Kangaroo Jack

Kangaroo Jack
Leonardo “Jack” DiCaprio stood on the bow of the HMS Gigantic, gazing out over the ocean and thinking of the endless possibilities that awaited him in Australia. A tap on his shoulder took him away from his thoughts and he turned to see his old friend from New York, Daniel “The Butcher” Day Lewis.
“Are you ready Jack?” The Butcher said in his archaic New York accent as he placed a hand on his young friend’s shoulder, “Once this tournament is over, neither one of us will ever have to fight again!”
Jack nodded, took the invitation from the pocket of his coat, and re-read it for the thousandth time. It still almost felt like he was dreaming sometimes. To think that they, a couple of amateur duelists/knife fighters, had been invited to Kangaroo Jack’s legendary Yu-Gi-Oh and Mixed Martial Arts tournament to the death, it was almost too good to be true.
Behind them the other invitees milled about on the deck, perfecting their fighting techniques, trading cards, all just as eager as Jack and The Butcher. The ship would pull into Sydney Harbor by tomorrow morning and then two days later the tournament would begin. Any apprehension about the many battles and card games to come was drowned out by a yearning for the steady footing of dry land after the three week voyage.
“Do you really think we have a shot at winning Butcher?”
“Of course lad! I’ve seen no man that can beat your deck! And my mastery of the Turkish Kilij is famed throughout New York!” The Butcher drew his sword to emphasize his point and thrust it into the damp wood of the deck.
“Well if you say so…” Jack looked uneasily back at the competitors arrayed throughout the deck, “some of these guys look pretty tough.”
“Ah lad! It doesn’t matter how tough the competition is, as long as you are tougher!”
“That seems like really cheesy and generic advice to give.”
“Well, I’m pretty drunk right now.”
Suddenly the two friends’ conversation was cut short as the boat shuddered with a violent impact.
“Shark Attack!” A crewman shouted as the ship was once again shaken by another hit.
“Impossible!” The Captain said as he rushed to the side, “This is a god damn cruise ship! It would have to be either 10,000 sharks working together as one or some sort of… Mega Shark!”
“It’s 10,000 sharks working as one!” Another crewman shouted as Jack looked into the water at a writhing carpet of shark fins charged the ship for another strike.
“Quickly Jack!” The Butcher shouted, “We have to get below! It’s our only hope!” Waving his sword in front of him The Butcher struck a path for the nearest door as the ship began lurching to the side.
“Also Impossible!” The Captain shouted again, as he began organizing crewmen to repel the shark army, “this ship is unsinkable! The sharks cannot penetrate our 11 hulls!”
“The sharks have plastic explosives!” Yet another crewman shouted as a bright explosion lit up the starboard side of the vessel.
Jack followed The Butcher down into the depths of the ship. Everywhere crewmen and competitors alike armed themselves for the coming shark onslaught. The two friends hurried to the elevator and rode it down to steerage where their own meager quarters lay. Another explosion caused the lift to stop dead. The Butcher quickly pulled open the doors and they took the stairs the rest of the way.
The lower decks had begun filling with water, which was filled with sharks. A group of crewmen escaping from the engine room were torn to shreds as they tried to reach the staircase where Jack and The Butcher watched in horror.
“Damn! We’ll have to find another way!” Jack said as he backed away from the rising water.
“There’s no time lad!” The Butcher replied as he bisected the head of a shark that leapt for him, “We have to get to the cabin before the water level reaches the shelf where your deck is!” He cut another shark in half with his Kilij and drew a long dagger. He then dove into the water, cutting apart the sharks in his path.
Jack reluctantly followed, staying close behind his friend and mentor as the swordsman cut a bloody swathe through the legion of sharks. Finally they reached their room. A Hammerhead lay in wait for them in the room and The Butcher stabbed it right between the eyes as Jack closed the door and locked it. Luckily his cards were still dry and he shoved them into a waterproof sack, and then packed the rest of his few possessions into a backpack. The Butcher had a pack of his own but wore his extensive blade collection strapped to his body for convenience. He threw Jack a Shamsir and opened the door, letting in a great white shark that closed its jaws around his leg. The butcher grunted and parted the creatures head from its body.
The water in the hall was now up to their stomachs as they made their way back to the staircase past a series of dismembered floating corpses. They climbed the stairs up to the main ballroom, where First Mate Denzel Washington was addressing a frightened crowd of crewmen and duelists.
“Everyone needs to stay calm,” Denzel said, standing in front of the grand staircase that led to the lower compartments, “Now you’ve seen how bad things can get,” he said, gesturing to the rapidly rising shark filled water behind him, “And how quickly they can get that way. And things are going to get a whole lot worse. So were not going to fight anymore! Were going to pull together, and were going to find a way to get out of here! First, we’re going to seal off this…” his words were cut short as a shark, twice the size of the rest leapt out of the water filling the staircase and bit him in half. As chunks of Denzel rained across the stunned crowd the shark stopped and looked at them.
“This ship is mine now.” The shark said in a thick Austrian accent, “If you want to live then you will ged out of here. You humans think you are so smaht. With your giant boats. On this day it we have shown zat we shahks are the true rulers of the sea!”
The shark roared and the panicked crowd fled to the main deck where the Captain was supervising the loading of lifeboats.
A ring of crewmen with submachine guns kept the sharks at bay with sporadic fire but for every one they killed another two took its place. Jack and The Butcher made it to the last of the lifeboats just as the last of the crewmen was dragged down into the water. As they rowed themselves away the burning wreckage of the HMS Gigantic sank below the waves.
“There goes the finest ship to ever sail.” The Captain said sadly.
“Hey aren’t you supposed to go down with the ship?” Jack asked.
“Fuck no. There were fucking sharks. That rule only applies if there aren’t thousands of giant kill-fishes in the water.”

Days later the survivors of the wreck, having been picked up by a passing whaling boat, made their way to Australia. By now there wasn’t much time before the tournament began and so the competitors quickly made their way to Kangaroo Jack’s top secret tournament location as quickly as they could. Jack and The Butcher hitched a ride on a passing kill-dozer owned by a local poacher.
“So where ya from mates?” The poacher said while his giant monitor lizard sat on the back of his seat and hissed.
“New York,” Jack said, his eyes locked on the freakishly huge lizard, “Were here for Kangaroo Jack’s Yu-Gi-Oh and Martial Arts tournament.”
“Ah the tournament!” The poacher said, scratching his head beneath his hat made from an endangered animal, “I had a friend who competed in the tournament one year. They sent back what they could find of him in a shoebox.”
“Didn’t fare so well then?” The Butcher asked as he waved a dagger at the reptile threateningly.
“Actually his car collided with a gas tanker on the way to the tournament. Horrible explosion. Dozens killed.”
“Ah, I see.” The Butcher said, nodding.
“Well, if I recall correctly, the tournament starts tomorrow morning, so if you’d like you mates can take a nap in one of the cages I got in the back. Just ignore the large soulful eyes of the animals.”

The next morning Jack and The Butcher arrived at Kangaroo Jack’s compound in the middle of the Outback. Dozens of competitors from around the world were gathered to show off their fighting and children’s card game playing skills. The warriors filed into the coliseum at the compounds center and were greeted by Kangaroo Jack himself. He was a massive kangaroo who wore a bright red hooded sweatshirt and carried a cane. Atop his head sat a silk top hat. Also he kind of looked like Renee Zellwegger.
“Welcome my friends, to this tournament of champions!” Kangaroo Jack said, a statement greeted by thunderous cheers from those assembled before him, “This shall be the ultimate test of your skills in the art of fighting and the art of playing a children’s card game!” His every sentence was punctuated wit ha gout of flame from the walls of the coliseum, most likely for dramatic effect. “The first round of the tournament shall begin this afternoon, but for now, please enjoy these tigers!”
14 Bengal Tigers were released into the coliseum, creating a panic amongst the competitors. By the time they were all slain, several warriors were dead and almost everyone was wounded.
Jack and The Butcher left the coliseum and headed for the motel where they would be staying. As Jack opened the door they both heard a strange crying coming from inside. The Butcher drew his sword and slowly stalked into the room. On their bed was a baby, wrapped in the remains of an American flag. A note was lying on the bedside table and Jack picked it up and read it.

Dear Jack,
This is your niece, Roxana. I have decided to send it to Australia to be raised by you due to my pathological hatred of infants. I am sorry to put this burden on you, but I can’t afford to raise a child, especially with my crippling addiction to plastic surgery.
Your Sister, Jill

Jack looked at the note, and then at the baby, and then back at the note.
“Well what is ti lad? Some sort of psych out trick by one of our competitors?” The Butcher asked as he suspiciously picked up the child.
“No, this is my niece. Apparently I am supposed to raise her now.”
“Huh. That’s right; Your sister hates infants and is addicted to the knife. What about the father?”
“My sister regularly has sex with strangers to pay for cosmetic enhancements. There’s no real way of knowing who the father is.”
“Well, there’s no sense in worrying about it, or about how this baby got here to the middle of the outback and just happened to be placed in the correct motel room. Get your cards out we have to practice!”
“I looked at the schedule and my first match is this afternoon. I will be using my insect deck against a Brazilian Jujitsu master.”
“I suggest you load it up with trap cards.”

Hours later Jack defeated the Brazilian with a devastating Red Eyes Black Dragon combo, and then executed him with a handgun. Up next was The Butcher’s far more interesting match. His opponent was a swordsman from Scotland who wielded a Katana. The two master swordsmen squared off in the center of the Coliseum, gazing into each other’s eyes like star crossed lovers who were about to dismember each other with cold steel. The staring contest seemed to drag on forever until finally both men moved at once, drawing their swords and charging one another. In a flash it was over. A trickle of blood dripped from the butcher’s shoulder and fell onto the Scotsman’s intestines that had become wrapped around his leg. As Kangaroo Jack’s men dragged off the steaming pile of offal that was his opponent The Butcher joined Jack and together they walked back to the motel.
“Today went well.” Jack said happily, as he shuffled his deck.
“Indeed lad. If the rest of the tournament goes like this the prize money will be ours.” The Butcher said, as he removed several of his opponent’s teeth from his hair.
“Wait, there’s prize money? How come we haven’t mentioned it before?”
“Oh I’m sure we have, in one of our many less interesting conversations. Just to refresh your memory, we are competing for 5 million dollars cash.”
“Ah! That makes sense, and gives our characters further motivation.”
“Indeed.”
Jack suddenly spotted a bright orange glow in the distance.
“Hey Butcher what’s that orange glow?”
“My god man, the puppy factory! It’s a flame!” The Butcher shouted, as he began running toward the light. Jack quickly followed, silently questioning why Kangaroo Jack’s compound contained a puppy factory.
They arrived to find the entire factory ablaze. Kangaroo Jack’s lackeys as well as several of the competitors scurried back and forth desperately combating the flames. The panicked yelping of adorable puppies could be heard above the frantic shouts and the crackle of the blaze.
“We’ve got to save those puppies before the fire sets off the puppy oil!” The Butcher said, throwing off his jacket and running toward the front door.
“Butcher!” Jack called after him, “Be careful!”
The Butcher braved the inferno and smashed down the front door. A minute later a herd of adorable, soot covered puppies burst out of the door, followed by the master swordsman himself, carrying a half dozen of the smaller, weaker puppies in his arms. As he stepped out the door, the volatile puppy oil in the factory ignited and the building exploded. As the dust cleared Jack ran over to his friend who was pinned under an exploded conveyor belt.
“Butcher!” Jack cried as he bent down to look his mentor in the eyes.
“I… I saved… the puppies…” The Butcher coughed.
“I know you did Butcher. You’re a hero.”
“My sword Jack… I want you to have it…”
“Which one? You have like ten.”
“The Kilij… you know… the one I use all the time… retard…”
“I will swing it proudly old friend.”
“Use it to win Jack!” The Butcher croaked, as blood dribbled out of his mouth, “use it to win…” slowly The Butcher’s eyes closed for the last time.
“NOOOOOO!!!” Jack screamed dramatically, making things extremely awkward for the crowd of people who were also present.
His heart heavy with sadness, Jack returned to his motel room. He was shaken out of his grief by the realization that Roxana was gone. In retrospect it was probably a bad idea to leave an infant unattended in a motel room. A note was pinned to the back wall by a shuriken.

We have your baby
Quit the tournament.

Jack didn’t know what to make of the note. He still had the promise he had just made to The Butcher. Also, the note did not actually say they would return the baby if he quit, or even that they would harm her if he did not. It was very ambiguous. On the other hand, it was obvious that whoever kidnapped this baby meant business, based on the efficiency with which they wrote threatening messages. Jack decided to sleep on it and make his decision in the morning.

He awoke in a cold sweat in the middle of the night to find the door to the bathroom was open. He got out of bed and walked over to see the glowing ethereal form of The Butcher sitting on the toilet.
“Why hello lad.” The ghost said, as he pulled up his drawers and flushed the toilet, “This is a bit embarrassing, I didn’t expect you to wake up for another couple minutes…”
“Butcher! You’re dead!”
“Indeed I am lad. And I’ve brought a message for you from beyond the grave!”
“Really? Is it going to be in the form of a vague, cryptic riddle that I will only figure out at the right time.”
“Damn straight lad, anyway here it is: When the Shark bites the Lizard, the Kangaroo shall fall.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean.”
“Well if I told you that, it wouldn’t be vague and cryptic, now would it?”
“No I suppose not. So does this mean I should continue the tournament?”
“Do whatever the fuck you want kid.”
“Butcher…”
“Yeah lad?”
“I miss you.”
“Christ lad! I’ve been dead for maybe four hours!”
“So what’s being dead like?”
“Not bad. Except they make you do stuff like this.”
“Goodbye Butcher.”
“Goodbye Jack. And remember what I told you. With the shark and the rabbit.”
“I thought it was a lizard.”
“Whatever. I’m pretty drunk right now.”
Slowly the ghost faded away, leaving Jack alone once again in the motel room. After an hour of contemplation he finally managed to fall back asleep.

The next morning he was awoken by a familiar shout that he hadn’t expected to ever hear again.
“Shark Attack!”
He picked up Butcher’s sword and stumbled outside to find that the compound was indeed under siege by the same sharks that had sunk the HMS Gigantic. Each wore a robotic suit filled with seawater, allowing them to walk on land. Everywhere sharks fought against the weary tournament warriors and Kangaroo Jack’s henchmen.
“Foolish land people!” The Austrian shark said, riding the largest of the robotic suits, “We have decided to extend the range of the shahk empire! Australia shall soon fall to our powah!”
Jack raised The Butcher’s Kilij in his hands and prepared to help out the defense when a robed figure pulled him into the shadows.
“You are Jack?” The figure whispered.
“Yes. Yes I am.” Jack responded cautiously.
“If you wish to see your niece again, come with me.”
While Jack hadn’t actually grown particularly attached to the baby he had know for all of six hours he felt it was his duty as an uncle and so he followed the mysterious stranger to a large rock behind the motel. The robed man touched a symbol carved into the rock the rock lowered into the ground and revealed a staircase. The staircase led to a large chamber illuminated by torchlight filled with more of the robed figures. On one side of the wall was an altar carved from jade. On the other side of the wall was a platform, upon which stood Kangaroo Jack with Roxana in his arms.
“Hello Jack.” The Kangaroo said, as Jack was led to the center of the room, “so glad you could join us.”
“What’s going on here?” Jack said angrily.
“Why, your ascension dear boy!”
“Ascension? To what?”
“To greatness!” Kangaroo Jack walked toward Jack in the center of the room, handing the baby off to one of the robed persons. “You see, you are about to become a Queen!”
“Uh, don’t you mean king? Because I’m not gay.”
“No no, its queen, trust me. It’s complicated.”
“Uh… Ok.”
“You see your niece is actually meant to be the next queen of the lizard folk, but she is far too young, and so it must be you.”
“Why me? I can’t be a queen! First of all, I’m a dude!”
“Yes, you are not a perfect match but the transformation will last long enough to defend this place from those wretched sharks.” Kangaroo Jack looked Jack up and down before placing a hand on his shoulder.
“I think I’m going to require further exposition.”
“You see, for thousands of years, a war has raged between the lizards and the sharks. Every twenty years a shark king is chosen, as well as a lizard queen to champion each side. Only the worthiest may become a king or queen, which is why I hold these tournaments.”
“So you knew the sharks would strike?”
“Yes, that was unanticipated, but whatever is lost today shall be gained back tenfold, for we now possess the chosen one!”
“Me?”
“You? Of course not!” Kangaroo Jack laughed, “I speak of a child! It is prophesized that only one of the line of the great lizard guardians can become the ultimate queen. In twenty years time, she shall be ready to lead the lizard people to victory not only over the sharks but over the entire world!”
“So wait, does that mean my family are lizard guardians?”
“You don’t understand my boy, she did not inherit the blood from her mother, but from her father!”
“Her father could be any plastic surgeon on the east coast with low enough standards!”
“Ah but you see, I am her father.”
“NOOOOOO!!!”
“Christ that dramatic No thing is really annoying… anyway, while traveling around the world sleeping with kangaroo loving women, I apparently managed to impregnate your sister. That is why I called you here, for her!”
“Wait… then the puppy factory…”
“Yes, it was I who started the fire, to distract you long enough to kidnap her!”
“Why didn’t you just do it while we were fighting in the tournament?”
“We had a very busy schedule yesterday.”
“So wait, why do I have to become this lizard queen? Why not you! You are one of the guardians!”
“Because,” Kangaroo Jack said, as the robed figure surrounding jack began transforming into giant lizards, “I am a Kangaroo. Kangaroo’s cant turn into lizards, silly.”
The lizard people grabbed Jack with strong scaly hands and dragged him screaming onto the altar. As they held him down onto the altar lore lizard people began covering him with shed skins, which began to come alive and wrap themselves around Jack’s struggling body. As he became further entangled in the cocoon of dead skin a change began to overtake Jack. He felt his fingernails grow and strengthen before forming into claws, he felt his skin ripping apart and reforming as scales, he felt his tongue extending and then splitting down the middle, he felt his reproductive organs change from male to female. As the last of the dead skin wrapped itself around him the lizard people backed off. The cocoon wriggled for a few moments before falling still.
“Well shit,” Kangaroo Jack said, “ I hope we didn’t kill him.”
“I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!” Jack roared as he burst forth from the cocoon. The assembled lizard people hissed in excitement as Jack picked up the Butcher’s sword and led them to the surface.
Outside, the sharks had nearly finished their massacre Jack climbed to the roof of the motel and let out a mighty roar. The sharks looked up as one and made sort of a bubbling noise, because they are sharks, before charging him/her and his/her tiny band of followers. Suddenly a cloud of dust appeared on the horizon. A moment later it resolved itself into the poacher’s kill-dozer, commandeered by the monitor lizard and packed with lizard people. Behind then was a vast horde of lizard people walking, crawling and slithering their way toward the compound to defend their newly risen queen. Jack caught the eyes of the shark king and wordlessly began heading for the coliseum. The shark king followed suit and for the moment at least a truce fell over the sharks and lizards.
Inside the Coliseum the sharks and the lizards filled the stands as the two leaders stomped into the center ring. The shark king flexed the pneumatic muscles of his robot suit as Jack tossed The Butcher’s sword from hand to hand. With a bubble filled roar and a hiss the two titans charged into combat. Jack swung the Kilij in a wide arc, but the shark king ducked. His tank was breached however and saltwater began pouring out. Unfortunately the shark king was fully capable of breathing air and leapt from his robot suit, biting down on Jack’s free arm. Jack brought the hilt of his sword down on the Shark King’s skull and he released his bite, crawling back into his robot suit.
“You can’t win puny lizard garl. I am a shahk, and everyone knows shahks are better than lizards!”
“I will defeat you Shark King, you’re a fish out of water here!”
“Oh! Fish out of watah joke! How original!”
Jack charged once more, throwing his/her sword into the chest of the robot suit, he/she then leapt into the tank atop the mechanical legs and wrapped his/her powerful scaly arms around the shark king’s throat.
“This is for Denzel!”
“Ah’ll be back…” the shark king gasped with his last breath, before slumping to the bottom of the tank. At this point the lizards attacked the now demoralized sharks, driving them away and presumably back to the sea/robot workshops from whence they had come.
Jack sat down on his/her bed at the motel. Kangaroo Jack hopped in, Roxana in his arms.
“Well done my queen. I can sense that you’re reign shall be long and terrible! Terrible in a good way! Good for us I mean! It will be pretty shitty for our enemies.”
“Shut up.” Jack said, he/she swung The Butcher’s sword and rent Kangaroo Jack’s head from his shoulders. As his body hit the floor, Jack used his/her reptile-like reflexes to catch Roxana in his/her arms.
He walked outside to where a group of lizard people were feasting on the remains of fallen sharks.
“Hey, you.” Jack said, “Your queen hungers. Bring me a taco. And a cat. Or, you know what, a cat made of tacos.”
The lizards nodded, hissed and slunk away.
“Well Roxy, I guess I’m the lizard queen now.” Jack said. He looked over to the horizon where the ghost of The Butcher stood waving at him next to the ghost of Denzel Washington and, for some reason, Hayden Christiansen.
“I hope you’re proud of me old friend.”
“No. Not really. You’re a god damn lizard woman.” The Butcher replied before fading into the air.
THE END

Countdown to Infinity

The Deadline's almost here, and I still have nothing to write about for this week's blog entry.
"Ok, first of all, What deadline? And second of all, you barely update this thing once a month!"
I have to think fast if I was going to come up with something interesting and exciting to talk about. Millions of my avid readers are counting on me! But what? Justin Bieber? That's still a thing right?
"Really? Millions? I mean, I know that despite the title, people read it, but probably closer to 'several' than 'millions'"
Shhhhut up. I know what I'm doing. And I can do it just fine without you bitching at me all the time with your facts. It's bad enought that I have The Chief on my ass about increasing circulation I don't need this shit too!
"What Chief? There is no Chief? What the hell are you saying. And what's this about circulation? You're using a free internet site!"
DAMN IT MAN, I'm a Doctor, not a sense-makey-person!
"You know what? You just do your thing. I'm not going to say anymore, 'Doctor'"
Hey! I saw those quotes around Doctor! I should kill you for that! Kill you right in your stupid face! But I can't right now! I have to locate the Justin Bieber and find out it's secrets, so I can expose them and make lots of moneys!
"Money is already plural. Also I'm pretty sure Justin Bieber is a person."
LIAR, YOU'RE WITH HIM NOW!
"Star Wars quotes? And not even from the good ones..."
Shhhut your faaaaace. The people must know what Justin Bieber does with her time? What plans does she have brooding in her big... stupid... face. With those eyes... and the lemon Jell-O...
"Pretty sure Justin Bieber's a dude."
GAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHHAGAGAHH
"Well okay then."
What about the Lady Gaga? Is that a dude too? Where does this media conspiracy end? Does it go all the way to the top?
"Lady is part of her name."
Inconsequential. Clearly these are things that the people must know! And it is up to me to expose this corruption! For America!
"Good luck with that."
Fuck it. Too much work. Instead, I shall make a list of funny sounding words! To the delight of my many Czechoslovakian readers!
"That's actually not a country anymore, they... fuck it. Follow your dreams."
1. Pudding
2. Bieber
3. Pudding
4. Golfcart
5. Steve
6. Six
7. Six
8. Six
9. Eleven
10. Sandwich
Blog Post Complete. I win.

How to Hot Tub Your Train Dragon Time Machine

So, over Spring Break I saw two movies, Train Dragon, and Hot Tub Time Machine. Due to a combination of drama, binge drinking, and havign a crappy memory, I only remember about 50 percent of each movie, so I have decided to review them together! This should turn out fun!
So this movies stars King Leonidas, Darryl from The Office, Craig Ferguson, The kid from Tropic Thunder, John Cusack, McLovin, and Rob Corddry. The movie begins with three vikings, who used to be best friends, all dealing with the shity hand that life has dealt them. One of the Vikings, played by Rob Corddry, appears to have attempted suicide by locking himself in the garage with a flaming dragon. So the his two viking friends, and a young viking named Hiccup for some reason, decide to go train to fight dragons at a ski resort. The trouble is, the ski resort hasd fallen on hard times, because dragons keep coming and stealing their livestock. Luckily Hiccup manages to capture one of the dragons, and when he can't bring himself to kill it, it takes him to a magical Hot Tub that takes the four friends back in time so they can stop the Train Dragon and get Back... TO THE FUTURE!
No, but seriously, these are both great movies, and I definitely reccomend them both. Hot Tub Time Machine is like a combination of the Hangover and Back to the Future and that alone should be enough to make you want to see it. Rob Corddry gives a really great performance as Lou, and really steals the show for me. Craig Robinson, from The Office, does not disappoint either, and he shows why he has been in so many fucking movies lately. Seriously, it seems like he's the new go-to guy for funny black actors. Not that I'm complaining, because he's awesome. John Cusack, gives a very John Cusack like performance. I've never really had an opinion about him as an actor, and I don't really have an opinion about his character either. I will say he made me completely forget that he was in 2012, which is definitely a good thing. Also, Chevy Chase is i nthsi movie! So yeah! See it. There was also the fourth guy, John Cusack's character's nephew, played by Clark Duke, who some of you may remember from Sexdrive. His character is sort of the straight man to the antics of the three friends, and the one who is most focussed on not upsetting the time stream, because he has the most to lose. Like his character in Sexdrive, Duke's portrays Jacob as sort of a Non-socially awkward nerd. I like this, I'm glad Hollywood is moving away from the stereotypical nerd character. Those of you who are shying away from this move because you think it's going to be some ultra-cheesy Snakes On A Plane affair, well, it's really not, so go see it.
As for How to Train Your Dragon, I am going to say it is a cross between Avatar, Beowulf, and a movie that was actually good. Those of you who miss the days when Gerard Butler was a badass action movie star instead fo a semi-badass Romantic Comedy star, you probably won't be disappointed by this movie. He plays the king of a tribe of huge, muscular Vikings, who inexplicably have Scottish accents. Because everything is better with Scottish accents. Speaking of which, Craig Ferguson is hilarious in this movie. He actually plays a pretty important character for someone who isn't actually a film actor. Jay Baruchel, from Tropic Thunder and She's Out of My League, plays Hiccup, the main character. For those of you familiar with his other roles, it's pretty much just that, except he's a Viking. Well, a nerdy, MacGyvery Viking. The flying scenes in this movie are pretty amazing and for a detail-obsessed overthinker like me, it was really nice to see the whole process of trial-and-error that Hiccup goes through before he can actually competently ride the dragon. The ending battle is also totally awesome, when our hero finally faces down the Legendary Train Dragon. I don't want to give anything away, so that is all I will say about that.
So in conclusion, get a job, whore yourself out, somehow raise the roughly 20 bucks you will need and then go see both of these movies.

The Tale of Keith the Telemarketer

Once upon a time there was a tiny island nation that lived under the tyrannical rule of a jar of strawberry preserves. All the people of the island lived in fear and squalor but none were willing to stand up to their dictator.
On that island their lived a young telemarketer named Keith. His friends called him Keith of the Iron Hand, because he had lost his hand in a horrific telemarketing accident and had it replaced with a prosthetic one made from an old iron gauntlet. Keith lived with his lovely wife Carol and their six children, Greg, Marsha, Peter, Bobby, Cindy, and Slagatron the Tormentor.
One day, Keith came home to find his lovely home in ruins. It seemed that the jar of strawberry preserves fancied his wife and so sent death squads to kidnap her. Keith ran inside to find that his children had also been taken, presumably to be melted down and turned into sheet metal.
Keith decided that he wasn't going to take it anymore. He went over to the government controlled call center where he worked and told them he was there to kick ass and solicit money from people on a list. And he was all out of lists. He drew the AK-74 assault rifle that was standard issue to oppressed island people and began firing wildly into his workplace. His coworkers returned fire and soon dozens of people were dead. At this point, as Keith cradled, the bloody head of his dying best friend while ducked behind a cubicle, explosions all around him, he began to question how shooting up his workplace was supposed to get his family back. And so, as his best friend bled out in his arms, Keith stood up, and silenced the room full of heavily armed call center employees. He then delivered an impassioned speech urging his fellow telemarketers to rise up against the oppression of the jar of strawberry preserves and take back their country. Most of them were running low on ammunition, so they decided to follow Keith on hsi quest for liberty.
After a quick trip to the gun store, followed by a stop at Island Steve's Torches and Pitchforks Emporium, the angry mob of telemarketers arrived at the presidential palace, having been joined along the way by several hundred other islanders, many of whom were just along because of a passionate love of angry mobs. The guards were quickly overwhelmed and soon Keith led his followers right into the private quarters of the jar of strawberry preserves. There, his wife was chained to a desk, dressed in a metal bikini, and his children were all tied up, suspended precariously over a vat of molten steel.
The jar of strawberry preserves held a gun to Carol's head and told Keith he had to choose between his wife and children. Or at least it would have, except that it was an inanimate glass jar filled with fruit. Keith smashed the jar of strawberry preserves with his metal fist, rescued his family, and became the new dictator of the island.
Three weeks later he was deposed by a piece of toast.

The Making of the Amigo

A group of engineers stand around the design table at Isuzu headquarters in the late 90s. An enormous pile of cocaine and prostitutes dominates one corner of the room. A hand briefly emerges from the cocaine, gropes a hooker, and then withdraws.
Engineer 1: Alright boys, let's get started on our latest design.
Engineer 2: Do we really have to make another one? I mean, we're not even going to be staying in America for much longer.
Engineer 3: Exactly! We don't need the American market. And what bigger "fuck you" can we possibly give them than the shittiest car in existence!
Engineer 2: Brilliant!
Engineer 1: Now, I'm thinking a 2 door version of the Rodeo. Except considerably shittier and harder to maintain.
Engineer 4: Hey, what's with this big pile of cocaine and hookers? Were we doing something with that?
Engineer 2: Well, uh, I think he was planning on some sort of joke with that, maybe a scarface reference?
Engineer 3: Well, Scarface is really more of an 80s thing, he was probably going to make some sort of American Psycho reference.
Engineer 4: Has he even seen American Psycho?
Engineer 1: Guys, guys, this is getting out of hand. Let's get back to the car.
Engineer 2: Well first of all, let's put it on a four-wheel drive Chassis, even though it's got 2 wheel drive.
Engineer 3: Won't that increase the chance of it flipping over?
Engineer 2: Don't worry, we'll put a tiny note on the shades.
Engineer 4: How about we put a sunroof in, and then destroy every spare sunroof shade in existence!
Engineer 1: So if they lose it, and they don't want sun streaming constantly into their car, they'll have to fly to Japan to get a new one!
Engineer 2: Now, the clutch is an extremely vital part of the engine.
Engineer 3: Obviously.
Engineer 1: So, let's make it out of play dough and wood chips!
Engineer 3: An excellent idea! And let's make it so you have to take apart the entire fucking engine to replace it! Any other ideas?
Engineer 2: Let's use 11mm bolts on the spare tires!
Engineer 1: But, the standard metric sizes are 10mm and 12mm... Brilliant!
Engineer 3: And the only way to change the headlight bulb, is to smash the whole fucking thing in with a hammer!
Engineer 4: Hmm... I feel like there are more vital parts of the engine we can make out of fucking cardboard...
Engineer 1: Alright guys, so what do we call this bitch?
Engineer 2:... The Amigo?
All four engineers burst into fits of laughter and fall to the ground, they then crawl over to the pile of cocaine and hookers and curse the name of American consumers.

Gerald the Potted Plant

Good God Man, I haven't made one of these here blog posts in quite some time. Clearly this is the work of the decepticons. But what should I write about? I mean, I can't just type randomly for like 15 minutes in the hopes that the random output of my thought process will be found entertaining to the zero people who read this blog.
I set off to South America to find something to blog about. I took with me forty men and a hamster. I trusted every one of those men with my life. But not the hamster. Something about him just seemed... shifty. We took off down the amazon river about mid-day when suddenly we were assaulted by the indigenous thong people of southern Uganda. But why were they here in Brazil presumably? I think that's where the Amazon river is. Well, I'm sure it runs through several countries but Brazil is fucking huge, am I right? So yeah, probably got some amazon action going on over there. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh, right, the Ugandans. Fifty men died in the initial assault. Which is odd, because I could've sworn I said we started with forty. I took the twelve remaining men, and the hamster, and made for the relative safety of a nearby cave. Unfortunately, it was not actually a cave, but the mouth of an enormous worm. Luckily, the worm turned out to be extremely friendly and released us after eating only three of my men. Then he decided to grant us 4 wishes. What is it with talking animals and granting wishes? Did they, like, find another talking animal and wish for the ability to talk and grant wishes? How would that work out if they couldn't talk in the first place? Unless the magic animal can understand them or something. Or they just assume that that is what they would wish for, if they could talk. That could explain why they are so prolific. Hey, Listen? Can you hear that? You can tell she's naked... but I digress. For our first wish, I asked for the ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures. This prompted a lenghty debate between myself, the worm, and the remnants of my crew as to what constitutes a "sea" creature. I think that term generally includes all ocean-dwelling life. However, the worm was quite insistent that it only refers to creatures found in the body of water specifically known as a sea, as in the Black Sea, Dead Sea, etc. Well, I thought that was bullshit so for my second wish I wished for a big fucking gun to shoot the goddamn worm in the face for being so uppity. So he gave me the gun, I shot him, and then it occurred to me that we didn't get any more wishes. Luckily we still had the hamster, and so we were able to get home safely. Did I say hamster? I meant aircraft carrier. I often get those two confused. His name was Gerald, and he was one shifty motherfucker. Speaking of Gerald, I havent watered my Green Ivy plant, Gerald the Potted Plant in quite some time. I would be quite upset if he were to die. So I guess since I couldn't find anything to write about, I shall have to put if off until another time. Peace, bitches.

My Newest Story

Disclaimer: The story gets really dark and fucked up quite fast. In fact it kind of stops being funny and just gets sorta depressing. My Bad! Enjoy!

Fun Adventures in the Magical Forest of Fun!
Once upon a time in a magical forest there lived a tiny race of creatures known as the Snerflings. They lived in a tiny, matriarchal communist village under the wise leadership of their high priestess. In appearance they resembled a cross between hamsters and attractive human teenagers. Also, by sheer coincidence, their naming conventions sound hilariously vulgar to humans.
“Good Morning Donkeyfucker!” Cuntface said as she waved to her good friend across the road.
“Cuntface! Always a pleasant day when I see you!” Donkeyfucker walked over to stand by Cuntface and leaned on a nearby Toadstool.
“So Donkeyfucker, have you heard the high priestess is choosing another apprentice?”
“Ah yes! I believe Anustooth and Shitbrains are the top candidates!” Cuntface suddenly looked glum.
“Oh Donkeyfucker, do you think I could be a priestess someday?”
“Why of course!” Donkeyfucker reassured her, patting her on the back, “You may not be as smart as Shitbrains, or as pretty as Anustooth, but you have the most important thing of all! Heart!” Cuntface smiled warmly at this and gave her friend a hug. “Oh look! There’s a wagon coming down the road! I think it’s that squirrely scavenger Kenneth again!”
“Oh joy!” Cuntface said, gazing down the road, “He always finds such funny toys from the humans!”
Sure enough, Kenneth the scavenger’s wagon ambled its way down the path, pulled by a pair of adorable ducklings, Fuck and Dickbreath.
“Hello Kenneth!” Donkeyfucker called out, waving to his friend, “Have you got any new wonders from the human village?”
“Why yes I do, Donkeyfucker!” Kenneth said excitedly as he hopped down from his wagon, he then turned and began rooting through the various gadgets and goo-gaws piled therein. He pulled out a large gold disc with two leather bands coming out the sides of it.
“This is something they wear on their wrists!” Kenneth exclaimed proudly, “I’m not entirely sure of its purpose but these little markers seem to correspond with the shadows of a sundial, so I assume it has something to do with time.”
“Why would they need a device to tell them what time it is when they can just look outside?”
“Who knows,” Kenneth said as put back the watch and pulled out another disk, made of sheepskin this time, “Perhaps the little symbols remind them to eat or something. Humans are notoriously retarded. Now this next item is really interesting, it folds out into a long tube, closed at one end.”
“Like a sleeping bag?” Cuntface asked, as Kenneth unrolled the condom.
“Sleeping bag?” Donkeyfucker responded, “Don’t be silly! Humans are nearly as tall as the trees!”
“I hypothesize that it is to keep small items dry in the rain!” Kenneth said, as he shoved the unrolled condom back into his wagon. Finally he withdrew a large ring, made from blackened steel and covered with strange symbols that glowed with a mysterious red light. On one end, the ring got larger and was fashioned into the shape of a grinning skull.
“Now this thing I think they wear on their fingers, but I think it makes a pretty bitchin’ hat.” Kenneth said as he put it on his head.
“What’s that writing on the side? It doesn’t look like regular human writing…” Donkeyfucker said as he gazed into the symbols.
“Hmm…” Kenneth responded as he tugged off the ring, “I’m not sure, I have heard that there are different villages of human and… Donkeyfucker? Are you okay?”
Blood streamed from Donkeyfucker’s nose as he stared transfixed at the symbols on the ring. Cuntface shook his shoulders and he snapped out of it.
“Whoa… That was… odd.” Donkey fucker said, as he put a hand to the side of his head, “We’ll see you later Kenneth.”
“Bye Donkeyfucker, Cuntface!” Kenneth said as he climbed aboard his wagon and continued on toward his house.

Back at home, Kenneth looked at himself in an enormous human hand mirror. He straightened the collar of his suit, made from the skin of a Salamander, fierce reptiles that breathed fire and ejaculated a powerful acid. To finish off his outfit, he placed the ring on his head, skull forward. He looked at himself for a while, and then decided to add a cape, made from jet black cat-fur.
“There! I look like a king!” he said, beaming. That night he had a date with the prettiest girl in the village, Rhinotwat. He had a crush on her and finally worked up the courage to talk to her a few days ago. “It really is lucky that I found this beautiful ring today!” he said, as he admired himself once more. “It’s a shame no one will ever love me.”
Huh. That was weird. Kenneth didn’t think that at all and couldn’t think of why he would say such a thing. Except of course for the fact that all his friends are worthless and deserve to die.
No. That’s not right! Kenneth loved his friends! Before he could ponder this, there was a knock on the door of his hut. She was here! Kenneth hurried to open the door. Rhinotwat stood there, looking resplendent in a dress made from an albino gopher.
“Hello Kenneth! Lovely Hat!” She said, as Kenneth stepped out into the night and took her arm.
“What a sarcastic bitch,” a voice in Kenneth’s head said, “She hates your hat.” Kenneth ignored the voice and escorted Rhinotwat to his cart, which had been emptied of human debris. Fuck quacked enthusiastically as he and Dickbreath pulled Kenneth and his lovely date toward a massive tent set up by the side of the river.
Kenneth and Rhinotwat took their seats in the third row as the Circus began. The Ringmaster stepped into the center ring and addressed the crowd through a megaphone.
“Snerflings and Snerfettes! Welcome to the greatest show within the immediate vicinity! Tonight we have sights the likes of which you have never seen before and may never see again! Squirrels, Salamanders and Skwubs! Death defying stunts! And, for the kiddies, our hilarious troupe of clowns!” He then cracked his whip and the show began with a bang as a dozen Squirrel riding Snerflings rode around the center ring while another Snerfling was launched high into the air from a cannon. The flying Snerfling then caught a swing and began performing acrobatic feats.
Later on came Kenneth’s favorite part of the show, the Salamander trainer brought out four of the fierce reptiles and they began performing tricks. Two danced on their hind legs, while a third stood between them breathing a steady plume of fire high into the air. Meanwhile the fourth, with the trainer perched cautiously on his back, leapt from a ramp over the fire. Rhinotwat was frightened by this stunt and clung tightly to Kenneth’s arm, to his pleasant surprise.
For the final stunt, three of the Salamanders were taken back to their cages, leaving only the most well trained of the creatures. A herd of Skwubs, small, timid creatures covered with mounds of fluffy fur in a variety of colors that were the natural prey of the Salamanders, were brought out into the ring. Much to their dismay they were herded, by a pair of aggressive chipmunks, into the vicinity of the Salamander. As the Skwubs were pushed closer and closer to the feared predator, the Salamander remained perfectly still, keeping his eyes locked on those of his trainer. Eventually, the Skwubs were so close that their fluffy, colorful fur was brushing right up against the polished scales of the draconic beast. Still, the Salamander resisted its instincts and remained still. The audience applauded the beast’s restraint and finally the Skwubs were led away, to the tiny creature’s great relief.
Once the show was over, Kenneth brought Rhinotwat back to her house, which was carved into a tree stump in the North part of the village. They climbed down from the wagon and Kenneth walked her to her door.
“I had a really good time tonight Kenneth!” Rhinotwat said, as they stood together on her front steps.
“Me too!” Kenneth said, nervously adjusting his cape, “Maybe we can do it again sometimes, I mean, I really like you.”
“Oh…” Rhinotwat replied, awkwardly averting her gaze, “Well, you see Kenneth, I like you too. I think you’re really sweet and I want us to be friends. But I don’t think it would work between us. I mean, I have a reputation and stuff, and, no offense, but you’re the weird dude who collects human garbage. What would people say if we were together? And if we had kids! I couldn’t bring myself to give them a stupid human name like… oh, I’m sorry… I…”
Kenneth stopped listening to her. He silently turned and walked back to his wagon. Without looking back he drove home. Dickbreath looked back at him and quacked sympathetically, but Kenneth ignored him. As he got home and threw himself into bed, he faintly heard the sound of triumphant, mocking laughter coming from somewhere in his head.

The next day he set off to work with very specific human artifacts in mind. Rather than show them off to his friends he instead headed straight home. He was tired of them feeling sorry for him and pretending to show interest in the things he liked. Why should he bother sharing his life with them when they would never truly understand? He got home to find Donkeyfucker waiting for him. His fur was matted and he looked gaunt. The faint look of madness was present in his eyes. As Kenneth got down from his wagon, Donkeyfucker bowed to him, bumping his forehead into the soft dirt.
“What do you want?” Kenneth sneered, contempt heavy in his voice.
“I want what you want, friend.”
“I have no friends.” Kenneth said as he pushed past him into the workshop where he kept his finds. Undeterred, Donkeyfucker followed him, his movements giving off a sense of desperate need.
“Then I will be your servant!” Donkeyfucker said, “As long as I can be close to it!” Donkeyfucker gazed up at the ring, which had changed during the night. It fit Kenneth’s head better and had extended metal prongs upward. The runes had fallen into place beside bright sapphires that had grown almost organically from the sides in the night. It now truly resembled a crown.
Kenneth turned and looked at the Snerfling he had once called friend. He smashed him to the ground with a sweep of his right arm, then threw him an apron and wordlessly gestured toward the wagon, loaded heavy with human loot. Deep in his mind, he questioned himself. Why was he doing this? Donkeyfucker had always been a good friend, and didn’t deserve this sort of treatment.
A stronger voice then rang out through his mind, crushing his doubts. Donkeyfucker was worthless, just like all the others. The ones who called him a freak. In the end, he would meet the same fate them, but until then, he could be useful. The voice in Kenneth’s mind considered this line of reasoning for a moment. Perhaps there were others who could be useful…

Cunting Faggot was the best blacksmith in the village. His grandfather had built the forge many years ago near an enchanted spring, with the help of a Unicorn Squirrel. That squirrel still lived, gracefully frolicking amongst the trees outside Cunting Faggot’s home. Every Tuesday, he rode the Unicorn Squirrel into town to find the finest scrap metal and ore to craft into tools, jewelry and other wares.
This evening he was putting the finishing touches on a set of plates for the high priestess. Around the rim of the silver plates he was engraving a ring of winged Skwubs gracefully dancing. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. He put down the plate he was working on, carefully put his tools back in their case, and answered it.
Donkeyfucker, one of the Snerflings from the village, stood there, along with a cloaked figure. He looked sickly, bent over, with patches of his fur missing in places. His eyes were glazed over with a yellow sheen.
“Hello Donkeyfucker!” Cunting Faggot said, nervously, “How can I help you, it’s a bit late, but if you would like to order something, I can write it down…”
“I need nothing.” Donkeyfucker said, “But the master requires your services.”
“Um… Okay… Is that him there?”
Kenneth stepped forward, and drew the cloak back from his face. His cheeks were gaunt and his once brown fur was now jet black. The crown now had a nose guard, and a pair of cheek guards, and had extended down to protect the neck. It now resembled a helmet more than a crown. Kenneth’s eyes glowed with a baleful red glow. Cunting Faggot ran as soon as he saw him. He took off into the forest, informed the high priestess, and the next day they came and burned down Kenneth’s workshop, killing him and his mad servant before any harm could be done. Then Cunting Faggot received a shiny medal.
None of that happened of course, that would be a much less interesting tale. Cunting Faggot’s mind was shattered like cheap glass as soon as he saw the helmet. He dropped to his knees and bowed to his new master. He then returned to his workshop to forge a gift, worthy of his glory.

Cuntface looked across the road to Donkeyfucker’s house. A window was broken and a family of roaches seemed to have taken up residence. She had not seen her friend there in nearly a week. He was never home, always over at Kenneth’s house, along with quite a few other Snerflings from the village. The last time she had seen the two of them, they had looked ragged, unhealthy. Something had to be done. She suddenly remembered that Kenneth’s brother Steve didn’t live far from here. She would pay him a visit. She might even pay the High Priestess a visit, but she hoped dearly it would not come to that.

That evening, Rhinotwat sat in her bedroom, gazing at herself in a mirror that Cunting Faggot had given her for her birthday. She put a little bit of beeswax in her hair and began styling it when she heard a knock on her door. Wiping the beeswax off her hands, she opened the front door. Outside, four figures stood glaring at her. Three were dressed like Skwubs and the fourth wore a black cloak.
“Uh… can I help you?” Rhinotwat asked, as it slowly dawned on her that the three Snerflings were actually wearing the carcasses of slain Skwubs. Before she could scream, a cudgel hit her in the head and she blacked out.
She awoke to a terrible smell. She looked down at her body and saw that she too had been wrapped in a recently killed carcass. At first she thought it was a Skwub, but as she reached down to pull it off she saw that it was a Salamander. She thought back to the last time she had seen Salamanders, at the Circus with Kenneth. She hadn’t seen him since that day…
Suddenly she heard a growl and looked across the room to see two of the Snerflings dressed as Skwubs leading a Salamander toward her. The Salamanders normally bright green eyes were glazed over and yellow. Behind the Salamander, the cloaked figure stood with the third Snerfling dressed as a Skwub, the head of his macabre costume slid off his head to reveal Donkeyfucker, a Snerfling from the village. The local boy looked emaciated, sick, and yet a broad grin stretched across his face, revealing yellow, poorly maintained teeth.
Her attention was snapped back to the Salamander as it blew a ball of fire right above her head. It was going to eat her! She didn’t want to die like this! She was too pretty to be eaten by some stupid monster! Then the Salamander knocked her onto her stomach and mounted her.

“Rhinotwat was raped to death by a Salamander last night!” Cuntface explained to Steve, who listened quietly, stunned by the events being recounted.
“What does that have to do with Kenneth? He’s a nice kid. He would never do any of that stuff.” He said at last as Cuntface finished.
“There’s something wrong with him. Donkeyfucker too. I don’t know what it is, but I’m scared. You’re the only family Kenneth has; maybe you can talk to him.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
That afternoon, Steve drove his wagon over to Kenneth’s home. His followers had expanded it greatly; newly constructed buildings squatted all around the land surrounding the main house. Everywhere throughout the compound, Snerflings with glazed eyes performed menial labor, making weapons, sewing clothes, and putting up more ramshackle huts. They ignored Steve and Cuntface, acting as if they weren’t even there. Even Snerflings that Cuntface had known for years did not even look up when she called their name.
Inside Kenneth’s house, the piles of human doodads had been replaced with artifacts that hurt to look at, pages ripped from human tomes of dark knowledge, and stacks of black iron weapons and armor. Kenneth himself, in a suit of black armor, was hunched over an enormous idol that he was busily painting runes onto.
“Kenneth!” Steve shouted. His brother looked back at him, sneered, and continued his work. “KENNETH! It’s Steve! Your brother!” Steve called again, picking up a shoe and throwing it at him.
The shoe knocked the crown off of Kenneth’s head and he screamed in agony as he dropped to the ground. Cuntface and Steve ran over to support him.
“It’s gone…” Steve whispered, his voice weak, “The voice is gone…”
“Kenneth!” Cuntface said, as she held his head to her chest, “We’re going to take you to the high priestess! She’ll know what to do!”
“Yes… yes, we need to get away. Don’t let anyone see you.” Kenneth said, as Steve brought him his cloak. They managed to get it on him and quickly made their way out of the compound. This time, all the Snerflings stopped their work and simply stared at them as they passed, sending chills down the spines of Cuntface and Steve.

The High Priestess lived in a fortified temple at the center of the village. Standing, ever vigilant at the gates were two Custodians, warrior priestesses in gleaming gold armor, who wielded long spears. Steve and Cuntface half carried Kenneth’s limp form past them into the High Priestess’s throne room. They brought Kenneth before her, and pulled the cloak away from his head.
“High Priestess! This is…” Cuntface began,
“Kenneth. Scavenger of Human Relics. I know of him,” The High Priestess said sternly, “I also know of the trouble he has been causing of late.”
“Please,” Steve said, “You have to help him, he’s not himself. I think there is something controlling him or something.”
“He is a subversive agent.” The High Priestess said, gracefully rising from her throne and approaching them, “He will have to be executed quickly before his ideas spreads.”
“Executed!?” Cuntface stammered, “But… but he is not himself! You have to help him!”
“The only help left for him is the sweet embrace of death. This is the fate of all who would threaten the Snerflings with subversive thoughts. This is how it is; this is how it has always been.”
“So you just kill anyone who disagrees with you!” Steve shouted angrily, leaving Cuntface to support Kenneth by herself.
“Yes. His followers shall be dealt with as well. We can have none upset the order we have created, from the most grizzled rebel to the smallest child, any who would destroy our peace must be silenced.”
“You’re a monster!” Cuntface shouted as she began sobbing and clutching Kenneth.
“YES!” Kenneth suddenly shouted, “That is what he has told me… it is not I who is the monster, but you! I am… I am the savior!” He began muttering deliriously and fell to the ground.
“Take him to the dungeons!” The High Priestess said, as a half dozen Custodians appeared from the hallways. Suddenly shouting was heard from outside and a mob of Kenneth’s followers burst into the throne room and surrounded their leader. They wore ebony armor and wielded swords. Donkeyfucker approached Kenneth and gingerly placed the helmet onto his head. Slowly the scavenger rose and began laughing triumphantly. The High Priestess backed away, fear evident in her eyes, as Donkeyfucker placed an ornate sword into Kenneth’s hand. He advanced on her with a grim smile on his face until she was forced back into her throne.
“Your reign has ended, Bitch. Now is my time.” Kenneth shoved the sword through her chest and into the throne, pinning her sputtering, bleeding body in place. His followers then fell on the Custodians, butchering them through strength of numbers. With an unnatural strength, Kenneth tossed aside the throne, High Priestess and all with one swipe of his hand. Another mob of his followers entered the throne room carrying a chair made from bones, seared black and polished, and put it in the place once occupied by the priestess. Kenneth turned and sat in his new throne as his zealots dispersed from the room to slaughter the remaining Custodians.

In the confusion, Cuntface and Steve had managed to escape from the temple. They looked back and saw smoke rising from the outer buildings as Kenneth’s followers battled the last pockets of Custodian resistance. A massive hole in the wall had been eroded by Salamanders in a rather comical humping fashion. However Cuntface and Steve were in no mood to laugh.
“What are we going to do?” Cuntface said, wiping the tears from her face once they were safely at Steve’s house, , “Kenneth is gone! And Donkeyfucker…”
“We have to run. We’ll find a raccoon who can take us as far from the village as possible.” Steve said somberly, “It’s the only thing we can do. We can’t fight that! You saw what they did to the Custodians! And they have Salamanders!”
“You’re right Steve. I’m going to go home right now and pack.”
“Just take what you can carry, then meet me back here. We need to be as fast as possible.” Steve watched her go, and then began packing his own possessions. He paused when he saw a sketch, made years ago, of himself, Kenneth, and their father. A tear rolled down his face as he threw it away.

The once white walls of the temple had been stained with blood. A line of spears stood in front of the gate, with the head of a Custodian on each one. The influence of the helmet corrupted the earth itself as black vines spread themselves across the walls and choked the beautiful flowers that once grew all around the perimeter into nothing.
Kenneth sat in his throne room surrounded by his minions. The helmet was bigger now, with black spikes jutting from its side and a tall brush of jet-black hair. Everything was going according to plan. He was in his rightful place as ruler of the village. Except this was not his place. The village was not enough. No, Kenneth could not stop until all knew of his greatness and power. The world would be his, and then it would burn. Every living thing had been judged and found wanting.
His thoughts were interrupted by Donkeyfucker approaching his throne. He was little more than skin and bones now. What fur he had was grey and dull and his flesh was covered in pustules and scratches. In his hands was an object, covered with a sheet, dripping blood.
“I bring proof of my devotion, my master” Donkeyfucker wheezed, still grinning like a madman. With a slight flourish he removed the bloody sheet to reveal the head of Cuntface.

From the back of the Unicorn Squirrel, Kenneth led the slaughter of the village. The Squirrel’s beautiful white fur had become blood red, its shiny horn was dull and black and its proud tail was withered. Kenneth’s minions swept out into every house, burning and massacring. A family of four ran into a courtyard only to be incinerated by a pair of Salamanders. Donkeyfucker roamed a nearby farm, systematically murdering the herd of Skwubs. Suddenly, he fell to the ground, a green-fletched arrow protruding from his chest.
Kenneth looked with mild interest in the direction the arrow came from. A motley collection of armed Snerflings, mostly hunters and farmers, charged toward the village, screaming battle cries. With a mere thought, Kenneth directed his followers to break off from the slaughter and engage this new threat. A vaguely familiar face broke off from the crowd of interlopers. Kenneth felt like he knew him somehow, as though he once called him friend, or something more…
Steve swung his axe and decapitated the once majestic Unicorn Squirrel, sending his brother toppling to the ground. A zealot swung a sword at him and he parried the blow, and then gutted him with an upward stroke. Another came at him with two daggers. Steve raised his axe and buried it in the insane Snerfling’s skull. Before he could pull it out, Cunting Faggot, the blacksmith came at him with a massive warhammer. Steve sidestepped the blow, but it shattered the handle of his axe. He kicked out, catching Cunting Faggot in the chest and causing him to drop the hammer. Steve then picked up a sword and decapitated him. He picked up the hammer he dropped and continued toward Kenneth.
For some reason, Kenneth could not fight back against this strange person. He was still trying to figure out where he knew him. This is a waste of time. Kill him. Finish him off. Kenneth placed his hand on the sword at his waist, but couldn’t bring himself to draw it; there was something inside him that was stopping him.
Kenneth stared blankly at Steve as he raised the hammer. His glowing red eyes began to flicker as the soul of the scavenger fought for control against the malevolent force that had consumed him. With all his might, Steve brought the hammer down on Kenneth’s head, smashing the helmet into shards and crushing Kenneth’s skull. Steve let go of the hammer and dropped to his knees. All around him, the cultist’s began dropping to the ground, the psychic death scream of the demonic helmet overwhelming them. Steve went to his brother, still somehow alive, sans the top of his head.
“Thank You,” Kenneth whispered, before his eyes became blank and his breathing stopped. One of the hunters approached him, throwing down his axe and disgust.
“What do we do now, Steve?” he asked.
“The only thing we can do, Fagballs,” Steve replied. “We rebuild.”

Terrified!

So school has started and I have been neglecting the Gorehouse Greats collection. Mostly because I have been held prisoner by Tenango for the past three days and do not have access to them. However, before my kidnapping I did manage to watch Terrified! and yes, the exclamation point is completely necessary. I'd give you a basic outline of the plot but frankly, I could not tell you what the hell the plot was supposed to be.

The movie opens with a terrified (ah, I get it) young man being buried alive in concrete by some sort of crazy person with a hood obscuring his face. An older gentleman is in the background, just sort of watching it happen. Like a douche. We then see a couple driving along the road, sputtering some insipid bullshit about something or other. I'm sorry, after watching five of these movies before this I pretty much just tune out most of the dialogue. As they are driving, another car approaches them from the other direction, then moves into their lane and drives right toward them. The wife of the couple freaks out but for some reason the husband is oddly calm about the whole thing. This is not some subtle plot point, I'm pretty sure he was just a terrible actor. They arrive at a restaurant and... hold on. I just realized a major hole in the story, but I'll tell you about it later. The couple talks to the owner of the restaurant, a man named Wesley Blake. Meanwhile, Marge, the hostess of the restaurant is sitting with her boyfriend David and being harassed by two random jerks. Then they leave, having served no purpose in the story. A few minutes later, Marge's other boyfriend, Ken, walks in and explains that he too almost got run off the road by the same crazy driver. They also discuss the man with the black mask from the opening sequence. Apparently the young man who was being buried alive in concrete was Joey, Marge's brother and Ken's best friend. He somehow survived being buried up to his neck in concrete but his mind was broken and he was admitted to a mental hospital. So, I guess there was no physical damage from being buried alive in fucking concrete and then presumably removed with jackhammers. Apparently the older gentleman who watched it go down is a man named Crazy Bill, who lives at a place called Ghost Town. They never really explain what the hell this place is, but it is filled with old western style buildings and is next to a cemetery. Marge decides she wants to go talk to Crazy Bill about what happened to Joey or something. Ken, who is a psychology student doing a paper on the nature of terror, doesn't want to go to Ghost Town because it reminds him of the loss of his best fried Joey. Now, Joey was also Marge's brother but that's not stopping her from going there with her other, non-pussy boyfriend. Mr. Blake makes a comment to Ken about the fact that David might steal Marge from him. Meanwhile, David tells Marge that he doesn't like her dating Ken. I think she is supposed to just be Ken's girlfriend, but she is also dating David. The whole thing is really fucking confusing. Especially when Marge falls asleep in the car and David just starts making out with her while she sleeps. So they get to Ghost Town and, even though they know exactly where Crazy Bill lives, they decide to fuck around in the old, dilapidated buildings for a while. Marge reveals that she is just as much of a pussy as Ken, although it is justified because she is a woman and Ken is (allegedly) a man. While exploring one of the old shacks, David falls through the floor. While he is down there something touches Marge's face and she freaks the fuck out. Then the funeral march starts playing mysteriously and so finally they decide to actually go to Crazy Bill's house. Back in town, the Hollys (the old couple from before) report the crazy driver to the police. The old man angrily informs the sheriff that his wife is upset. The sheriff calmly informs them that this driver just likes to scare people and misses on purpose. Meanwhile Marge and David walk into Crazy Bill's house, uninvited, and David announces their presence by saying "It's David. I've got Marge with me." They see a shadow and this prompts Marge to say "Bill! It's Marge, I'm with David." My guess is that Crazy Bill always thought that Marge and David was a better pairing than Marge and Ken and so they are trying to reassure him that they are together. Either that or the person responsible for writing the dialogue in this movie is an idiot. Throughout all this Marge and David find no evidence that Bill is there, yet remain convinced that he is just fucking with them. Maybe the reason he is called "Crazy" is because he routinely abandons his house with the front door unlocked and then hides when people come in unless they are in the appropriate pairings. However, it turns out that Crazy Bill is dead. Marge and David find his body impaled on one of those spiky Gothic fences. His body is still warm, and so they decide to go tell the sheriff that the killer is, in fact, at the place he was most likely to be at. Back at their car they see that Ken has overcome his fear and go look for Joey. Which seems weird at first until we learn roughly ten minutes later that Joey escaped from the mental hospital. I guess Ken found out about it, and didn't bother explaining himself to Marge and David, who didn't find out this information until the audience does. This is not good storytelling. You have to explain why someone is doing something either before they do it, or while they are doing it. Not ten minutes later. So Marge and David drive off, leaving Ken to explore the place he is terrified of by himself. In their defense they did warn him that the serial killer is there, he just decided to stay anyway because his fear and terror wouldn't let him leave. Really Ken? Because that seems like the opposite of what those feelings should be doing. We then see that the masked maniac is watching them and looking around all suspiciously. In addition to looking for the character that we do not yet know needs to be looked for, Ken is also determined to catch the masked man. He does this by wandering through the dilapidated buildings. The Masked Maniac (as I will be calling him from now on) takes this opportunity to fuck with Ken. He locks him in a room with a couple spiders in it, from which Ken escapes in like ten seconds, leads him on wild goose chases through the saloon, and traps him in an easily escapable basement. Throughout this, Ken remains convinced that the Masked Maniac is actually Joey, despite the fact that he speaks in a much lower voice and, oh yeah, it is already well established that Joey lost his mind. Ken makes repeated attempts to talk to Joey/the Maniac who continues to taunt him and trap him in easily escapable situations. Finally the Maniac catches up to Ken and chokes him into unconsciousness. Meanwhile Marge and David are driving away and Marge recounts how her father was murdered and her mother died in a car accident and it kind of seems like there is someone slowly picking off everyone she loves. She even points out that next on the list would be David and Ken. You know, Ken, the guy they just left in a ghost town that is the confirmed location of the murderer. So they stop at a restaurant or something and while David calls the sheriff Marge chats with another couple and finds out that Joey has escaped from the mental hospital. So, Marge and David decide to go back to Ghost Town to look for him. Because if I got buried alive in concrete the first place I would go is the place it happened. Back at Ghost Town, Ken wakes up in the rain to the maniacal laughter of the Masked Maniac. Despite this, he remains convinced that it is Joey and calls out to him. The Maniac then tells him some stuff that I don't remember but he says it in a really deep, hypnotist like voice. Ken is trapped in a basement and the hooded maniac is blocking the trap door out. Then for some reason, the hooded maniac just wanders off and lets him out. Luckily for him, Ken trips over absolutely nothing only minutes later, giving the Maniac the chance to knock him out and tie him to a chair. Ken easily escapes from the chair, proving once again that the Maniac is just terrible at trapping people in things. Ken breaks a window and escapes from the room, while the Maniac watched him through a hole in the wall. This whole thing seems like a considerably lamer version of Saw. Then there is some maniacal laughter, the Maniac calls out Ken's name in a creepy manner and then he chases Ken into the wilderness or something, leading up to the lamest fight scene I have ever seen. It makes that scene of Captain Kirk fighting that lizard guy seem like the Matrix. At some point, a piece of wood teleports into Ken's hands. The whole scene doesn't really feel like the desperate struggle it is probably supposed to be, it just seems rather silly. Finally the Maniac pulls out the gun that he has apparently had the entire time and starts shooting. Ken locks himself in a jail for protection, but then he sees a noose out one of the windows. The Maniac taunts him and tells him to hang himself, which causes Ken to freak the fuck out. The Maniac then goes on to recount the story of a boy named Charlie that he hanged or something. Ken buggers off and the Maniac cuts down the noose, presumably to use later (spoiler alert: he never takes it out again). Meanwhile Marge and David begin searching for Joey, hoping to find him before the police do. While this is going on Ken has made his way into Crazy Bill's house for some reason. While he searches around for... something, the maniac watches him through a rectangular hole in the wall. Then Ken climbs some random ladder he found and the Maniac runs into the middle of the street for some reason. At this point I was officially bored of Ken running from the Maniac. It's just like a big game of Hide-and-Go-Stare-Creepily-At. Finally the Maniac once again catches Ken and knocks him out. This time he takes the precaution of binding his hands and feet. He takes him to the cemetery and puts him in an open grave. Ken begins hallucinating the voices of his parents arguing about how Ken is a pussy. The Masked Maniac then reveals that his name is Terror! and proceeds to bury Ken alive, though he uses dirt this time. Meanwhile Marge and Ken arrive at Ghost Town and notice Ken's car is missing. They begin their search by shouting his name and then wandering into a random dilapidated church. They hear him scream and at first it seems as if they are going to do nothing. Eventually they decide to go out into the street to shout his name some more. They have no concept of stealth whatsoever. Across the street they see a flashlight pointing at a window, apparently being held by some someone having a seizure.They too suspect that Joey is the Masked Maniac. Yes because apparently he buried himself in concrete. They go into another building and the Masked Maniac walks through the room they are standing in. Apparently none of the characters saw each other because they act like nothing happened. They then see him enter a saloon or something across the street and decide that this is merely a distraction. So they logically decide to go to the place that is furthest from the saloon, the cemetery. This is the most contrived way of advancing the plot I have ever seen. I think the film makers just didn't feel like filming another hour of the Maniac fucking with people in old buildings. At the cemetery, they find Ken partially buried, and determine that he is dead. After all that they just fucking kill off his character. Well played, film makers, well played. As they leave, the maniac comes up behind them and knocks out David, and then chokes Marge into unconsciousness before carrying her off. At this point the sheriffs arrive and find David. They revive him with smelling salts and he calmly sits down in the police car, apparently not caring too much that Marge is missing. The sheriff explains that Joey has been caught and is not longer insane. The reason he escaped is that he remembered who the killer was and decided to go catch him himself. I can see why he and Ken were friends. He told the police that someone lured him to the cemetery by telling him that Marge was in danger and that is when the Maniac caught him. The sheriff, who also mentions that Wesley Blake, Marge's only friend who has not been killed/knocked out, is a ventriloquist, reveals that David's retarded theory from before is completely accurate. Apparently the entire time the Masked Maniac was... *gasp* Wesley Blake! The one who was at the restaurant while the Maniac was running people off the road. WHAT!?!? No. You can't do that. That is retarded. I hate you so much, Terrified! Anyways, so David just calmly chats about being unconscious until the sheriff reminds him that Marge is missing. David gets deputized and they determine that Blake is in the mine. Meanwhile Marge wakes up to see her old pal Wesley Blake, wearing the exact same suit as the Masked Maniac. Luckily for Blake, she is retarded and does not immediately put two and two together. She does get a bit creeped out when Blake starts cradling her in his arms like a baby, trying to kiss her, and muttering like a crazy person about how he is the only one she has left. He also says that he would never hurt her, because apparently strangling her into unconsciousness doesn't count. The police surround the mine while David wanders off somewhere. They order Blake to come out, then burst in, leap to the ground and start wildly firing. David, who somehow got above the underground chamber from outside leaps down into the room as well. The film ends at this point with Blake dead and Marge and David together. Interestingly, the only character who got his own title screen in the credits was Stephen Roberts as Wesley Blake, which was superimposed over a scene of his dead body right before the end. I give this movie a 3 out of 5 for entertainment, and a 0 out of 5 for technical skill.

Nightmare in Wax

So the latest movie I watched in the Walmart Gorehouse Greats collection was called Nightmare in Wax. I was apprehensive at first because I thought it might be similar to Paris Hilton's movie House of Wax. There are some similarities between the two movies, but I think I actually liked House of Wax better, because at least I got to see Paris Hilton get murdered in a hilarious fashion. This film only has one murder, and it is not particularly hilarious.
The movie opens at some sort of party to celebrate the engagement of two actors, Tony DEan and Marie Morgan. The party is hosted by producer Max Black, who is wearing creepy sunglasses that made me think he was blind at first. Now, I actually had to glean these names from the closing credits, because the sound quality of this movie is atrocious and I could not understand a lot of the dialogue. Based on the rest of the movie, I don't think I was missing much. After the party Tony gets dropped off in a parking garage, and the camera becomes the point of view of someone following him. Right before Tony enters an elevator, he turns to face the camera and recognizes whoever it is, shortly before being hypodermic needled and falling to the ground. The title credits then roll over the elevator door repeatedly closing on his limp body in the doorframe, which I personally found hilarious. It then cuts to a wax museum, where the caretaker is leading a tour group. This caretaker is actually my favorite character, he's funny, he's charming, and he isn't as obnoxiously angsty as every other character in the movie. It's a shame he only gets a few minutes of screentime. The latest exhibit at the museum is a set of wax figures of a group of recently disappeared celebrities, to which Tony Dean is soon to be added. Apparently, the police found this just as suspicious as I did and deployed Detective Haskill and his less important partner, Detective Carver. They meet with the master sculptor of the wax museum, a mysterious looking dude with an eyepatch and what are apparently supposed to be burns on his face. The detectives question him, and we see a flashback of the eyepatch guy, who I eventually determined was named Vincent Rinard, before he got the burns and pirate monocle. Apparently he used to be the head makeup artist for Max Black and was in love with Marie Morgan. However when they got to Max, who used to date Marie I guess (like I said, I couldn't understand a lot of the dialogue), he tossed a glass of adult beverage at Vince's face as he was lighting a cigar, causing his head to burst into flames and prompting him to fall screaming out of a window into a convenient swimming pool. After this flashback, the detectives leave Vincent alone after he subtly hints that Max probably did it, and he begins talking to a creepy, very realistic wax head of a blonde woman. Oh, and also he collects shrunken heads, though this isn't really important to the plot beyond establishing him even further as a creepy motherfucker. We then see another flashback of Vincent in the hospital, with bandages covering his face clutching some sort of statue of a head. Marie says something to him about him ignoring her and he smashes the head on the ground. Back in the present, Marie calls up Vincent and says she wants to talk about something. After he gets off the phone with her, it is revealed that Tony Dean is still alive, though he is blue for some reason and has a cut up face. He also keeps mumbling "Hello Marie" over and over again. Then Max decides to pay Marie a visit to try and convince her to be in the new Alfred Herman suspense picture. I'm guessing the name is a shout out to Alfred Hitchcock. Marie refuses because of her grief over the disappearance of Tony. Max begs her to reconsider, claiming that his backers will withdraw from the project if she's not in it. Then Vincent shows up and he and Max have an awkward "Remember that time you set my face on fire" moment. Max leaves and Vincent gives Marie an extremely awkward kiss where he basically grabbed her chin and smushed her face into his. He then takes a seat and she asks him about the wax figure of Tony Dean he is "working on". She wants to have it for herself, and though Vince warns her that she might become a creepy recluse who talks to inanimate objects, you know, like him, he agrees. However, in exchange he wants Marie to model for a new wax figure, which she agrees to, apparently not finding itcreepy at all. That night, the caretaker, Nick, while on his rounds of chatting up the wax figures in a way that is way less creepy than what Vince does, notices that one of the figures of the recently disappeared celbrities blinked at him several times. He goes to tell VIncent, who assures him that he is a filthy, filthy drunk and is seeing things. Nick believes him for some reason, despite being completely sober, and agrees not to tell anyone about it. Once Nick leaves, Vincent has a villainous expository monologue where he tells the wax head he's been talking to that he is actually keeping the celebrities in stasis with some sort of mind control zombie serum. Apparently, if he orders them to stand completely still and not breathe, they will, in fact, not suffocate a few minutes later. Because of science. He then goes to some sort of bar, and we learn that the wax head is actually modelled after a showgirl named Theresa. After she is done dancing she goes and talks to Vincent, revealing that she is incredibly dumb and has an annoying voice. Oh, and also she is an aspiring actress who knows Max Black. She agrees to bring Max by the Wax Museum that night once Vincent finishes her figure. We then cut to the movie set, where Max and Alfred Herman discuss how to get Marie to appear in the picture. They somehow settle on filming part of it at the Wax Museum as a tribute to Tony Dean. I'm nto sure how that works, but OK. So Alfred goes over there and has a nice conversation with Vince about VInce's research into hypnosis and putting people in stasis. Alfred finds nothing weird about that at all and leaves shortly after. That night, Theresa and Max drive over to the Museum, while being followed by a mysterious white car. They get there and go into Vince's workshop, which looks suspiciously like a mad scientist's lab (probably because that's basically what it is). Vince shows off the wax head, and Theresa is fucking orgasmic over how great it is. Vince then serves them wine to celebrate. However, the wine is drugged! Max is paralyzed and Vince takes the opportunity to reveal his nefarious plan, removing the sheet over Tony Dean's head and informing them that he is still alive. Unfortunately, Theresa did not drink her wine so Vince decides to kill her. What follows is the most retardedly drawn out scenes of a killer stalking an attractive blonde woman I have ever seen. She trips over things, she screams, he follows at an excruciatingly slow pace, she fails to escape anyway. There's even a part where he actualyl puts a mask on his hand, and comes up behind her to scare her with it. All done with a completely serious expression on his face. At one point you think he's got her when he gets a noose around her neck but she screams and gyrates her way out of it. Finally, Vince catches up to her and for some reason they make out. Just as Theresa thinks it was all some weird joke, BAM! he murders the shit out of her. Vince then injects Max with the zombie serum, while the producer tells him that he will never get away with it. This isn't just generic good guy rhetoric, as it turns out the white car following him was the two detectives from earlier. Vince takes Theresa's body and steals Max's car, leading the detectives away. During the ensuing chase scene, Vince's creepiness factor skyrockets as he begins talking to the dead body, calling her Marie, and even kissing her at one point. He asks her to scream at one point and then confuses the police siren with a scream, prompting him to cackle maniacally. Finally the chase ends at a dock, and Vince leaves the car. The detectives find the dead body and then go after him. Susoense ensues. The detectives wander into a warehouse, Vince locks them in, and then they easily escape minutes later. He throws a tire into the water to... okay I don't know what he was doing there. Then the detectives wander into the exact same warehouse and he locks them in again. This time, however, they do not escape for some reason and Vince gets away. What follows is an extremely odd scene of Vince just walking along the beach at sunrise. I... don't... know. The next day Marie learns that Max is suspected of murdering Theresa and has disappeared. The Detectives once again pay a visit to the museum, and after remarking that it would be a really weird coincidence if Vince was already working on a MAx figure, they find Max's head, dressed up wit ha clown nose and wig. Seriously. The Detectives leave again, but Haskill decides to hide out in the museum unti after it closes. Marie arrives at the museum and Vince proceeds to lock her in a cabinet, exposing only her head, which is apparently what he has been keeping Tony and Max in. He allows his zombies to breathe and move and then prepares to enact his vengeance on Max by lowerign him slowly into a vat of molten wax. At this point, Detective Haskill notices the other celebrity figures moving into the lab and follows them, where he is thwarted in his attempts to stop them by having his gun knocked into the vat by a knife wielding zombie celebrity. That was a fun sentence to type. The other zombies restrain Haskill as Vince continues to gloat. Suddenly, Max bursts out laughing, and begins taunting Vince. Vince, being an idiot, lunges at him, despite the fact that he is suspended over a god damn vat of molten wax. Vince falls into the vat, and his life flashes before his eyes while the images of the rest of the characters appear above him, all laughing. Then, just like that, the movie ends. WHAT!?! I give this movie a 2 out of 5 for entertainment and a 2 out of 5 for technical skill.

Blood of Dracula's Castle

Now when I first purchased the Gorehouse Greats collection, I had certain expectations in mind. Up until now, the movies I have watched have been bad, but nothing worth writing home about. Blood of Dracula's Castle is exactly what I expected from an old horror movie. It is a terrible movie and I absolutely love it.
To begin with, the quality of the film itself that they used to make the DvD was just awful. There are burns in the film and bright green and blue vertical lines in half the scenes. It sort of looked like some sort of laser prison. I am not complaining, this just adds to the feel of the movie. It's what Tarantino and Rodriguez were trying to replicate with Grindhouse.
The opening scene is of a brutish man dressed in the manner of aa medeival peasant chasing a woman around a forest as the credits roll. He eventually captures her and we see that he is supposed to be some sort of monstrous type guy with really weird make-up that makes him look like he has a sever skin disease. After the opening credits we go to a very fifties-ish Sea World kind of place where a woman, a model, is being photographed by her fiancee, a photographer. IT keeps showing clips of random sea world animals like dolphins and seals and sort of reminds me of one of those fifties documentary/propaganda films about everyday American life. I also noticed that the price of admission was 50 cents for adults and 25 cetns for children, and I find this hilariously dated. I mean, hell there isn't even a keystroke to make that little "cents" symbol anymore, because that is absurdly cheap. Anyways, so the photographer, a Mr.Glen Cannon (awesome name by the way), gets a letter informing him that his uncle has died and left him the family castle. This plot was parodied on Futurama once if I recall. However, the catch is that there is a couple already living in the castle, who used to pay Glen's uncle rent. What Glen doesn't know is that they are *gasp* vampires! We find this out in the next scene which has the monster skin disease man, who is hilariously named Mango bringing the girl he captured at the beginning to a dungeon filled with several other attractive women. Geroge, the vampire couple's butler rewards Mango by letting him take one of the other women back to the Mangocave, where he presumably ate/raped/had a tea party with her. We then learn that these women are actually just a backup supply of blood for the vampires, the Count and Countess Townshend. Their primary supply comes from another of their servants, a man named Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. No, not that Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. Unfortunately Johnny is currently in a mental institution. Luckily he bribes a guard to let him knock him out and escapes. We then cut to a scene where the vampires find out about their new landlords and we learn they sleep in coffins. How Cliche. Meanwhile johnny is on the run from the guards at the mental institute and their dogs! They chase him deep into the wilderness, where Johnny comes across a random woman in a bikini sitting in the middle of a shallow river. Not a quiet, relaxing river, it was fucking rocky rapids with no one else around. Johnny proceeds to pick her up, take her to a different part of the rapids, and drown her. That's what she gets for sunbathing in the middle of the fucking woods. Johnny then follows the river until he loses his pursuers and comes across a man fixing his car. He kills the man, takes his gun and jacket and takes off in the car. Soon he comes across a hitchhiker. Not wanting to pass up the opportunity to murder someone for no reason, he stops, allows the man to approach the car, and shoots him in the head. Then, to add insult to... well, murder, he eats the lunch the guy had with him. Finally he makes it back to the castle where he has a very expositiony conversation wtih George about how they all worship Luna, the moon goddess. Johnny even claims that the full moon is what makes him kill people. Even though the last people he killed, he killed in broad daylight. We then cut to the happy couple, arguing in an extremely obnoxious manner about some inane bullshit on their way to their new castle. Apparently Lis, the model, has decided that they should live in the castle and so they are going to evict the Townshends. They arrive and we see the exterior of the castle, which actually looked to me more like a ranch. They had horses and everything. I guess if it is made of piles of grey stone and has crenellations, it is a castle. The couple goes inside and meets the vampires and explain that they are kicking them out. The Townshends then tell them how fucking retarded trying to live in a castle with no electricity filled with rats, spiders, and who knows what else is. However, Liz wants it, and what Liz wants, Liz gets. Jesus Christ Glen, grow some balls. So while Glen and Liz go check out their bitchin' new castle, Johnny and the Townshends discusss what is to be done and talk about the finer points of vampirism. Glen and Liz spend the night in the castle and are awoken by the tortured screams of young women being tortured. The enxt day they ask Johnny about it and he assures them that it is merely "Toucans". What? Toucans? They live in a fucking desert. Then again, they live in a castle, in a fucking desert. Glen decides to investigate anyway and discovers the dungeon full of women. He and Liz are then captured by the Vampires and their henchmen. Glen valiantly tries to fight his way to freedom by barreling headfirst into Mango's gut. Sadly this does not work out too well for him. Glen and Liz get locked up until that night and the vampires tell that if they do not sign the castle over to them, Liz will be sacrificed to the moon. To demostrate their point, that night they all head out to an altar, including the other prisoners for some reason, and sacrifice the woman from the opening by burning her alive. Glen agrees to sign the castle over and so they head back. However, as he is about to sign he suddenly grabs Johnny's gun and kills him. Since these vampires are apparently vulnerable to bullets, Glen now has the upper hand. He goes downstairs to free the other prisoners and encounters George, wielding a pretty badass whip and morningstar combo. Glen manages to defeat him and free the prisoners. He then goes upstairs and guns down the vampires. Seriously? They died that easy? Well, actually they turned to dust and bats flew out of their shirts, never to be seen again. And so it seems that Glen and Liz are victorious! But wait! Mango! Mango, seeing that everyone he has ever known is now dead, picks up George's morningstar and chases down Glen and Liz for vengeance! Glen tries shootign him but bullets are useless against the mighty Mango! Glen then tries ineffectually tossing the empty gun at Mango, as if a thrown handgun will succeed where several bullets to the chest have failed. Despite being incredibly slow, Mango somehow catches up to them, knocks out Glen, and takes Liz to be sacrificed at the altar. As he is covering her with gasoline, Glen sneaks up behind him and finds an axe that is lying in the bushes for some reason and lodges it in the piece of wood clearly visible in the back of Mango's shirt. He then pours gasoline on the monster, activates soem fire effects on his body, and kicks him off a cliff, where he spontaneously transforms into a crappy mannequin before hitting the ground. These are seriously some of the worst effects I have ever seen. I give this movie a 4 out of 5 for entertainment, and a -6 out of 5 for technical skill.