy as you can, Longshot, prioritize weapon systems, Speedfreak draw their fire away from any civilians!"
The heroes leapt into action. A blue, goggle like computer materialized over Mechanic's head. Longshot tossed aside the alien weapon and leapt under the table to retrieve one of her own rifles. Valkyrie and Adamantium Lad became encased in purple and silver respectively and charged at the warlords. Colonel Crimson tore off his polo shirt to reveal his costume underneath and launched a flying tackle at the closest cyborg. Jenna took off, returned a moment later in her costume and goggles, and then began circling the warlords as they fired at her. Two of the cyborgs noticed and sprayed the ground with a black substance.
Suddenly Speedfreak slowed down, and then stopped as her feet became stuck in the black substance.
"Muhahaha!" The cyborgs cackled, "not so speedy now, eh?"
Adamantium Lad jumped in front of her just as they fired upon her with a bewildering array of weapons.
"Asclepius!" Colonel Crimson shouted, just as Amber reappeared in her costume, "Get Speedfreak unstuck!" One of the Omegas took advantage of the Colonel's distraction and grabbed him in its robotic hands. The Colonel writhed in agony as the veins visible in his neck began turning black.
"We'll see how strong you are with mercury in your veins!" The warlord laughed. Colonel Crimson fell to his knees, shuddering as the poison coursed through his veins. Asclepius turned to him.
"I'll be fine!" He shouted preemptively, "focus on Speedfreak." Even as he spoke his skin around his veins began turning a silvery grey color.
"Do we have an analysis? " Valkyrie shouted, as she cleaved off a writhing metal tentacle with a glowing orange sword.
"Almost," Mechanic replied, throwing up a blue shield to deflect a volley of missiles. "I need a little more data..." He was so focused he didn't notice as Omega's lieutenant slid up through the rubble behind him.
"Eric! Behind you!" Valkyrie shouted.
Thanks to her warning, Mechanic sidestepped, so the alien blade didn't pierce his heart, nevertheless he slumped to the ground in agony. Valkyrie turned to run to him.
"Oh no you don't!" The Omega she had been fighting shot a metallic tentacle from its chest that attached to the armor symbiote on her back. A pulse of energy exploded down the length of the tentacle and Valkyrie was frozen in place as her armor lost its glow and froze up.
"Ha ha!" Omega 8 laughed, "It took my scientists a while but we finally figured out how the Kessel Centurions who wore your armor were finally defeated!"
Longshot smashed the alien lieutenant in the back of the head with her rifle and then applied pressure to Mechanic's wound.
"We need Asclepius!" She shouted.
Luckily, Asclepius had just finished removing Speedfreak's feet.
"I'll cover you," Adamantium Lad said, lasers pounding his diamond hard skin.
"You're not fast enough, Mechanic needs help now." Jenna said, her tone serious for once. "Get on my back."
Without a word, Asclepius climbed onto the speedster's back and in a flash she dizzily climbed off and knelt down next to Mechanic, who was still managing to maintain a shield, though it was starting to flicker.
"Ok, we'll get you fixed up in no time." Asclepius said as she laid her hands on his bloody side.
"Speedfreak..." Mechanic mumbled, "there's a neural transmitter...  linking the cyborgs. If you remove them all fast enough it'll short them out."
"Ok, what does it look like?" Speedfreak asked quickly, glancing nervously at his side, "it's an egg shaped silver thing with blinking lights on the back of the heads."
"Ok." Speedfreak stood up.
"Wait!" Mechanic pointed at her feet. A moment later glowing blue crampons appeared on her feet.
"Thanks Eric."
"Save Valkyrie..." his eyes blinked close and the shield and crampons flickered but they stayed.
"He'll be fine," Asclepius said, as blood absorbed into his side, "he's just being dramatic. GO!"
As Speedfreak sped off a sly smile appeared on Mechanic's face.
In the blink of an eye Speedfreak was back with both hands full of silver devices.
The cyborgs were wreathed in electricity before they froze up. Valkyrie's suit regained its glow and she ripped the tentacle off her back and then pulled on it, bringing the disabled warlord forward onto the glowing orange blade of her energy sword.
"No!" The lead cyborg wailed, "Not again!"
A sleek alien transport appeared in the sky above them, its cloaking device rippling the image as it deactivated.
Colonel Crimson pulled himself to his feet and ripped apart the closest cyborg. "This better be the last time we kick you off of Earth Omega!" Already, the color was returning to his face.
"You'll never defeat me!" Another Omega shouted, just as the flamethrower replacing his left arm exploded as Longshot penetrated the fuel tank.
A wave of cyborg grunts descended from the transport as it flew in low to the ground, most providing cover as their fellows dragged the remaining warlords onto the ship.
Their master secure they retreated back to the transport and took off into the sky, pursued by a squadron of Earth Defense Force fighter jets.
The heroes gathered around Colonel Crimson, who was still shaky. Valkyrie retracted her armor and grabbed Mechanic in a bear hug, kissing him deeply.
Amber sighed as Eric winced in pain. "You better not have re-broken his ribs."
"He got away again." Jenna pouted.
"I wonder what Omega 9's gonna look like." Adam's metallic shell disappeared as he joined the group.
"Trust me; it's going to be a while." Dan said, as Amber checked him over, "There were still five of him left. Knowing that egomaniac, there is going to be quite the discussion over who is the 'real' Omega."
"He did not think that through." Wanda shook her head.
"Let's hope the civil war lasts a long time." Eric smiled as he put his arm around Amy.
"Who knows," she said, "maybe he'll leave us alone for good this time."
"Well hopefully we'll have this place rebuilt by then." Dan gestured to the ruined back wall.
"Three day weekend!" Eric shouted.
"Amber can you call the usual contractors?"
"I'm on it Dan." Amber sighed.
Soon it was just Jenna and Adam left outside.
"You saved my life back there." Jenna said, her voice sincere.
"Oh! Uh..." Adam nervously scratched his head, "just doing my job."
"I know." Jenna stared at the ground, "you kind of save my life on a regular basis now that I think about it."
"You’re my teammate. And my friend."
"Well thanks. I don't say it a lot but it's nice to have you guys. It's just me and my Grandpa at home so you guys are like my family. "
"Oh... uh yeah. You're welcome!"
They were silent for a moment. Then the cocky tone returned to Jenna's voice.
"And don't forget to take me to get my license."
"Yeah no problem!"
"And maybe once I can drive I can take you to dinner to show my appreciation… Adamantium Man."
She blinked away and a smear of her pink lipstick appeared on Adam's cheek.
He smiled as he walked back inside the pizza parlor.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Triumphant Return of Dr. Thunder

So hey reader(s), I have decided to start updating this blog more often. Because apparently years of intense apathy toward my written works have communicated the message that clearly my work is in hot demand. Speaking of which, if you didn't know, I have recently finished my first full length novel, It will be the third book I have written and the first without the intervention of


Oh. Hi Dr. Thunder. I thought you started a cult.

Oh I did. It was pretty fantastic, let me tell you. We were all set up in a nice little compound in the Peruvian Alps, away from the laws of man and god, creating a more perfect human being through a combination of untested genetic engineering and forcing kidnapped athletes to have sex with scientists. Then we videotaped that, sold the tapes, and used that money to fund a giant machine that harvests male and female zygotes and combines them in vast artificial wombs. Sadly, the Peruvian authorities while our army of perfect men was still in it's infancy. Rather than a legion of super-smart, physically perfect ubermen it was basically just a giant vat of gooey, incredibly attractive toddlers. They barely managed to kill anyone. Luckily, I escaped by sacrificing my followers in a fiery tempest that lit up the night sky like a midnight sun.

You know, the Alps are in Switzerland. You're thinking of the Andes.

Nah dog. There were Alpacas. ALPacas. Liek from the ALps.Not Andpacas. That would be dumb. Like you.

The sad part is that does kind of make sense in a weird way.

Of course it does. I'm Dr. Thunder. Everything I say or do becomes correct by virtue of me doing it. Speaking of which, I got married again, then divorced, then married, then divorced. I finally hit the big 120. I'm pretty proud of my sexual accomplishments. How about you big guy? You still hideously unlovable? Or did you finally pop the question to that big tub of vaseline. I volunteer to be the best man. I already have a speech prepared. You would be surprised at how many words and phrases the Peruvians have for "Gigantic torso" and "long, ape-like arms"

I've been busy. Writing a book. And I also graduated from college.

Right. Because that's so hard. Writing a book. And also graduating from college. I did that shit like nine times. But hey, at least you have a worthless degree in a field with no job openings from Cal State Whogivesashit right? I bet that'll look nice and shiny on your wall, next to all your My Little Pony posters.

Look, did you have a point? Or are you just here to harass me.

Let me think... no. Just the harassing you thing. Also I stole your car and filled it with jungle diseases. Oh and if you insist on writing, then I too must return to the game, to spread my wisdom down on all the... all the... children... of... the world. Yeah. Awesome. 

Fantastic. Well in summary, I am going to be updating this blog more, with short stories, and movie reviews and stuff about things, and I guess Dr. Thunder will be continuing his Ask Dr. Thunder thing.

Don't forget to email me at! I won't read them, but it's nice to feel like your accomplishing stuff right?

Friday, December 27, 2013

Amber’s Car 2: Blood on the Nile

 So while Dr.Thunder is busy in South America with his weird cult-thingy, he has been unable to update Ask Dr. Thunder. So in the meantime, here is my latest short story:

"Hey Mike, do you think you could give me a ride home from work later?"
"Perhaps. Why do you need a ride?"
"Oh my car got stolen again."
"Where are you parking your car that it gets stolen this often? The slums of Buenos Aires? Nevermind, I'll assemble the men."
"No need, the cops actually already--"

0900 - Death Valley, California
The Chief hurried through the dank corridors of the S.S. Clusterfuck, a 300 meter land-based aircraft carrier churning through the desert sands on four massive treads.
At his side, Goggle, his lead communications expert strode in his shadow, flicking through a series of files on a tablet in his hands.
"So we can confirm that Amber's Car has been taken again?"
"Yes sir. That's the report we received from command as of 0730 this morning."
"My god man," The Chief pulled off the sunglasses he had inexplicably been wearing indoors. "This is big. That's like some sort of... like when multiple things fit together... like..."
"Pattern, sir?"
"You're damn right Goggle. It's some sort of pattern. And we're going to get to the bottom of it."
"We'll need a new team. Most of the men who survived the first recovery mission are either dead or retired."
"It's been a four crazy months. Don't worry Goggle, I have just the loose cannon badasses for the job!"
They stepped out onto the deck of the carrier into the baking sun where eleven human shaped mounds of angry muscle saluted sharply. The Chief returned the salute and then turned to his comm expert.
"Goggle, meet the new team!"
Brick "Meat" Torres- Heavy Weapons
Magnus "Magnus" Magnusson- Heavy Weapons
Warren "Skullcrusher" Skullcrushkowitz- Close Quarters Combat
Dirk "Chilean Thunder" Hardcastle- Heavy Weapons
Max "Blazerbeam" Steele - Recon
Rolf "Blitzkrieg" Schmetterling- Vehicles
Jack "Todd" Jackson- Heavy Weapons
Chet "Wolfman" Powers- Explosives
Ricky "Salvo" Starr- Sniper
Brock "Doc" Rockman- Medic
Rock "Socks" Brockman- Demolitions

He finished the introductions and turned back to the men.
"Alright boys. We've got a mission. For many of you this will be your first mission with the company. Consider this your trial by fire! Some of you may not survive. A couple of you may be killed, resurrected, and then killed again. But one thing is certain: we will get this young lady's car back!"
The men cheered wildly, pumping meaty fists and firing into the air. Meat slung the grenade launcher from his back and fired a single shot into the air as he whooped loudly.
Moments later it came back down on top of him, blowing him into meaty chunks that scattered across the deck of the carrier.
"A bit overzealous there." The Chief nodded grimly, "but I admire the enthusiasm!"
The rest of the team piled into a massive AC-260 gunship that was far more "gun" than "ship", with six Vulcan Gatling cannons and two howitzers on each side, and took off into the arid sky.
Meanwhile, Goggle retreated back to the command room, where he devoted all 16 monitors to playing Starcraft 2.
"Alright Goggle" The Chief said over the comm, “What can you tell us about this latest theft?"
"Well sir, pretty much the same as the first time around. A brown Honda stolen in Santa Ana. There were some old books in the car this time. Mostly sentimental value."
"Exponential value? You're telling me these books are getting more valuable by the second?"
"That is the opposite of what I am telling you."
The Chief disconnected the radio and turned to the men in the back of the plane.
"Alright boys, looks like there were some exponentially valuable books in that car. We may be dealing with some sort of rare book heist disguised as a car theft!"
The men gasped in surprise at the notion of someone trying to acquire more books.
"This is good though!" The Chief continued, "We just have to figure out where they'll strike next. Where are there a lot of books?"
"The Internet!"
"A Turkish prison!"
"Gone with the Wind!"
The men shouted.
"That's right. A library!" He turned to face the cockpit, "Blitzkrieg, take us to the nearest library to the car theft" He turned back around, "Magnus, Wolfman, I want incendiary rounds in those Vulcans ASAP. Socks, I need 'Ride of the Valkyries' queued up on the sound system. We're going to flush the bastards out."

1100- Santa Ana Public Library, California
Ernest Lehman sat in his school bus out in front of the library and took a bite of his sandwich. It was tuna salad, his favorite. He glanced at his watch and saw with approval that he had started his lunch precisely at 11 am, as he did every day. The kids of Mrs. Preston's third grade class wouldn't be ready for another hour but he knew he would be finished with his lunch by 1130, no later. It was these simple little things that kept the 62 year old bus driver going, a routine, reliability. 
As he finished his sandwich and removed a pudding cup from his old tin lunch box he gradually became aware of a droning sound. It gradually grew louder as he looked back into the empty bus for the source of the noise. It seemed almost familiar, like he had heard it before. He gasped as he suddenly caught sight of the source of the noise: the biggest plane Ernest had ever seen, and it was heading straight for him.
He started having flashbacks to Vietnam and the terrifying things he had seen planes like that do. The sheer destructive power of an AC-130 with air superiority.
As he put the bus unto gear he decided he never really liked third graders much anyway.

"We are approaching the target sir!" Blitzkrieg called from the cockpit, "circling now"
"Get on those guns men!" The Chief shouted as the men hurried to comply. Todd, who did not have a gun to fire, stood by to reload.
The Chief pressed play on the gunships sound system and the opening notes of 'Ride of the Valkyries' blared from the onboard speakers, competing with the drone of the plane's eight engines.
"Open Fire!" The Chief screamed.
The public library below exploded as thousands of rounds of incendiary ammunition and howitzer shells slammed into it. In less than a minute it had been flattened into a burning crater.
"Target neutralized" Chilean Thunder called from one of the howitzers.
"We've got Army jets inbound sir." Blitzkrieg called out as the firing ceased.
"Get us back to the Clusterfuck Blitzkrieg." The Chief said. He smiled proudly at the scorched earth where the library once stood.
"One down..." He muttered to himself quietly.

1230- Death Valley
The Chief stood in the briefing room of the S.S. Clusterfuck his men enjoying celebratory tequila shots all around him. Finally Goggle entered the room, closing the tower defense game he was playing on his tablet and saluting.
"We did it, Goggle. We razed that bitch to the ground! But if we're going to be sure we got the bastards we're going to need to hit the rest of them."
"The rest of what?" Goggle asked.
"Libraries. How many more are there?"
"Like, in southern California?"
"Like everywhere. We need to be thorough."
"I don't know, thousands... maybe millions."
"Damn! We don't have time for that!" The Chief slammed his fist down in frustration. "We need  to catch this book thief and recover Amber's car!"
"Wait, did you say book thief?" Blazerbeam said, "I think I saw something about that on the news."
"That was a trailer for the movie The Book Thief." Goggle said.
"Hey yeah!" Wolfman said, "I saw that too! I think it had Chloe Grace - Moretz and Emma Watson in it."
"We'll need to bring them in alive." The Chief said, "Blitzkrieg, take Doc, Socks, and Skullcrusher to England in the gunship. The rest of you are coming with me after this Chloe Grace-Moretz character. "

1430- Beverly Hills, California
"I'm telling you babe, this role is perfect for you!"
Abigail Breslin's agent continued to pester her as she ate her salad. They were joined at the table by her manager, bodyguard, and publicist. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten alone.
"I just don't think I'd make a good Captain Ahab." The starlet replied, "And I also really don't want to."
"Come on!" Her agent persisted, "we already have Frankie Muniz as Ismael, and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson as Moby Dick. It's going to be a blockbuster!"
Before Abigail could respond, her agent exploded from the waist up.

"Target is clear, move in." Salvo radioed as he loaded another round into his "Wrecking Ball" anti-building rifle. When you need to assassinate a skyscraper, you use a "Wrecking Ball".
The street in front of the restaurant patio where Abigail Breslin's was now screaming incoherently cracked and burst as a land submarine surfaced. The Chief, Magnus, Blazerbeam, and Todd burst from the hatch, guns blazing.
Blazerbeam shoved one of his two double barreled Desert Eagles into the bodyguards mouth and pulled the trigger while Magnus sawed the manager in half with the chainsaw bayonet attached to his rocket launcher. The publicist made a run for it, only to be bathed in napalm by Todd’s flamethrower.
"Hello Miss Grace Moretz," The Chief said as he approached the blood soaked starlet,  "we have some questions about the book thief."
"W-what?" Breslin's stuttered. She took a moment to compose herself, "Ok, first of all, I'm not Chloe Grace Moretz, I'm Abigail Breslin. Second, Chloe Grace Moretz isn't in the Book Thief,  you're thinking of  Sophie Nelisse. Third, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
"Sophie Nelisse? Who the hell is that?" The Chief looked over at Blazerbeam, who merely shrugged.
"I loved you in Hunger Games." Todd said.
"I wasn't in Hunger Games either! That was Jennifer Lawrence." Abigail said, as she began picking skull fragments from her hair.
"The guy from Black Knight?"
"No that's Martin Lawrence." Magnus corrected him.
"The founder of Protestantism?"
"No that's Martin Luther." Abigail said. Before Todd could ask another question a shot rang out and the tank of napalm strapped to his back burst, coating him in flames.
"Hostiles!" The Chief shouted as Abigail Breslin's head exploded, along with the front of the restaurant behind her. "Not her you idiot!" The Chief looked up at the rooftop where Salvo was perched and angrily pointed in the direction of two squad cars from the Beverly Hills police department with four officers crouched behind them. A SWAT truck was moving into position behind them.
Another shot from the "Wrecking Ball" tore into the side of the truck, pulverizing half the team inside it.
"Tactical retreat!" The Chief called out as Magnus took out one of the squad cars with a rocket, "back to the sub!"
Salvo took out the remaining squad car but he saw more flashing lights in the distance. He made sure the submarine submerged successfully, before setting up a laser targeter aimed at the ruins of the cafe where they had found Abigail Breslin and grabbed the jetpack he had stowed on the roof. As he took off into the afternoon air an orbital strike demolished the cafe and everything in a 10 block radius.

1600- Somewhere below Los Angeles, California
The Chief grimaced as he sat at the helm of the land submarine. Below him, Blazerbeam, Magnus, Chilean Thunder and Wolfman worked the controls, zeroing in on Salvo's beacon.
"So..." Wolfman broke the tense silence, "do we go after the real Chloe Grace Moretz then?"
"No no..." The Chief waved him off, "I have a feeling she would be just as useless. I'm starting to think this rare book heist was really just a cover for a car theft." He contemplated this for a moment before picking up the radio.
"Yeah Chief?" Goggle said, pausing StarCraft 2.
"What kind of engine did that stolen car have?"
"Engine? Just a regular internal combustion engine as far as I know..."
"Internal combustion..."
"Wait Chief!" Wolfman interjected, "I learned in Explosives school that combustion is a fancy word for explosion!"
"My god man!" The Chief put on a pair of sunglasses, "an engine that runs on explosions! That's it!"
"Um Chief..." Goggle said over the radio, "most engine use internal combustion."
"Yes, but if they can somehow reverse engineer the internal combustion engine, into an external combustion engine, they could have... Some kind of... explosions... thing! Wolfman, how many kilotons of explosives can an engine like that produce?"
"Well if I had to guess, I'd estimate it at 10 million."
"Jesus Truckasaurus Christ..." The Chief slowly removed his sunglasses. "But who has the motive to make a bomb like that? We already won the war on terror, Bin Laden's dead!"
"Somali pirates?" Chilean Thunder suggested.
"Of course! To Somalia!"

1940- London, England
The AC-260 flew low over the streets of London, occasionally skidding over the rooftops of taller buildings. Finally, their target was in sight: Buckingham Palace.
A few of the palace guards broke their traditional stillness as they looked up in alarm, some even taking shots with their rifles.
As it approached it suddenly began to tilt upward. The cockpit rotated downward and the guns lining its side migrated to the bottom of the plane. The massive wings split and moved along the plane, shaping themselves into arms and legs. Finally it touched down on the lawn of Buckingham palace, an 80 foot tall robot with a chest full of guns aimed at the Queen's front door.
"Bring us Emma Watson!" The PA system boomed, "Or we shall destroy this place and all who reside within."
Their initial demands were met with a missile strike from several fighter jets. The AC-260 fired, blowing the front of the palace apart in a hurricane of hot lead.
A second strike from the jets found its target, blowing the cockpit, with Blitzkrieg inside, to pieces and sending the bipedal plane crashing to the ground.
Doc, Socks, and Skullcrusher bailed out. Of the vehicle's torso and charged the palace, firing wildly at the scattered survivors.
"Find the Queen!" Doc shouted, "Don't worry about the guards, they'll die if they sting you."
"That's bees." Socks shouted, tossing a grenade.
"Same thing."
The three mercenaries ascended a ramp of rubble up to the second floor where they began sweeping the rooms. Finally they located Queen Elizabeth II cowering behind a massive gilded desk. Skullcrusher grabbed her and gripped her head in in his massive hands.
"Tell us where Emma Watson is!" He shouted.
"I don't know!" The monarch shrieked.
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Doc screamed in her face.
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" She replied.
In the heat of the moment Skullcrusher accidentally crushed her head.
"Damn. We murdered the Queen." Doc muttered.
"Oh hey," Socks said, as he rifled through the things on the desk, "The Queen has Emma Watson's address in her rolodex."
"No. She had Emma Watson's address in her rolodex."

2100- Johannesburg, South Africa
The Chief sat at the controls of the Super-Goliath a 300 foot tall crab like robot with an 80 foot rail gun capable of wiping out whole fleets with a single shot.  It was the second largest vehicle in the fleet. The largest vehicle in the fleet strode through at its side, the Ultra-Goliath a 400 foot tall samurai mech with a 230 foot diamond edged sword and a shoulder mounted 12.1 gigawatt laser.
The two mechs marched into downtown Johannesburg leaving a swath of destruction miles wide as they destroyed everything in their path.
"Keep on it men." The Chief said over the radio, "if we cause enough destruction here, we'll draw the pirates out."
On the ground, Blazerbeam, Magnus, Wolfman and Chilean Thunder moved through the streets, finishing off anyone that The Chief and Salvo, in the *Ultra-Goliath* missed.
"Uh sir," Goggles voice chirped over the radio, "What are you doing?"
"Drawing out the Somalian Pirates, Goggle. We went over this."
Goggle decided not to mention that his base was being overrun with Zerg during the briefing and he had not been paying attention.
"You do know you're in South Africa right?"
"Yes. And Somalia is in Africa."
"South Africa is a country. It's pretty much on the other side of the continent from Somalia."
"Damn it Goggle," The Chief slammed his fist down on the control panel, "I know what I'm doing!"
The Super-Goliath's rail gun misfired, hitting the Ultra-Goliath in the stomach and disintegrating its lower torso. The mecha-samurai lurched and then fell backward, destroying countless homes and businesses and accidentally crushing Chilean Thunder and Wolfman.
The 80 pounds of explosives Wolfman was carrying on his body detonated, blasting a hole into one of the Ultra-Goliath's nuclear reactors.
"Whoops." The Chief said as the reactor suffered a catastrophic meltdown and began burning a radioactive crater into the ground.
The wave of radiation that followed hit Magnus and Blazerbeam who, due to the cocktail of illegal steroids and genetic enhancements necessary to remain their massive physique,  mutated into horrific monsters.
"Yeah that's my bad right there." The Chief slowly backed his mech out of the city as Magnus and Blazerbeam, now roughly 30 feet tall began their respective unstoppable rampages.

0130- The English Channel
Skullcrusher roughly pushed Emma Watson into the room and handcuffed her to the metal chair at its center. Doc tore off the black hood covering her head and ripped out the duct tape.
"Hello Miss Watson." He said, a wicked smile crossing his muscular face, "we have some questions about the book thief."
"Yeah!" Socks added from the corner of the room, "and don't try any of your magic. This room is made entirely out of C4 and if I hear the first syllable of a spell, we're all going up."
"Are you retarded?" She asked.
"We will ask the questions here!" Skullcrusher shouted, "Tell us about the book thief!"
"What the movie? The movie I'm not even in? You're probably thinking of Emily Watson you twit."
"Isn't Emma short for Emily?"
"Emma isn't short for anything!"
"Ah." Skullcrusher looked at Doc and shrugged.
"Where are we right now anyway?"
"We're on an underwater helicopter in the English Channel."
"There's no such thing."
Skullcrusher resisted the urge to crush her skull in and instead went to the corner to sulk.
"Alright Miss Watson." Doc said, "Where’s Amber's Car?"
"Who the bloody hell is Amber?"
"The person who's car you stole! Because of books!"
"Because of books? Is that... some sort of Harry Potter thing? Is that what this is about?"
"She's casting a spell!" Socks shouted. Doc and Skullcrusher grabbed his arms to prevent him from depressing the detonator button.
"You're all a bunch of loonies."
"Yeah well at least we aren't car stealing witches." Socks retorted.
Emma rolled her eyes.
"Ok fine. You caught me. The car's parked under the whomping willow at Hogwarts. Wankers. Now will you let me go?"
"I knew it!" Socks shouted, almost pressing the detonator again.
"I'll radio The Chief." Doc said as he snatched the detonator from Socks hand and ushered him out of the room. Skullcrusher followed them, but turned back to Emma just before he left
"I loved you in Hunger Games."

"Oh man, did you see the photos they released of Frankie Muniz as Ismael from the new Moby Dick? That shit is going to be cray."
"What the hell Mike, I thought you were going to give me a ride home last night!"
"I was too busy solving crimes! Your car was stolen by Emma Watson. She'll be rotting in Volcano Prison for the rest of her sexy, sexy life."
"What the hell is Volcano Prison?"
"It's like regular prison, except inside an active volcano and not like regular prison at all because they throw you into a volcano."
"You are so weird..."