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| You will live on in my heart Bit of String... Always... |
My name is Jimmy. I am 8 years old. My best friend Mark's birthday is coming up and I know he loves to read. I also know he fucked my wife. Is there a gift I can get him that shows I care, but that will also slowly murder his brain with word-violence, leaving him a brain-dead vegetable who can be easily robbed?
Well Steven, you're in luck! Mexican theme park janitor Michael Armor has recently published a book! Like with words and everything. Now normally, I wouldn't recommend this book to my worst enemies. Because they are all dead. Some I killed personally, some from natural causes, but in any case, none are alive enough to read. But for your worst enemy? Absolutely. Buy him a hundred copies. Use his credit card. Why? Because my contract states that I get all the royalty money. And it also classifies it as extortion, which is not a form of income eligible for alimony! SUCK IT KAREN! You can buy the book here: https://www.createspace.com/3888491. Over and over again. And then make your friends buy copies. Seriously Jimmy, if we don't sell five thousand copies I will personally come to your town and confiscate your large intestine. Next email!
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| Look at it sitting there. Like a slut. |
So I have a crush on one of my friends but I talked to her about and she said she is only interested in me as a friend. Is there any way to make her attracted to me?
Well Steven, I can't say I can relate, because there is no such thing as a woman who is not attracted to Dr. Thunder. There are only women who do not yet realize how incredibly attracted to Dr. Thunder they are. No one is as charming, handsome or a doctor-y as I am. That being said, attraction is a chemical reaction in the brain caused by your immune system reacting to their immune system. So if you have the BEST immune system, you will get ALL the women. I would expose yourself to as many diseases as you possibly can to toughen up your immune system. Or, you know, just become absurdly wealthy. That's what I did!
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| What sucks is there's no room in my garage to park my Lamborghinuses |
You've made it clear that Michael Armor is a terrible person. Why do you hang out with him then? Surely someone as awesome as you can get better friends. Or at the very least pay people to be your friend. People like me, for example.
The thing about Michael Armor, is that even though he is ugly, untalented, an all-around terrible person, and possibly the last member of an extinct race of ape-men, he is still my best friend. Most of the people I encounter on a daily basis are my underlings, who fear and worship me, my legal staff, who are all greedy buzzkills, and vagina delivery units, who I lose interest in almost immediately after coitus and/or marriage. Michael is the only person who really understands me! Even if he does constantly insist that I am fictional. Though I berate him constantly, it is only for character building reasons! And not the nerdy kind with dice and spreadsheets, but the manly kind with mud and arson. The truth is, I would kill 8 men for that guy, no more, no less. So if you fuck with him I will not only kill you, but, if you have no family or friends, 7 random strangers.
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| The coxswain will live. Because coxswain is a funny word. |
