Gerald the Potted Plant

Good God Man, I haven't made one of these here blog posts in quite some time. Clearly this is the work of the decepticons. But what should I write about? I mean, I can't just type randomly for like 15 minutes in the hopes that the random output of my thought process will be found entertaining to the zero people who read this blog.
I set off to South America to find something to blog about. I took with me forty men and a hamster. I trusted every one of those men with my life. But not the hamster. Something about him just seemed... shifty. We took off down the amazon river about mid-day when suddenly we were assaulted by the indigenous thong people of southern Uganda. But why were they here in Brazil presumably? I think that's where the Amazon river is. Well, I'm sure it runs through several countries but Brazil is fucking huge, am I right? So yeah, probably got some amazon action going on over there. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh, right, the Ugandans. Fifty men died in the initial assault. Which is odd, because I could've sworn I said we started with forty. I took the twelve remaining men, and the hamster, and made for the relative safety of a nearby cave. Unfortunately, it was not actually a cave, but the mouth of an enormous worm. Luckily, the worm turned out to be extremely friendly and released us after eating only three of my men. Then he decided to grant us 4 wishes. What is it with talking animals and granting wishes? Did they, like, find another talking animal and wish for the ability to talk and grant wishes? How would that work out if they couldn't talk in the first place? Unless the magic animal can understand them or something. Or they just assume that that is what they would wish for, if they could talk. That could explain why they are so prolific. Hey, Listen? Can you hear that? You can tell she's naked... but I digress. For our first wish, I asked for the ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures. This prompted a lenghty debate between myself, the worm, and the remnants of my crew as to what constitutes a "sea" creature. I think that term generally includes all ocean-dwelling life. However, the worm was quite insistent that it only refers to creatures found in the body of water specifically known as a sea, as in the Black Sea, Dead Sea, etc. Well, I thought that was bullshit so for my second wish I wished for a big fucking gun to shoot the goddamn worm in the face for being so uppity. So he gave me the gun, I shot him, and then it occurred to me that we didn't get any more wishes. Luckily we still had the hamster, and so we were able to get home safely. Did I say hamster? I meant aircraft carrier. I often get those two confused. His name was Gerald, and he was one shifty motherfucker. Speaking of Gerald, I havent watered my Green Ivy plant, Gerald the Potted Plant in quite some time. I would be quite upset if he were to die. So I guess since I couldn't find anything to write about, I shall have to put if off until another time. Peace, bitches.