The Tale of Keith the Telemarketer

Once upon a time there was a tiny island nation that lived under the tyrannical rule of a jar of strawberry preserves. All the people of the island lived in fear and squalor but none were willing to stand up to their dictator.
On that island their lived a young telemarketer named Keith. His friends called him Keith of the Iron Hand, because he had lost his hand in a horrific telemarketing accident and had it replaced with a prosthetic one made from an old iron gauntlet. Keith lived with his lovely wife Carol and their six children, Greg, Marsha, Peter, Bobby, Cindy, and Slagatron the Tormentor.
One day, Keith came home to find his lovely home in ruins. It seemed that the jar of strawberry preserves fancied his wife and so sent death squads to kidnap her. Keith ran inside to find that his children had also been taken, presumably to be melted down and turned into sheet metal.
Keith decided that he wasn't going to take it anymore. He went over to the government controlled call center where he worked and told them he was there to kick ass and solicit money from people on a list. And he was all out of lists. He drew the AK-74 assault rifle that was standard issue to oppressed island people and began firing wildly into his workplace. His coworkers returned fire and soon dozens of people were dead. At this point, as Keith cradled, the bloody head of his dying best friend while ducked behind a cubicle, explosions all around him, he began to question how shooting up his workplace was supposed to get his family back. And so, as his best friend bled out in his arms, Keith stood up, and silenced the room full of heavily armed call center employees. He then delivered an impassioned speech urging his fellow telemarketers to rise up against the oppression of the jar of strawberry preserves and take back their country. Most of them were running low on ammunition, so they decided to follow Keith on hsi quest for liberty.
After a quick trip to the gun store, followed by a stop at Island Steve's Torches and Pitchforks Emporium, the angry mob of telemarketers arrived at the presidential palace, having been joined along the way by several hundred other islanders, many of whom were just along because of a passionate love of angry mobs. The guards were quickly overwhelmed and soon Keith led his followers right into the private quarters of the jar of strawberry preserves. There, his wife was chained to a desk, dressed in a metal bikini, and his children were all tied up, suspended precariously over a vat of molten steel.
The jar of strawberry preserves held a gun to Carol's head and told Keith he had to choose between his wife and children. Or at least it would have, except that it was an inanimate glass jar filled with fruit. Keith smashed the jar of strawberry preserves with his metal fist, rescued his family, and became the new dictator of the island.
Three weeks later he was deposed by a piece of toast.