Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 317

Welcome to another exciting episode of Ask Dr. Thunder. It's certainly been a while hasn't it? I've been a bit preoccupied, I founded a religion. It's called the Church of the Imperfect Machine, and my followers believe that all living things, especially mankind, are machines, created by god and honed through evolution toward an ideal that can only be reached if we devote our lives to the betterment of humanity as a species, through genetic manipulation and a dash of selective breeding. Basically it amounts to me having sex with a great deal of gullible women with low self-esteem. I mean, I wasn't having any trouble doing that before but now I get to wear a sweet hat.
My point is that in between shaping the lives of thousands of stupid people and my ongoing efforts to evade the evil forces of my bitch ex-wife Karen, checking my email hasn't been a big priority for me. Because frankly I care about you slightly less than I care about the nitrogen content of the Polish turnip harvest in 1874.
Let's get started!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
I've never been on good terms with my family, but I would like to change that. I was thinking of planning a reunion. Do you have any ideas for something that will bring us all together?
Daniel- Toronto, MO

Well Stephen, there's an old saying "You can't choose your family, but you can arrange for them to all die in tragic accidents". However, there are advantages to having people who are relatively similar to you genetically, like if you need to harvest their organs to give yourself quadruple kidneys, so it is often best to be on good enough terms that you can easily summon them if necessary.
Family reunions are a great idea, in theory, except for the part about actually meeting and interacting with your extended family. Instead, I suggest making up fictionalized versions of your family, and then convincing yourself that the version of your Uncle Seamus that fights crime, gives blood to orphans, and would never get drunk and jump off a balcony onto your birthday cake is the real one.
If you insist on trying to bond with your real family, try getting everyone stuck in some sort of tragedy, like a sinking ship, or a haunted cabin. As you band together to fight for your lives you will realize that spending time with those people is slightly better than being ripped apart by werewolves. Or, you or them will be ripped apart by werewolves, which also solves the problem!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
Have you ever been in love? I think I'm in love with this guy but I don't know for sure.
Cynthia, Prescott, TI

Well Stephen, even though several columns back I declared that I refused to answer any more relationship questions, I'm going to take a crack at this one, since as we all know love is a chemical reaction in your brain that causes the release of certain hormones and is completely independent of who you decided to mash your genitalia into.
As a man who has been married 118 times, you may be surprised to find out I have been in love only once. I was a young med student at Big Crazy Steve's Medical School and Pig Farm, collecting tribute from incoming freshman as lord emperor of McCauley dormitory. She was the ghost of a Victorian era seamstress trapped in an enchanted mirror by a gypsy to teach her a lesson about vanity. When she was brought to my suite as a token of fealty from a Romanian exchange student, I reacted poorly at first, since it was something I could neither fuck, snort, or exchange for something that I could fuck or snort. The Romanian was lashed to the roof as punishment. However as I spent more time with Rebecca Mandrake Pendleton  we found we had a lot in common. I felt like she was me, if I had grown up in the Victorian era under different economic circumstances and also had a vagina.
 But alas, I soon grew frustrated as her glass prison meant that our relationship could only go so far. One night, in my frustration I threw a toaster at her, as she was nigh indestructible. To my horror she shattered and escaped to the afterlife, as I hadn't realized the toaster held the spirit of a Turkish cigar magnate cursed by a different gypsy.
I was so sad that I burned down my entire kingdom and was forced to conquer another dorm with my surviving warriors. We put the Freshman of Regis Hall to the sword but no amount of blood could fill the hole in my heart.
Anyway, to answer your question, soaking the shirt in white wine will help to lift the stain, and then just slowly dab at it with a dry towel or sponge. Whatever you do, do not wipe, as that will just make things worse.

Dear Dr. Thunder,
Finals week is right around the corner and it is stressing me out. If I fail even one, I might not be able to graduate. Do you have any tips for studying?
Darnell, Scottsburg, DP

Well Stephen, I'm no stranger to stress, but luckily I just have to remember that I am the best at everything, and anything I do automatically succeeds because whatever the outcome is must, by definition, be victory because I achieved it. However, not everyone has that luxury. It seems to me that if your very graduation hinges upon your scores on every single final exam, then you clearly spent the semester disregarding your schoolwork. In which case, no amount of studying can prepare you so you can relax and let your failure happen. If this is not the case and you have been working hard all semester than you can relax because you are exactly at the level you are meant to be and will receive the score you deserve. Either way, it really isn't that important. Prospective employers don't give a rat's ass about your grades, it's all about who you know, who knows you, and what you can do. Or, if you are applying to be one of my interns, how much electricity your body can absorb before your heart fails.

Well, I'm getting sick of writing now, so I'm gonna stop, but before I do, I'd just like to let you all know that Michael Armor wrote another book for some reason and you should buy it. Because I get the money. It might be good too. I only wrote some of it and pretty much skimmed anything that didn't mention me, but I didn't vomit blood from my eyes like that time I tried to read Twilight. So there you go. You probably won't vomit blood from your eyes.
 Buy it here: https://www.createspace.com/4166119
Or put it on your electrobooky thing here: http://www.amazon.com/Indescribable-Glory-Dr-Thunder-ebook/dp/B00CJ17TBG/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1368653574&sr=8-1&keywords=the+indescribable+glory+of+dr.+thunder