Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 316

Well we meet again, faceless reader type persons. I know last week, or whenever it was I last posted, you were all like "Dr. Thunder! Without your wisdom in the form of replies to emails, we will wither and die!" Well readers-- "WITHER AND DIE!" this week I am-- "WITHER!" gonna answer--- "DIIIIIIEEEEE!"
Ok you done now? "YES." Ok. So anyway this week, I am going back to the usual format of reading real emails you disgusting people sent in and then making fun of you. Our first email comes from Randy in Connecticut. "Wither and die."

Dear Dr. Thunder.
This coming election is the most important thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. Who are you going to vote for? Barack Obama or Tall Shiny Hair Man. Danke schon!

The Most Important Thing Ever

Well Stephen I have decided not to participate in democracy this season, as I have for the past 480 years. The thing is, democracy in the United States, isn't really a thing. Democracy is when everyone gets a vote for everything. What we have is a republic, where we elect a series of reprehensible people to make decisions that benefit them personally and sometimes, often by accident, the people who elected them. The founding fathers decided that the people they fought to liberate from the mild inconvenience of British tyranny were far too stupid to have any actual power so they came up with a system where that power would go to charismatic douche-bags instead. Now, obviously these are generalizations. But you probably don't know what that word means. You're probably picturing those previous statements in tiny peaked hats with little stars and those brushy shoulder things. They are called epaulets.
As for the presidential election, voting, on an individual level is basically the most pointless way to waste an afternoon that doesn't involve genitalia. Let's look at it this way. Let's say I live in California, in the hills behind Michael Armor's house so I can sneak in at night and secretly shave off a square inch of body hair every other week. Not that I am admitting to such, in case any ex-wives or the inhuman greed engines they call lawyers are reading.
Now let's say I wanted to vote for Mr. Obamington or whatever the president's name is. Woo! Hooray! The democrats take California and all 60 of it's votes go to the President. Now let's say I want to vote for Romnington. Woo! Hooray! The democrats take California and all 60 of it's votes go to the President.
You see, in a state like California where one party has a clear majority, voting for either candidate is completely and utterly pointless. If you vote for the majority party, they were going to win anyway, so good for you. If you vote for the minority party, they aren't going to win, your candidate will receive approximately zero additional votes, and you should probably just kill yourself.
"But Dr. Thunder! If no one votes, then how will we determine who the next President is? Without a President we will be easily assimilated by Canada!"
Don't worry. The elderly will still vote. And the hardcore partymembers. You could literally nominate a trained bear that has been dead for six months as a candidate for one of the two major parties and it would get at least 40% of the vote.
"But Dr. Thunder! This is an important decision we can't just leave to borderline fanatics and old people!"
No, it really isn't. Thanks to your system of checks and balances, the President doesn't have nearly as much power as he should have. Plus, he's not going to do anything too radical because he and his friends have to win another popularity contest in four years time.
So this year, do what I do. Stay home, crack open a bottle of stolen wine, and plant scorpion eggs in Michael Armor's laundry hamper.

Democracy!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
My friend was abducted by aliens. I am putting a team together to get him back. Will you join us?

Savages!

Well Stephen, if it really was aliens, then sure. As a scientist I am morally obligated to investigate new forms of life and then kill them, dissect them, and write papers on their remains. However, the concept of aliens visiting our planet is frankly mind-bogglingly retarded. Like my mind is literally boggled so hard right now it is difficult to type. Let's look at this piece by piece. First of all, we already checked all the nearby planets for life and they are as inhospitable as Lindsay Lohan's vagina. Which means that if there is extraterrestrial life they would have to be at least a few hundred light years away. And let's say they have the technology to reach the speed of light, which is the fastest anything can go. Now, hurtling through space at those speeds would mean that if they hit even the tiniest speck of dust it would tear their ship to pieces like a hammer through a baby's skull.
But let's say they for some reason have a ship that can not only go the speed of light but also either navigate with unimaginable precision. Coolio. Kudos to the artificial intelligence that will be piloting the ship. Because there is no way in hell an alien is going out into space for several hundred years. Mars is in our fucking backyard on a grander scale and we're sending robots there like an old guy who sits on his porch and pays the neighborhood kids to bring him his paper.
Ok so their robot gets here. What possible reason would they have to abduct anyone? They're sure as hell not going to bring them back to their planet. If they sent anything, it would probably be a passive observer because no alien society in their right mind would fund anything more elaborate than that when there is no guarantee that it's even going to find anything. And if they already had a way of seeing us before they sent the probe then why send it at all? If they've mastered space travel then they will know that we are actually several hundred years in the future of what they are seeing and for all they know our planet could have been destroyed by the time we got there.
Anyway, I'm tired of talking about this. Because I hate you now. I am going to find you, and kill you. I hope you're happy now. Next email.

Dear Dr. Thunder
What is your zombie survival plan?

Zombie?

 Well Stephen my plan is to sit down in a chair, lock my front door and then jerk off for about six hours until the U.S. military and the CDC completely eradicates the zombies. Seriously, have you seen the kind of weapons we have? Even if the government was somehow caught off-guard, everyone and their grandma knows what a zombie is and how to kill it. Hell, there is a HUGE segment of the population, probably including you has a "zombie survival plan" and a shitload of weapons and they are just itching for an excuse to murder random strangers. The zombies wouldn't last ten minutes. Why do you think every zombie movie and TV show starts AFTER the apocalypse because there is no realistic way that it could happen.
Well, I have to go hunt down the guy who wrote the second email and kill his whole family now. SO until next time, you keep sending those emails, and I'll keep pretending to read them.

Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 315

So this week, instead of answering your stupid emails about bullshit, we're doing things a little differently. As you all know, I recently edited a collection of short stories that went on to win the prestigious Dr. Thunder Award for Things That Make Dr. Thunder Slightly Richer.
 Available here. Buy 10 copies.
However, the royalties I was contractually obligated to receive were somewhat less than I had expected. So I called up the shithead who wrote the stories and demanded that he publish another, better book, that I would name, edit, and receive all the credit for. So he did and now we're bringing him on as a special guest to talk about it. Well, special in the sense that he thinks he can write, like roughly 90% of the population.

Please welcome spite-fueled engine of self-destruction, Michael Armor.
How am I a "spite-fueled engine of self-destruction"?
Well you continue to insist that I am merely a character you created yes? So you are essentially talking to yourself?
Yes.
Well, then you just called ytourself a spite-fueled engine of self-destruction. That sounds pretty spiteful and self destructive to me.
Touche
This is America, we speak English here. If you don't like it you can return to whatever sandy hell hole you hail from.
First of all, I am American, second of all, this is the internet, which isn't technically America.
You just keep telling yourself that.
Can we talk about the book?
Sure, so you're a terrible writer. Which is a shame because it always seem like you are on the verge of not terrible, then you just add in a little hot glaze of failure that brings the whole work down.
Well, you know that`s the sort of thing an editor is supposed to catch so I can fix it.
Which is why I'm telling you.
Several months after the book was published.
I gave you notes!
You sent the proof copy back four hours after I gave it to you with a sticky note that said "Sounds Good" and a crude drawing of me getting sexually assaulted by a bear.
That's not true. He was raping you. That is a very specific kind of sexual assault. And I am pretty sure you were enjoying it. Anyway, that's all in the past, I will do a much better job on your next books.
Books?
Yep, you're writing two now.
But I haven't even finished the novel yet.
Oh he's writing "novels" now. Fancy. Just slap some of that crap you write in your spare time together and put a fancy title on it. I'm thinking "The Humble Magnificence of Dr. Thunder" or maybe "The Undeniable Glory of Dr. Thunder."
Or, you know, something relevant.
Ah! but you gave me the rights to name it!
Which isn't a real thing.
And to boost sales I will even include MY latest story, "Dr. Handsome Protagonist and the Temple of Being 
Better Than You In Every Way"
What, me personally?
No, just everyone.
So why exactly are we doing this when the book isn't even done yet?
Books.
Fine, books.
Because I haven't updated the blog in a while and if I have to sift through more emails from cretins asking me why other cretins won't fuck them I'm going to shoot someone.
Ok, so what do you want me to say? The novel's almost done, I'm probably half way through enough stories to fit another one. 
Tell them how pretty the books are going to be when you publish them. And I want my picture on the back this time. And the front.
Whatever, I'm probably going to have someone else edit them this time.
How dare you! I will hunt them down and kill their whole families with a spoon.
No you won't because you don't exist.
Boy you are just dead set on convincing the world you are a crazy person who talks to himself.
I guess I really am kind of a spite-fueled engine of self-defeat.
Self-destruction. 
Whatever. Buy my book.

Well that was insightful and a little depressing! Tune in whenever I feel like it for the next exciting installment of Ask Dr. Thunder. You keep sending those emails, and I'll keep pretending to read them! Unless I decided to interview a delusional jackass instead!

Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 314

Hello my inexplicably loyal, possibly non-existent friends! I haven't had a chance to make a new episode in a while because I got involved with Doctors Without Borders and they sent me to Morocco. I later realized that the organization had nothing to do with bringing back the bankrupt bookstore Borders and was, in fact, some sort of dumb charity thing. Long story short, I am now supreme emperor for life of about 3 villages in Morocco that seceded from the government. Perhaps I will be back someday, at least to see how the eugenics is going. But in the meantime my only duty is to you and your nagging, frivolous emails. I was a god to those people. A GOD. Let's get started!

THESE ARE MY HANDS! THEY ARE LIFE AND DEATH!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
My office is doing a Secret Santa this year and as luck would have it I get to buy a gift for a girl I have had a crush on since I started working here. I asked her friends about her and they say she is a gamer. I don't play any video games so I don't really know what to get her! Can you help?
Tom

First of all, I'd like to address my fanbase as a whole: enough with the god damn relationship questions. I am not Will Smith in Hitch. I am a medical doctor and 5 seconds of my time is worth more than the lives of you and your whole family.
Anyways Steven, Secret Santa is a great way to build teamwork and camaraderie in any workplace. There's nothing like seeing the look on the faces of children as you round them up and reveal that Santa isn't real. It also serves the community by establishing early on that their parents are not to be trusted, only the cold reality of the system can show them the truth. I have never exchanged gifts before but I can see how that can add an extra layer of heartbreak on to the whole experience.
The fact that her friends told you she was a "gamer" tells me they are either vapid whores who know nothing about their friend or actively trying to thwart your attempt to put your dick inside of her. Saying someone is a "gamer" is meaningless in this day and age. Two people could both view themselves as "gamers" but have absolutely zero cross over in the games they play. There are RPG gamers, PC gamers, FPS gamers, RTS gamers, and lots of overlapping sub-categories. Hell I bet those assholes who clog up facebook with their retarded "free" games could be considered gamers. Have you tried actually talking to this person, getting to know them, and then making a decision based on that instead of asking a complete stranger on the internet? Or you could just get that bitch a gift card. Bitches love gift cards.

Oh good! It's like a less useful version of money!

Dear Dr.Thunder,
I believe that gay marriage is wrong but my friends all act like I am some sort of bigot. Is there any way to make them see things my way?

Well, Steven, normally I am against people who are different than me being happy but I actually support gay marriage. Now, I have been married to 112 women, 1 Victorian ghost trapped in a mirror, and 1 Truckasaurus so I am probably not in any position to judge a guy for marrying another guy. I stopped believing in the "sanctity of marriage" the second or third time I got married to avoid paying for dinner. Did you know that a lot of restaurants will comp your meal if you propose? This is especially useful to me, since the only currency I carry is tiny, solid gold statues of myself. And it's a lot less trouble than burning the place to the ground.

Getting back to the issue at hand, gay marriage provides a valuable service to the community. It removes the number of men available to marry women. Every year thousands of gay men marry women either to hide their sexuality or receive benefits like insurance or tax relief. This means that there are thousands of women who can't marry me. That's just unacceptable. Plus, I'd hate for Michael Armor to die alone when he finally comes out of the closet. I don't know how he has time to watch all those movies with all the covert dude banging he is no doubt engaged in all the time. Like some kind of buttsex ninja. Write a book about that, Michael Armor.

Michael Armor. Both of them.

Dear Dr. Thunder,
I recently stopped drinking caffeine because my wife told me how terrible it is for you. The only problem is that I need to stay up all night for my job. You see, I work for a talking horse who lives inside a boulder that tells me to break into the houses of U.S. Congressmen and poison their food with mercury. Are there any alternatives to caffeine you can suggest?

Well Stephen, you're in luck. I have a new energy drink specially developed for people like you! Dr. Thunder's Atomic Bastard Sauce is scientifically proven to keep you awake better than any other brand! Unfortunately, it was banned by the FDA shortly after release because one of the ingredients was Hitler Blood. Not the Hitler, but a Hitler. You know what they say, you can't make an omelet without exsanguinating the relatives of a long dead German dictator. Luckily I have devised a recipe so you can make it at home! Just combine 6 ounces of Mountain Dew Livewire, 2 ounces of gin, 3600 milligrams of Modafinil and 4 milligrams of plutonium and you have something that's almost as good as the real thing! You'll be up for days at a time, trying desperately to stop the waking nightmares that torment you at every turn! For added authenticity, feel free to add a few drops of blood from an angry German.

I am from Germany and I am not happy about it.

Well that's all the emails I am willing to read this time. Remember to keep sending those emails, and I will keep pretending to read them!

Movies with Just Michael: Mid-Summer Round up

Thanks to a number of deals involving cheap movie tickets in theaters around my particular area of residence, I have watched a number of movies over the past couple weeks. It occurred to me that I am, in fact, a film student, and so I decided I will review all the movies I saw! For convenience purposes, I will list them in ascending order of whether or not I liked them. Descending? I'm starting with the one I liked the least and going to the one I liked the best. Cool?
# 5- Savages (Oliver Stone)

Based on a song from Disney's Pocahontas

So Savages is about two dudes who grow pot, one a peace-loving buddhist, botanist, and businessman, and the other a violent former Navy SEAL. Who are both in love with Blake Lively and must fight for her affections and... no... wait... I guess they share her? What the hell? Anyway, she gets kidnapped by Eva Mendez and her powerful Mexican drug cartel who are crushing any competition-- no, I guess they just wanted to make a deal with them. And there is actually a more powerful cartel that will soon muscle them out of the game. And Eva Mendez's character cares more about her daughter than she does about her business. Not exactly a quality you want in your ruthless cartel leader. Well surely that other cartel will... do basically nothing. Eva's lieutenant, played by Benicio Del Toro is sneaky, murderous, and a little bit crazy and a much better villain than Mendez. But Darth Vader isn't supposed to be scarier than the Emperor. That and the disappointing lack of action make this my least favorite movie of the week. I recommend a rental, but I wouldn't pay full price in a theater. I give it 5 jars of marijuana out of 10.
#4- Rock of Ages (Adam Shankman)

Diego Boneta? More like Diego BONERta.

Rock of Ages is a musical about a small town girl living in a lonely world who took the midnight... bus... going to Hollywood, where she meets a city boy, born and raised in... didn't specify. Love ensues! If you like 80s rock and/or the show Glee then this is the movie for you. The love story is a little cliched but Tom Cruise gives an excellent performance as a crazy person. At least I hope it was a performance... It also has Bryan Cranston in it, who seems to be in a lot of movies these days. Good for you Bryan Cranston! Finally escaping the shadow of Frankie Muniz. Russell Brand was definitely my favorite part of the movie so it definitely could have used more of him. There were also a lot of sub-plots going on and at times it got a little hard to keep track of but overall it was a pretty enjoyable experience. I would say see it if there is a deal going on. I give it 7 bitchin' guitar solos out of 10.
#5 Ted (Seth MacFarlane)

Ha! That Teddy Bear is consuming alcohol! Teddy Bears don't usually drink alcohol!

Are you a fan of Family Guy/American Dad/The Cleveland Show? Then you will probably like this movie. Luckily, I am indeed a fan of MacFarlane's other work, to a certain degree. The story is about a young boy who wishes for his teddy bear to come to life as a kid and then grows into Mark Wahlberg. As an adult he has to balance his relationship with Ted, his best friend since childhood, and his girlfriend, played by Mila Kunis. Eventually Mila Kunis makes him choose between her and Ted and he has to grow up blah blah blah. We've seen stories like this before. That being said, there are some really funny moments in this movie, the kind of humor found in MacFarlane's shows. I especially like Patrick Stewart's opening narration, and a cameo by Flash Gordon star Sam Jones. Oh and it has my best friend Joel McHale in it, playing an even douchier version of Jeff Winger! I'd see this one in the theaters, if you get a chance, but I wouldnm't make it a priority. I give it 7 Hawkmen out of 10.
#3 The Amazing Spider-Man (Marc Webb)

The next reboot will presumably be called The Super Amazing Spider-Man

First of all, Marc Webb? Seriously? His name is Webb? CRAZY. Anyways... So inevitably this is going to be compared to Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy so I might as well jump on that band-wagon. I think I prefer this one to Raimi's. We get to see more of Peter's backstory and the emotions he goes through following the death of his uncle. I also like the more realistic, sympathetic reaction by Flash Thompson (who may be getting a Venom spin-off) to Peter's grief compared to the usual portrayal of bully characters as All-Dickhead All-the-time. In terms of love interest, I definitely like Emma Stone better. She seemed more competent than Kirsten Dunst who's role was basically to get kidnapped. Instead of J. Jonah Jameson's relentless spidey hating we have Gwen Stacy's father, played by Denis Leary, who, as a police chief, actually has a motivation to dislike Spider-man. There are a few flaws, like Gwen Stacy becoming Peter's girlfriend with basically no effort on his part, and Dr. Connors going REALLY crazy, REALLY fast.  However, I would definitely recommend seeing this one in theaters. I give it 8 radioactive spiders out of 10.
#1(tie) Moonrise Kingdom (Wes Anderson)

Directed by Michael Bay

Wes Anderson is one of those directors with a very distinctive style. A style that, to be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of. However, I loved this movie. It had a weird quirky charm to it that just appeals to me for some reason. Plus it's got Bill Murray in it, always a plus. The story centers around Sam and Suzy, played by unknowns Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward, as they run away from their lives to live together in their own little world. Which would be fine if they weren't twelve. Their disappearance triggers a manhunt across the tiny New England Isle where they live involving Sam's scout troop, the local law, and Suzy's parents that causes everyone to think about their lives in a very Wes Andersony kind of way. The two kids give great performances in my opinion and I expect we will be seeing more of them in the future, though hopefully not just in Wes Anderson's posse. I would definitely see this one in theaters. I give it 9 shirtless Bill Murrays out of 10

#1(tie) Brave (Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman)

Do they not have combs in Scotland?

Brave may seem like a typical Disney princess movie at first glance but there are some interesting subversions. For example, this is one of the few Disney movies with an intact set of parents by the end of the film! Merida is also the only Disney princess who doesn't have a prince! Even Mulan, which had similar themes of a woman proving herself in a man's world, had... whats his face... the general guy. I think he was a general. Not important though! Merida has no love interest! Which automatically makes her a lesbian, according to some. Really though, the story isn't about Merida and the man who will come into her life and solve all her problems. And it isn't about proving that women can do anything men can either. At it's heart this is a story about a girl and her mother and the relationship they share. And also bears. I would definitely recommend seeing this one in theaters, especially if you are a Disney/Pixar fan. I give it 9... arbitrary ratings units... out of 10.

Dr. Thunder Episode 313

Hello! And welcome to Ask Dr. Thunder. Ecuador's number one news channel since 1968. Now, at this point you probably expect long gaps between posts, but I had a really good reason this time. You see, I was gearing up to grab a handful of emails out of the bag (I have an assistant print them out, then give them to another assistant, who types them up and saves each one to a floppy disk) and grace you with my advice, but then I found a bit of string. So you can see how that would take priority. But, I forgot where I put the string down so it's time to bring the Thunder! Let's get started!

 

You will live on in my heart Bit of String... Always...

Dear Dr. Thunder,
My name is Jimmy. I am 8 years old. My best friend Mark's birthday is coming up and I know he loves to read. I also know he fucked my wife. Is there a gift I can get him that shows I care, but that will also slowly murder his brain with word-violence, leaving him a brain-dead vegetable who can be easily robbed?

Well Steven, you're in luck! Mexican theme park janitor Michael Armor has recently published a book! Like with words and everything. Now normally, I wouldn't recommend this book to my worst enemies. Because they are all dead. Some I killed personally, some from natural causes, but in any case, none are alive enough to read. But for your worst enemy? Absolutely. Buy him a hundred copies. Use his credit card. Why? Because my contract states that I get all the royalty money. And it also classifies it as extortion, which is not a form of income eligible for alimony! SUCK IT KAREN! You can buy the book here: https://www.createspace.com/3888491. Over and over again. And then make your friends buy copies. Seriously Jimmy, if we don't sell five thousand copies I will personally come to your town and confiscate your large intestine. Next email!

Look at it sitting there. Like a slut.

Dear Dr. Thunder,
So I have a crush on one of my friends but I talked to her about and she said she is only interested in me as a friend. Is there any way to make her attracted to me?

Well Steven, I can't say I can relate, because there is no such thing as a woman who is not attracted to Dr. Thunder. There are only women who do not yet realize how incredibly attracted to Dr. Thunder they are. No one is as charming, handsome or a doctor-y as I am. That being said, attraction is a chemical reaction in the brain caused by your immune system reacting to their immune system. So if you have the BEST immune system, you will get ALL the women. I would expose yourself to as many diseases as you possibly can to toughen up your immune system. Or, you know, just become absurdly wealthy. That's what I did!

What sucks is there's no room in my garage to park my Lamborghinuses

Dear Dr. Thunder,
You've made it clear that Michael Armor is a terrible person. Why do you hang out with him then? Surely someone as awesome as you can get better friends. Or at the very least pay people to be your friend. People like me, for example.

The thing about Michael Armor, is that even though he is ugly, untalented, an all-around terrible person, and possibly the last member of an extinct race of ape-men, he is still my best friend. Most of the people I encounter on a daily basis are my underlings, who fear and worship me, my legal staff, who are all greedy buzzkills, and vagina delivery units, who I lose interest in almost immediately after coitus and/or marriage. Michael is the only person who really understands me! Even if he does constantly insist that I am fictional. Though I berate him constantly, it is only for character building reasons! And not the nerdy kind with dice and spreadsheets, but the manly kind with mud and arson. The truth is, I would kill 8 men for that guy, no more, no less. So if you fuck with him I will not only kill you, but, if you have no family or friends, 7 random strangers.

The coxswain will live. Because coxswain is a funny word.

 So that's all the time we have for today. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. And I must say you are terrible at it. I don't know if there was a vote or something, but you are doing an awful job of it. In fact, why are you reading this? Shouldn't you be in the forest? YOU MUST REMAIN EVER VIGILANT. Until next time, keep sending those emails and I'll keep pretending to read them. Buy my book. https://www.createspace.com/3888491

Johnny Cactus

“Sweet Cactus Jesus, it is HOT!” Johnny said, as he stared up at the mid-day sun. Johnny was a 10 foot saguaro cactus, the only one around for miles.

                “Oh my god, I think I’m blacking out,” replied Jeffrey, the cactus mouse who, three hours ago, had slipped and impaled his back left leg on one of Johnny’s spines.

                “Do you ever stop bitching Jeffrey? Like, seriously? Is there like an off switch I can flip?” Johnny sighed and looked once again up at the unforgiving sun. Johnny hated the sun. For as long as he could remember, he had wanted to live in a nice, shady forest, maybe somewhere in Germany. Instead he was stuck here, in some god-forsaken desert in the American southwest. The only interesting thing that ever happened was occasionally some drunken teenagers would come out to the desert and have bonfires and parties. But did they ever offer Johnny a beer? No.

                “Fucking teenagers he muttered. Am I right Jeff?”

                “I can’t move the toes on my leg anymore. I… I think the nerves are dead.”

                “Stop trying to make everything about you Jeffrey.”

                Johnny once again resumed his favorite activity, willing his roots to move. He focused all his energy into lifting those roots, all of his dreams, and desires and his pain from the awful heat, his anger at the big flaming bastard in the sky. He could feel his roots twitching, the cellulose contracting. Just a bit more…

                “I have a family…” Jeffrey muttered, “I have sixteen children…”

                “God damn it Jeffrey!” Johnny said, “I am THIS close to escaping this blazing hell and you are just ruining it.”

                “I’m so thirsty…”

                “I bet you are Jeffrey. Maybe if you would keep your mouth shut for one second, you wouldn’t be so dehydrated. Now shut up and let me do this!”

                Johnny went back to concentrating on his roots and, sure enough, he felt them begin to move. With a girlish squeal of delight Johnny lifted himself off the ground on his roots. He swayed for a second and then dropped himself back down.

                “I did it Jeffrey! Now if I can just…”

                He lifted himself once again and slowly but surely inched forward on his roots.

                “Yes!” he shouted, “Yes! I’m moving! We’re getting the hell out of here Jeffrey!”

                “I think the bleeding’s finally stopped but the leg is dead.” Jeffrey sobbed.

                “Wow Jeff, way to take my big moment and make it all about you. Great job.” 

                With some practice, Johnny was able to shuffle himself forward a foot, then a another, and another, and soon he was marching across the desert at a brisk pace.

                “I can’t believe it!” He cried, as he shuffled through the desert, “I’m walking! The world is my oyster!” Soon he was able to swing his arms back and forth as well. Once the initial obstacle of walking was overcome he found that he had complete kinetic control of his massive body, down to the last spine.

                He laughed as he practiced going up and down sand dunes, he found a few scattered bushes and smashed them with his spiny arms, sucking the moisture from their broken bodies with the pores of his arms.

                “Shit yeah Jeff! I am a predator now!” He shouted, “Nothing can stop us now!”

                “I just… I just want to see my family again.” Jeffrey moaned, “I just want them to know I’m still alive.”

                “That’s right Jeff! We’re really alive now! We’re mobile, and there’s nothing in this world that can stop us.”

                As night began to fall, Johnny found a nice spot near an outcropping of rocks and settled down for the night.

                “Tomorrow Jeff,” he said, as he drifted into his nocturnal respiration cycle, “Tomorrow our lives begin!”

                “Please… just kill me.”

                The next day, Johnny took off across the desert, heading in the direction the teenagers took when they returned from the desert, leaving behind a trail of red plastic cups, empty kegs, and used condoms. Soon he came across a road.

                “We’ll need wheels if we’re gonna get anywhere Jeff!” Johnny said, as Jeffrey moaned softly in response. Johnny positioned himself near the side of the road and waited. After about twenty minutes Johnny spotted a car coming down the road. Johnny giggled with glee as it approached. When it was within about a hundred yards Johnny toppled himself into the road. The car jerked to a stop to avoid hitting him. After a few minutes of deliberation the couple in the car got out, intent finding a way to remove Johnny from their path.

                “Watch this buddy!” Johnny whispered to Jeffrey.

                As the man bent down, his hands wrapped in a jacket to protect him from Johnny’s spines, Johnny lashed out with an arm, smashing it into the man’s face. The woman screamed as Johnny bashed his spiny arm into the man’s face again and again. The woman tried to drag her companion away, but Johnny pushed off with another arm, rolling heavily over the man and bringing another arm down on the woman’s shoulder. A few more whacks and Johnny pierced some sort of artery, causing blood to spray all over him. Johnny happily sucked the moisture from the blood and then began sucking the man below him dry. Once he was sure the couple was dead, Johnny carefully pushed himself off the man.

                “There we go! We have a car now!” Johnny said as he shoved himself in through the door.

                “You’re a monster.” Jeffrey said, wiping blood from his tiny, furry face.

                “Real mature Jeff.” Johnny said, contorting himself into the car. He reached a pair of arms down to reach the pedals and placed another on the steering wheel. He depressed the accelerator and they were off, the lower part of his body still jutting forth from the side door.

                “Next stop, Germany!” Johnny said as they took off down the road.

                “Every second is agony.” Jeffrey replied.

According to Plan

                Wendy Wallace, reporter for The Daily Inquisitor, had been taken prisoner.  Commander Terror laughed as his Terror Troops tied her securely to a metal chair, deep within the center of the Terror Fortress.

                “You’ll never get away with this! Gigaman will stop you!” Wendy shouted at the super villain, her blonde curls bobbing as she struggled to escape the ropes confining her.

                “That’s where you’re wrong, Ms. Wallace!” Commander Terror boomed, his voice amplified by the skull mask he wore over his disfigured face. “My Fortress is impregnable to the likes of him!” He gestured with his arms to encompass the fortress around him, sweeping back his black cloak. Everywhere Wendy looked, Terror Troops swarmed, wearing black berets and skull masks and carrying deadly laser rifles. Many sat at consoles, overseeing the operation of the base and its many defenses. Across from Wendy was the main door, made from reinforced concrete. A pair of Terror Troops manned two giant laser cannons aimed directly at the door.

                “Nothing’s impregnable to Gigaman! He can… pregnate… anything!” Wendy said.

                “I don’t think that’s a word.” Commander Terror said, “You’re a journalist, Yes? No wonder the newspaper industry is failing.”

                “The only thing failing today is you!” Wendy retorted.

                “Ok, that one was a little better.” Commander Terror nodded in approval, then quickly struck a menacing pose, “But it is Gigaman who will fail! No one can infiltrate the Terror Fortress! First, he will have to make it across my Terror Moat, filled with my deadly Terrorcudas! Their saliva, infused with Vanadium, his one weakness!”

                “Do you have to put Terror in front of everything you own?”

                “It’s a theme!” Commander Terror said, clenching his fist in rage, “Next, he will have to make it through my Ter… my Horror Labyrinth! A winding maze filled with deadly traps from which no man has ever escaped! There he will have to contend with the Terrortaur! A half man, half goat monstrosity!”

                “I thought it was supposed to be half-bull…”

                “That’s the MINOTAUR. This is the TERRORTAUR. If by some chance he makes it past the labyrinth, he will face a legion of my finest Terror Troops, led by my dreaded lieutenant, Doom Quixote!”

                “Gigaman will defeat him, just like he defeated the rest of your vile henchmen!”

                “Ah! But that’s not even the worst of what I have in store for—“

                “Uh, excuse me sir.” One of the terror troops tapped Commander Terror on the shoulder, “We have a situation.”

                “What is it you fool!” The super villain spat, “You’re interrupting my villainous monologue!”

                “Well, it’s just Gigaman showed up a few minutes ago…”

                “Ah! He’s already here!” He turned back to Wendy, “Now you will witness his demise, as his futile attempt to rescue you fails!”

                “Well, it’s sort of already failed.” The Terror Troop said, staring awkwardly at his polished black boots.

                “What do you mean?”

                “Well, he’s already dead.” The man said nervously, “Terrorcudas got him. I guess infusing their saliva with Vanadium did the trick.”

                “DEAD!” Commander Terror roared, “Impossible! Gigaman has the strength and agility of a billion men! This is clearly some kind of ploy.”

                “Well that’s what we thought too. We sent a couple guys out to investigate and he’s definitely dead. We even stabbed him a couple times with those Vanadium edged knives you gave us. Steve cut his head off to make sure.”

                “Well then, clearly it is an impostor!”

                “We thought of that, and he does look an awful lot like Rick Stone, reporter for The Daily Inquisitor, but his skin was bulletproof and everything.”

                “Gigaman was Rick Stone?” Wendy cried out, tears forming in her eyes.

                “Well, obviously,” Commander Terror said, “The only thing he did to disguise himself was put on a fake mustache. A fake mustache that was the wrong color, might I add.”

                “I can’t believe he’s really gone!” Wendy sobbed.

                “Yeah, me neither.” Commander Terror said, scratching his head in confusion, “So he didn’t even make it to the Terror Labyrinth?”

                “I thought you said it was called the—“

                “I LIED. It’s the fucking Terror Labyrinth.”

                “No sir,” the minion replied, “Made it to the other side of the moat and then just died on the shore from Vanadium poisoning. On a semi-related note, a lot of the Terrorcudas are dead too, but I think that’s mostly genetic defects from the whole, infusing them with Vanadium thing.”

                “After I spent all that money on that stupid Terrortaur!”

                “Yeah that thing’s dead too. I’m surprised it survived as long as it did, with all that mental retardation and the brain tumors… we really need some better geneticists or something around here.”

                “Yeah yeah…” Commander Terror stared at the ground, deep in thought, “Does Doom Quixote know yet?”

                “Yeah, he actually wanted me to tell you that he was taking the rest of the afternoon off, I think he’s taking some of the Terror Troops to Hooters.”

                “Well, I guess that’s okay since apparently we don’t have to fight Gigaman today…”

                “So what do we do now?”

                “I… don’t know. I didn’t actually expect things to go this well. Hell, I already have my escape rocket prepped for launch.”

                “What about me?” Wendy asked, tears still streaming down her face.

                “Uh… good question.” Commander Terror said, looking the spunky reporter up and down.

                “Can I go?”

                “Sure. Why not. I suppose we don’t really need you anymore.” He walked over and undid her bonds, “Sorry about all this.”

                “No no,” Wendy stood up and stretched. She had stopped crying. “Now that I think about it Gigaman was kind of a douche.”

                “Right?” Commander Terror said, walking Wendy toward the door, “That’s what I keep telling everyone!”

                “He was so uptight!” Wendy continued, “He threw a hissy fit whenever I so much as went above the speed limit! And not telling me he was Rick Stone? What the hell?”

                “No relationship can work without trust.” Commander Terror nodded, as the massive concrete door swung open.”

                “I guess I was really just in it for the glamor of dating a superhero.”

                “I don’t blame you.” Terror Commander said, “Say, this is gonna sound crazy, but are you doing anything tomorrow night? You wanna grab a drink?”

                “I don’t see why not,” Wendy said, as the super villain escorted her to an emergency exit, “I mean, I’m really digging the whole power thing you’ve got going on.”

                “I get that a lot.” Commander Terror said, as he opened a small door that led out into the city streets, “I’ll pick you up at eight, in the Terror Maserati.”

                “Sounds good.” Wendy said, “But if it’s okay with you, can we just call it the Maserati?”

THE END