3 Things People Say to Make Me Feel Better (And Why They Don't Work)

So as some of you virtually non-existent readers may know, I tend to be depressed a lot. There's nothing wrong with that, to me at least, because the way I see it, if I was happy, I would have no motivation to do anything. Being miserable all the times just means I am willing to try exciting new ways to be less miserable, like sky-diving and horse painting. One of my favorite things to be miserable about is the fact that I am extremely lonely, and seem to be incapable of altering this situation. And whenever I feel particularly down about it, my friends are always there attempting to cheer me up. However, they almost always succeed in making me feel worse.

1. "Someday you will meet a gorgeous, perfect woman, I guarantee it."
This is probably the one I hear the most from various people who seem convinced that somewhere there is a beautiful woman who is for some reason attracted to the amalgamation of flaws and deformities that is me. First of all, if this woman is indeed gorgeous and perfect then she is most likely already in a committed relationship, as those qualities tend to be in high demand. Second of all, where exactly am I supposed to meet this woman? It's not like I get invited to parties. This is another instance of people confusing real life with movies, where basically every character except the villain ends up with someone by the time the credits roll. It turns out in real life, sometimes people end up alone when all is said and done.
Why it makes me feel worse:
Assuring me I will meet someone pretty much just adds a layer of guilt at having let you down the next time I inevitably fail to attract a mate. In addition to feeling awful about being rejected again, I also feel like I have failed you by not living up to your optimistic predictions.
What you could say instead:
"Better luck next time!"

2. "Of course you're attractive! You're smart and handsome, and funny, and amazing and any girl would have to be an idiot not to fall in love with you!"
Well don't I just sound like the best guy ever? This one is not only insulting to me, because I own a mirror and spend all day around myself, so I know you are lying, but to the girls who reject me, who have done nothing wrong. There is no one as awesome as what my friends claim I am. Do you realize how incredibly egotistical I would have to be to believe this? Dr. Thunder egotistical, that's how much. Yeah I know I am pretty great, but I also know I have many, many flaws. I don't know what a lot of those flaws are because people refuse to tell me, but I know they are there, and not telling me about them only makes it harder for me to work on them. This one is especially bad coming from girls who are not attracted to me themselves, but assure me that they are apparently the rare exception.
Why it makes me feel worse:
If I am an unattractive, uncharismatic loser who can't get girls then it's not really that big a deal. I wouldn't expect girls to be into that and I know why. However if I am a brilliant, hilarious superman who can't get girls then how fucked up is that? With all my many virtues, I should be hiding in a bunker to protect me from all the vaginas being thrown at me, and yet I still can't get a single girl to go on one date with me. Clearly there is something seriously wrong with me if I am this desirable and still single.
What you could say instead:
"You know you'd get more girls if you_____"

3. "Who needs a girl? Relationships are a huge hassle anyways."
Really? Then I imagine you will be breaking it off with your significant other right away then! What's that? You're staying together? Well then clearly there's another side to it then. I realize being in a relationship isn't all lollipops and rainbows. A solid relationship demands sacrifice and trust and all that. But you know what? I still would very much like to find out for myself what hardships a relationship entails instead of just taking your word for it. Who knows? Maybe I will find out that I was happier alone all along and that I hate being in a relationship. However the only way I'm going to know is if I actually experience it.
Why it makes me feel worse:
Well this one's just plain condescending. By saying that I won't like having a girlfriend you assume that you know me better than myself. If you yourself have a significant other than it kind of feels like you're saying that you are better suited to handling a relationship than I am.
What you could say instead:
"Sucks bro"

Anyway, just so you know, this post isn't directed at anyone specific and since I have no intention of shameless Facebook promotion, it is unlikely very many people will even know it exists. I just wanted to get it off my chest. Also it's like 5 am and I am not tired at all. Weird right?