Bloodmurder 2: Death at Kill Mountain, a story by Dr. Thunder

Hello Reader-types! So word on the interwebz is my partner in crime Michael Armor was able to take time off from being a janitor to post a story about pizza or something. A sneak preview of his new book, The Incomparable Excellence of Dr. Thunder. Now obviously, no one is going to read a book written by that loser without a little extra punch so I am going to be contributing yet another story of my own.
My lawyer has advised me to point out that all characters in this story are entirely fictional and any resemblance to real people, especially my bitch ex-wife Karen, is entirely coincidental. Not that I would call Karen a person, more like some kind of unholy manifestation of bitch-energy designed to ruin my life.
My lawyer has advised me to add that the previous sentence was also not based on a real person.

Dr. Handsome Protagonist stepped out of his legal guardian's station wagon and across the threshold of The Dr. Handsome Protagonist Summer Camp for Attractive Stereotypes. His legal guardian dropped off a pair of duffel bags, both filled with amphetamines to trade for clothing and supplies, and then gave Dr. Protagonist a pat on the back.
"Well, 16 year old Dr. Protagonist, your other legal guardian and I sure will miss you for these six weeks where you are at summer camp."
"Undoubtedly," the young, handsome doctor said, "But it is a part of growing up, here, in the year 1986 for one of my age."
"An age, I feel I should point out, that would make you having sex with countless underage girls legally and socially acceptable."
"You've got that right. Well, that's enough exposition for now, I'm going to meet up with my friends. Have fun being an indeterminate gender legal guardian!"
"You know I will!" With that, Legal Guardian drove off back to the city.
Seeing their much smarter and more handsome friend, Dr. Protagonist's friends approached.
"Hi Dr. Protagonist!" The Fat One said, his mouth perpetually smeared with foie gras and green tea ice cream.
"Salutations!" The smart one said, instinctively pushing up his glasses, which had slid down his large, Jewish nose.
"I am also here!" Said Tim, Dr. Protagonist's best friend, and the only one of his chums with more than one defining characteristic. "We're all so glad you're here! We actually have almost nothing in common with each other or anything to talk about!"
"I know, right!" Dr. Protagonist laughed.
"Boy," Fat Friend said, as he shoved a candy bar into a live turtle and then ate it, "it sure is funny that the camp is named after you, despite the fact that this is your first time here."
"Oh Fat Friend, you are as naive as you are obese. Dr. Handsome Protagonist also happens to be the name of an ancient Native American tribe, that were brutally massacred by the American Government, then thrown in a mass grave, which was used as a landfill for a while until the bones were dug up to be turned into sex toys."
"They say their spirits still roam these lands so we hold a big dance every year to mock them for being sore losers." Tim added.
"It was all in the counselor orientation."
"Oh I see," Fat Friend nodded, "I missed orientation because I got trapped in a door frame for a week." He then opened up a gallon bag of skittles, poured in a jug of maple syrup, and used it as the dressing for a salad made of bacon and cheeze its.
"Well we should go find our cabins now." Dr. Protagonist said. Before they could set out however a girl ran up and hugged Dr. Protagonist in a very platonic way.
"Dr. Protagonist! You're here!" She said.
"Ah! Of course, my platonic female friend Charlie! How could I forget about you! I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever despite being quite attractive and being compatible on a number of other levels."
"Ha ha, of course not. As you can tell from my shortcut and name typically associated with males, I am a tomboy, and therefore assumed to be an unfit partner!"
"You sure are!"

That night the Camp Director gathered all of the counselors for the opening campfire/Indian burial ground desecration.
"All right boys and girls." The Camp Director began, "I will be your borderline negligent camp director. This will probably be the last time you see me. Now, the parents of these attractive, stereotypical children are trusting us to take care of them. It is up to you to show them what a huge mistake that is. I need you to put in the bare minimum with these kids, focus entirely on having sex with each other, doing illegal drugs, and engaging in bitter, pointless feuds.
Speaking of which, there is inexplicably a second camp across Lake Kiddrown from us, and it is better than ours in every way. They will undoubtedly beat us at the inter-camp sporting event that we inexplicably keep agreeing to compete in, despite losing every year.
Well, that's the last you'll see of me, or indeed any real authority figure, so I'll leave you to your bad decisions." With that he left the campfire to go lock himself on his cabin.
"Camp sounds fun!" Fat Friend said, adding more olive oil to the suckling bison he had subtly began roasting over the campfire.
"I just hope there isn't any drama." Tim said, summoning a gaggle of muscular jerks from the other side of the fire.
"Well if it isn't Dr.Gaytagonist and his friends, Gay Friend, Fag Friend, and Tim"
The largest of the other counselors said, prompting a chorus of laughter from his cronies.
"Ha! It's funny, because it is the 80s and being gay carries a negative connotation." One of the cronies pointed out helpfully.
"Well if it isn't Ricky Sociopath." Dr. Protagonist said, "Did I ever tell you I know your mother? In the biblical sense. By which I mean I gave her such an intense orgasm that she founded a religion and wrote a holy text based on our coitus."
"I don't understand and that makes me angry!" He reared back his hand but a pretty blonde girl grabbed it before he could punch.
"Leave him alone Ricky, he's not worth it."
Dr. Protagonist was immediately smitten with the girl.
"And who might you be?" He asked.
"You can call me Karen." She said, brushing hair away from her eyes, "you sure are charming and handsome. It's a shame I am inexplicably in a committed relationship with this guy who treats me terribly that I have no chemistry with. Oh well! Off to go blow him by the lake."
As they walked off, the cronies dispersed and Dr. Protagonist turned to Tim.
"Tim, I must have her! She is incredibly attractive and that is all I need to know before attempting to form a relationship with her."
"I don't know old chum, this Karen girl looks like the kind of person who would turn into a gigantic bitchasaurus after you marry her, and then somehow become even more of a shrieking harpy after you get divorced, demanding alimony all the god damn time lime some kind of broken record."
"I agree," Smart Friend said, "and this entirely fictional person seems like she would also have a vast menagerie of sexual diseases, acquired by fornicating with filthy sailors down by the docks every Wednesday."
"That sounds like it would be slander, were this Karen based on a real person."
"Agreed, but she is not. So let's drop it."
"I don't care what you people think!" Dr. Protagonist said,  "Her beauty has blinded me to her many, many negative qualities!"
"Hey guys!" Charlie joined them from the girls side of the campfire, "How are my totally platonic buddies? Still not romantically interested? Me neither!"

Camp went smoothly for a couple weeks, until one chilly night across the lake at Dr. Handsome Protagonist's Summer Camp for Wealthy Attractive Stereotypes.
Blake and Thad, two of rhe counselors at the rich kid camp, were out inspecting the enclosure where they kept the goats that they fed to the camp's genetically engineered Tyrannosaurus.
"I say, old sport!" Blake said, his monocle popping off in shock, "this fence is supposed to be chupacabra proof! But alas, the fence has been rent asunder by a terrible force and a score of goats lie exsanguinated!"
"Indeed!" Thad replied, "perhaps we are dealing with no common chupacabra."
"Surely you are not suggesting the fabled Supercabra, spoken of in tales 'round the fire? The very notion is preposterous!"
"Preposterous it may be, but when no mundane explanation can be found, only the preposterous ones remain."
"Perhaps, but we can not rule out--" before he could reply Blake's head was severed with a machete.
Keith's monocle popped out in surprise in fear as a second machete entered his chest.

Three weeks into camp, Dr. Protagonist sat moping in his cabin while his friends attempted to cheer him up.
"Come on Handsome!" Tim said, "just forget about that Karen girl! You've already slept with every other female above the age of 16 at this camp."
"Except Charlie of course." Smart Friend pointed out, "She's like a sister to you and the idea of a romantic relationship has never even occurred to you."
"Well of course." Dr. Protagonist sighed,  "but no amount of meaningless sex, no matter how mind blowing, can get my mind off that golden haired beauty."
"You even banged my sister!" Fat Friend said, drowning an emperor penguin in an oversized fondue pot filled with boiling hollandaise sauce.
"Yes, multiple times, in every orifice." Dr. Protagonist said sadly, "But no amount of hot sex with your filthy whore of a sister could measure up to Karen."
"C'mon Dr. Protagonist, it's time for archery practice, we've got kids who depend on us to teach them an outdated method of long-distance killing."
They headed down to the archery field where Ricky Sociopath and some of his friends were finishing up their javelin throwing class. Ricky was teaching his more muscular campers to give atomic javelin wedgies to the social outcasts. Karen stood nearby, being disgusted by Ricky's various cruel antics, but not enough to reconsider their relationship.
Charlie and a group of girl campers were also there, setting up the archery targets.
"What are you doing here Charlie?" Dr. Protagonist asked as his own campers began setting up equipment. Tim left to go check out the bows and arrows from the equipment shed while Fay Friend attempted to eat Smart Friend.
"Well we were originally scheduled for Survival Cooking, Survival Cleaning, and Survival Child-rearing, but, as a tomboy, I have decided that what these girls really want is to be taught that they can and will do anything a boy can do, regardless of their actual preference."
"How very noble of you!"
"Ha!" Ricky pointed him out to his friends, "Dr. Queertagonist is interacting with a girl he has no desire to have sex with! What a faggot!"
"The gay jokes are getting a bit tired. Just like your mom. After I had sex with her."
"Your comments have confused and enraged me!" Ricky picked up a javelin and prepared to hurl it when a sheriff's car pulled up next to the range.
"Afternoon, folks." The sheriff said as he emerged from his car. Ricky quickly tossed the javelin where it safely embedded in a less important character. "Just thought I'd come by and check up on you, after what happened at the rich kids camp."
"What happened?" Charlie asked.
A sly grin crept kn the sheriffs face, "well some pranksters massacred the campers and staff, partially consumed their bodies,  and then erected a pyramid of their skulls. I know your camp has a friendly rivalry with those rich kids, but you guys just have to be careful not to take things too far."
"It wasn't us." Ricky said defensively.
"Sure it wasn't..." The sheriff shook his head, "anyway, you kids be careful. Especially since this summer is the hundred year anniversary of that gang of maniacs escaping from the asylum across the lake and trying to summon Satan. You know how that brings out the weirdies. You kids have a good day!" With that, the sheriff returned to his car and drove off.
Ricky snorted, then gathered his campers and left. Karen gave Dr. Protagonist a flirty gaze and then followed.
"I feel like we should tell the camp director about this." Smart Friend said.
"Nah." Dr. Protagonist said, "if anything he'd be happy we're finally going to win the camp games this year!"
"That's right!" Charlie said, "according to the rules of the games, any camp that is converted into a pyramid of skulls forfeits!" She high-fived Dr. Protagonist.
"Hey guys," Tim said, returning from the equipment shed, "Someone threw a javelin into my shoulder."
"No one cares Tim." Dr. Protagonist said, "more importantly, someone massacred the rich kids."
"Oh. Well are we in any danger?"
"Probably not. I suspect this was a fluke and we will hear no more of it for the rest of the year."

The next morning six counselors were found stabbed to death with machetes while having an orgy in Fat Friend's sleeping bag.
"Wow thank god you weren't in there." Smart Friend said as the bodies were carried off.
"Yeah." Fat Friend said, "but it happened when I was out getting a midnight snack, and a 1am snack, and a 2am snack and... well I basically wake up at midnight and pretty much eat continuously until I pass out at 6pm."
"Yeah we noticed." Tim said, "So what are we going to do Dr. Protagonist?"
"Well," Dr. Protagonist said, "having the entire camp murdered would really put a damper on my plan to bang Karen, so we're going to have to catch this killer."
"Can I help?" Charlie asked.
"Perhaps. As a woman, you would make an irresistible high value target. If we can use you as bait, we'll catch this monster in no time."
"Sounds great! What do I do?"
"We're going to set a trap for him at the old abandoned machete factory across the lake."
"This lake is seeming like a really bad place to put a summer camp, let alone two..."
The friends traveled across the lake to the factory in the camp's catamaran. There they found Ricky and his goons as well as Karen and some lady goons.
"What are you doing here?" Tim asked, "we reserved this machete factory this morning."
"Hey guys, do you know what Tim's short for?" Ricky asked his cronies, "Faggot."
"Speaking of short," Dr. Protagonist said, "during one of our post-coitus chats your mother and I discussed your father's inadequacy in the genital department. More importantly, it seems to be hereditary."
"I am angryface!" Ricky charged forward but suddenly stopped in his tracks and began backing up slowly.
"Ha!" Smart Friend said, "I am forced to assume you are suddenly and inexplicably afraid of us, despite your bravado mere seconds before!"
Suddenly a machete sprouted from Smart Friend's open mouth and a second machete cut his body out from under him. Dr. Protagonist and hiss friends turned to see what killed him.
"My god! It's a machete wielding Supercabra!" Dr. Protagonist shouted.
"Dressed in Native American garb!" Tim added.
"And he appears to be possessed by Satan!" Charlie continued.
"Blarglehurgh!" Fat Friend had shoved Smart Friend's headless body into his mouth.
"Let's all run away!" Ricky said, as he and his goons and goonettes scattered.
"Quick! Fat Friend! Distract the beast!" Dr. Protagonist said.
Fat Friend nodded, finished swallowing his friend's body and then turned on the monster. It slashed at him with machetes but couldn't penetrate deep enough to do any real damage. Fat Friend unhinged his jaw and opened wide, intending to swallow the beast. However, this exposed his weak spot and the Supercabra leapt into his mouth and began destroying Fat Friend from the inside.
"Quick! Let's get inside!" Charlie said as she grabbed Tim and Dr. Protagonist by the shoulders and led them toward the factory.
"I will avenge you friends!" Dr. Protagonist yelled, "but only because doing so would provide me with safety!"

Buzz, one of Ricky's under-bullies had barricaded himself in the foreman's office with his girlfriend.
"Now that we're safe," he said, pulling off his shirt, "Let's have premarital sex."
"Really Buzz?" His girlfriend rolled her eyes, "There's a killer monster thing out there!"
"This is the foreman's office of a machete factory. It's probably the most machete proof room we could possibly find."
"That is a good point, but I'm just not in the mood."
"Oh come on! I forgave you when you cheated on me with Dr. Protagonist!"
"Every girl in camp slept with Dr. Protagonist! And a relationship is more than just you doing nice things for me in exchange for sex."
"Don't make me start masturbating in here because I totally will."
"Fine, let's do it."
As they undressed there was suddenly a loud crash as the Supercabra appeared at the window. The girl screamed, and Buzz ejaculated in fear. The monster's machetes bounced harmlessly from the machete-proof glass of the window.
"See?" Buzz said proudly, "what did I tell you? We're totally--"
Before he could finish the monster vomited a stream of molten rock, melting through the glass.
"Well shit." Buzz said as it stabbed him in the chest with a machete.

"Can you take off those stupid 3D glasses dude?"
Ricky's other two cronies wandered the halls of the factory together.
"No dude, they're part of my identity!"
"Those things are doing nothing but hindering your vision, especially in such a dark environment. "
"Look, we all have our things. Ricky's the alpha, you haven't worn a shirt with sleeves since your middle school graduation, and Buzz is a classically trained opera singer. Wearing 3D glasses at all times is my thing."
"Whatever dude, just don't expect me to get in a car with you when you get your license."
"Where the fuck are we?" They looked around and found dozens of open wooden crates full of machetes.
"You'd think they would have taken these with them when they abandoned this place."
"I guess they were in a hurry..."
"Oh well, their loss." They each grabbed a machete.
"There we go. I feel much safer now."
"Me too. Now that we are safe, let's jerk each other off."
"Don't be a faggot Gary! We'll jerk ourselves off while gazing into each other's eyes."
"Sounds like a plan."
Before they could take their pants off, they heard a woman's scream nearby that was abruptly cut off. They followed the source of the noise to a nearby door.
Gary slowly opened the door and the two boys looked inside. One of the girls they had brought with them was pinned to a wall by a machete through her throat. Another girl was lying on the ground with the Supercabra crouched over her, devouring her flesh.
The two bullies looked at each other, then at the monster. They slowly crept up behind it and raised their machetes. As one they stabbed them down into the creature's back. It roared in anger and stood up.
As it stood the machetes s were absorbed into it's body. A few moments later they re-emerged, blade first from it's sides. Slowly they slid out, gripped by a second pair of arms. The bullies screamed as it turned around. The monster grabbed them by the throats with its original arms, then stabbed them through the hearts with its new ones.

"Dr. Protagonist we need a plan." Charlie said as she crouched with Tim and Dr. Protagonist behind a table full of machetes.
"Alright, here's what I have." Dr. Protagonist said, "Tim, you were the camp basket weaving champion right?"
"Of course,  six years in a row."
"Excellent! I need you to use those skills to weave a cage put of these machetes."
"That sounds like a great plan! Except for one problem."
"What?"
"I've just been disemboweled." Dr. Protagonist and Charlie looked behind Tim as the monster ripped his spinr out of his back.
"Well I guess we need a new plan then..."
"Run!" Charlie screamed as she grabbed Dr. Protagonist's arm. They ran through a door onto a catwalk overlooking the factory floor. Below, hundreds of sharp machetes littered the ground, all pointing upward for some reason. On the other aide of the catwalk Ricky and Karen were having sex.
"Really?" Charlie said, "Here? Above hundreds of sharp machetes?"
"Danger makes me horny." Karen shrugged.
"This explains a lot about your relationship. .." Dr. Protagonist mused.
The Supercabra burst through the door behind him.
"Oh shit!" Ricky shouted.
As the Supercabra stepped onto the catwalk it began swaying. Karen and Charlie were both knocked off the side, each barely grabbing a handhold.
" Fuck this shit," Ricky said, pulling his pants up, "I'm out!" As he turned to run a beam of light emanated from the Supercabra's eyes, hitting Ricky in the small of his back and disintegrating him. Karen fell to the floor below,  onto the blades of a dozen machetes.
Charlie's hand slipped but Dr. Protagonist caught her and pulled her back onto the platform.
"You saved me!" She exclaimed.
"You can thank me later!"
The monster stalked down the catwalk, twirling machetes in all 4 of its arms.
"Wait, I have an idea!" Charlie said. She ran toward the Supercabra, "Distract it!"
"Hey!" Dr. Protagonist waved his arms "look at me, I'm distracting you! Doesn't that piss you off?"
The beast roared in anger as Charlie slid between its legs and went out the door behind it.
"Come on!" Dr. Protagonist said, "aren't you annoyed that my tactic is working? Doesn't it make you want to focus your attention on me, but take no actual action against me for some reason?"
The Supercabra took another step forward, raising up it's arms.
"Yeah, you probably could have killed me a bunch of times, and were I any other character ypu would have done so by now, but for some reason, you are hesitating to kill me, despite having as much, or more reason to kill me than ypu had to kill anyone else."
By now the Supercabra was in striking distance and he slowly prepared to strike.
Suddenly a lasso of intestines dropped down around him. He was pulled backwards and Charlie ran over to finish tying up tje monster with Tim's intestines. Soon the Supercabra was neatly bound in the middle of the catwalk.
"Now let's see who this monster really is!" Dr. Thunder strode over confidently. With one smooth motion he pulled the Supercabra's head off, revealing it to be a mask. Behind the mask was the Camp Director.
"The Camp Director!" Charlie exclaimed.
"That's right." The Camp Director said, "it was me!"
"But why?"
"No one was coming to my ski camp. So I figured I could boost attendance by driving everyome away from summer camp!"
"Isn't ski camp in the winter?"
"Oh. Oh right. I forgot about that."
"So wait," Dr. Protagonist shook his head, "you killed over a hundred people to promote a fucking ski camp?"
"Yes."
"And where did you even get this costume?"
"From the abandoned special effects studio across the lake."
"And what about when you grew four arms! Or shot lasers out of your eyes! Or did the many other things a pudgy man in his forties shouldn't be able to do! Especially im a heavy latex suit!"
"Smoke and mirrors?"
"You're probably getting the death penalty for this."
"Yeah..."
"Dr. Protagonist look!" Charlie pointed below them to Karen's body. The skin had begun writhing. Moments later, thousands of black spiders poured from her body, leaving behind the deflated husk of her skin.
The spiders fled in every direction.
"Oh!" Dr. Protagonist slapped his forehead, "she was actually 10,000 spiders in a woman suit!"
"Thank god you dodged that bullet!"
"I know! Imagine if I had married her, and then every weekend she kept insisting we go to a dog show as if that was a legitimate form of entertainment."
"That would have been a living hell."

Later that night Charlie and Dr. Protagonist sat by the lake and looked out at the many abandoned structures lining the opposite shore.
"You saved my life back there, Dr. Protagonist."  Charlie said.
"You saved mine."
"I have a confession to make. I'm in love with you. I always have been."
"I'm quite fond of you as well."
"I want you to take my virginity. And then my anal virginity. And then I want you to find two friends and--"
Dr. Protagonist put a finger over her lips.
"How about you give me my first kiss?"
"You've never kissed a girl?"
"A woman's mouth is a festering cesspool of ignorance and disease. But I'm willing to ignore that in this case."
"I love you Dr. Thunder."
"Dr. Protagonist."
"Whatever."

THE END