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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 307

So it seems "Michael Armor" has once again posted on my glorious site with his film related bullshit. Further muddying the distinction between my handsome self and that long- armed Guatemalan broom jockey. I mean come on, it's not like I have a torso so large my ribcage can be used to house a family of Siberian Nomads!

And I hear he molests horses. Well two can play the "comment on contemporary media" game! It's time for Ask Dr. Thunder.

Dear Dr. Thunder,
What do you thi9nk of the new Blink 182 album?


Well, Steven, in a word: Awful. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Blink 182, or at least I did. I listened to Neighborhoods with high expectations as other fans of their work seemed to love it. "Classic Blink" They told me. Whores and Liars. I may not have heard every Blink song, but this album sounds like none of the ones trhat I have heard. It's full of synth and random indistinguishable sounds that aren't quite instruments and piano! GODDAMN PIANO. It reminds me of Angels and Airwaves, whose music I hate with the white hot passion of an exploding sun. The old songs you can tell were just Mike Hopper, Tommy Long and DJ AM playing their actual guitar/bass/drums. I'm not saying synth is a bad thing, in some bands it works rather well, but it is not Blink 182. And another thing, these are soem of the mopiest, most depressign vocals I have ever heard, and I am an avid My Chemical Romance fan. How do you out-depress a band that has a song called "Dead"? Sure the lyrics aren't that upbeat (or in any way as memorable as their old stuff) but you don't have to sign like your dog just fucked your wife and then kidnapped your children. Their older songs had some pretty depressing themes too, like Adam's Song, or Dammit, but they were young then, and not the sad old men they are now, and there was still an air of optimism behind the lyrics. This has been a bigger disappointment then Saints Row the Third. Why would you do that to the Saints Row Franchise, Volition? Saints Row 2 was the greatest video game of all time and you SHIT ALL OVER IT. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT VOLITION? It's like someone made a list of why Siants ROw 2 was great and you specifically dropped those things from the sequel just to fuck with us.

Dear Dr. Thunder,
I keep getting this weird pain in the back of my head right above where my neck connects with the skull? What do you think it might be.

Throat Cancer. I mean the fact that you could choose which set of missions to do, possibly ignoring the other two gangs entirely is why I loved Saints Row 2! IT meant that every play through was different! Things don't always have to tie into each other you money-grubbing bastards. And What the hell is with that Professor Genki bullshit? That's not a diversion, that's just playing through a mission except all the enemies are dressed in mascot costumes! It's not even funny after the first time!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
Finals are coming up and I am just having trouble focusing. There are just too many distractions! I tried going to the library but that didn't help because I still had my smart phone on me. And I cant just leave that behind. What if there's an emergency? What should I do?

Chemical Castration. I mean sure, The Third does have it's good parts. I love the luchadores, and the tanks, and the VTOL aircraft and everything, but did you really have to take out the clothing customization system from SR2 and replace it with that clunky bullshit system. Ooh! The long hair bobs realistically, but now you can't customize the BEAR anymore. You had time to program in a 3 foot purple dildo bat, but not enough time to bring back fight club, or FUZZ or Septic Avenger? For shame, Volition.

Dear Dr. Thunder,
I am dying of a rare disease cal--

And if you are gonna change locales, why do another city? Stilwater was great, I loved it. Steelport just feels like a stripped down version of Stilwater. You could have set it in an LA kind of city, or Miami, or get away from the GTA franchise entirely and set it in a European style city. That would have been awesome! I don't know, I mean I might as well just give up on the franchise entirely at this point! If this trend continues I might just stick with Saints Row 2 and forget this whole ugly chapter even happened. They've already announced Saints Row 4 so they are just gonna plow stupidly ahead without even waiting for feedback. Anyway, that's all the time we have for today. I am going to go catapult strippers into Volition's headquarters until they agree to make me lead programmer. Adios!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Mashups with Just Michael: Attack the Immortal Time

Well it's time once again for movies with just michael. And sure, it's been so long that none of you know what the title means anymore. Just to recap: I had a radio show called Movies with Michael and Mike but it was destroyed by apathy. Then I turned it into movie reviews on my blog called Movies with Just Michael. Then I decided it would be more fun to just mash up all the movies I had recently seen. So that's what I will be doing today, with three movies I saw recently: Immortals, In Time, and Attack the Block. Just a warning, there will be spoilers, although it's up to you to figure out which movie they are from. Let's get started!
So the movie begins when Justin Timeberlake leads his gang of teenage London street toughs in a small Greek village built into the side of a cliff. Despite his tough exterior he still loves his mother, Olivia Wilde despite everyone else in the village despising her because Justin Timeberlake was born out of wedlock.
Little do they know the evil King Hyperion has decided to ravage Greece, stealing all the time for himself with his vast army of Wolf-Gorilla Aliens and leaving the poor Greeks without a day to their name to rot in large apartment blocks. Justin Timeberlake and his band of hoodlums are approached by the Timecops who are amassing in an apartment block built above The Magical MacGuffin Prison. But alas Justin does not yet have the proper motivation to take action because his mother is still alive.
Luckily for the plot of the movie, King Hyperion and his alien horde quickly take care of that, slaughtering everyone in the village and taking Justin and his gang as slaves (Excpet Biggs who hides in a trashcan for the remainder of the movie. While enslaved, he encounters Amanda Seyfried, King Hyperion's daughter and a virgin oracle. She drools in his mouth to bring him back to life and helps he and his gang of London youths escape.
Meanwhile, they have gained the attention of the Gods, who have decided not to help him in any way, despite the fact that if he fails they will most likely all die. In fact, when any of the gods interfere and help Justin, which would have resolved the entire plot within minutes, the King of the Gods, Cillian Murphy, murders them. Because apparently he cares more about the letter of the law then actually doing what is right in a sort of misguided sub-antagonist kind of way.
Justin, Amanda and his gang decide to go to the Magical MacGuffin prison after all, to join up with the Timecops facing Hyperion, who has discovered a magical bow using his magical hyena that can somehow outrun a horse that is running non-stop for three days. Seriously, what was up with that Hyena? Did anyone else notice that?
While the Timecops face down the alien horde, Justin and his gang discover that they are being controlled by pheromones. And so with the help of Amanda Seyfried, Justin lures them into the Magfical MacGuffin prison and blows them up in a gas explosion.
Unfortunately, Cillian Murphy decides to arrest him anyway, refusing to listen to his side of the story because of his low class, but as he is carted off to Time-Jail atop Mount Olympus, he realizes he has gained the respect and admiration of the people.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 306

Well folks it's time once again for Ask Dr. Thunder! I haven't updated in a while because my computer was recently possessed by some sort of evil spirit and I was forced to exorcise it using 2,376 rounds of sanctified incendiary rifle rounds. Later I found out that it wasn't an evil spirit, just a small family of mice, who are now burning in mouse hell for daring to defy me. I imagine mouse hell is a lot like those old Tom and Jerry cartoons, except Tom always wins. There were actually a few episodes where Tom actually did win in the end and it sort of made me wonder "Is he going to eat Jerry now?" Because unlike Sylvester and Tweety Bird, Tom was only occasionally interested in eating Jerry. He mostly just hit him with stuff. Or he would be doing something and Jerry would just fuck up his day for no goddamn reason. It's like if the roadrunner came into Wile E. Coyote's house and just took a big fat dump on his carpet then was like "Meep Meep" and booked it. And then later he's like "Why is this guy being such a douche-bag?" My question is, why were the laws of physics themselves being such douche-bags to that poor poor coyote. I mean the dude was just hungry and it's not like there's a KFC out there in the desert or something. Anyway, on to the emails!

Jerald Gauldersson writes:
Dear Dr. Thunder,
So I have the worst boss ever, he's a dick to me all the time, but I just found out that I am going to be laid off at the end of the week from my buddy in HR. Can you help me quit in a way that really sticks it to my boss?

Well Steven, when leaving a job it's important to resist the temptation to burn bridges. After all, these people may be listed as a reference or they might even right you a letter of recommendation for your future careers. It's best to write a simple letter of resignation detailing your reasons for leaving and thanking them for the time you spent with them. Then, break into your boss's house, staple the note to his forehead, and then cut off his genitalia with a machete. Then say "Now that's what I call," (at this point you don sunglasses, even though it is nigth and you are inside) "...A Severance Package" And then scream YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH! and escape via fanboat. I hope that helps!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
Despite your repeated denials that you are Michael Armor, I noticed a lot of his writing appears on your blog, and in fact, predates the semi-regular Ask Dr. Thunder feature. How dod you explain this?

Well you got me. While I may not actually be lanky Mexican janitor Michale Armor, I did steal his identity and several pieces of his work in order to hide from my merciless harpy of an ex-wife. You see, back in 1996, my lovely wife Janet somehow transformed into some kind of slug-like bitch monster from the nag galaxy and so I immediately divorced her. Then she wouldn't shut up about me taking all of her possessions, and kidnapping her friends and giving her herpes. Of course what she doesn't tell you is that without that research we woudl have never known you can give someone herpes by shooting them with a crossbwo bolt that you just shot a prostitute with. And then to make matters worse, in 1999 she died in a tragic car accident over the Sea of Japan. I forgot the password to our joint Netflix account and so brought her back to life. Now she doesn't even need to take a break from nagging me to sleep or eat! Was it really worth it to watch the complete run of Sgt. Frog on my computer? Yes. Of course it was. But I needed to be able to post things on the internet so I had to become Michael Armor, Mexican janitor to avoid her relentless zombie bitchtaculosity. I mean the blog does have my name in it so the plan isn't really working too well but in my defense I came up with it while high on mescaline. But trying to come up with a plan while not high on mescaline is like trying to get all of your displaced time clones together in one place to practice our A Capella renditions of Slayer songs. The opportunity is rare is what I'm saying.
Anyway, I need to go make some calls to Dr. Thunder from 2016 to see if his Pilates class on Friday is canceled. You keep sendign in those emails and I will keep not even checking my inbox.
Auf Weidersehen!