Movies With Just Michael: Blood Mania

First of all, I'd just like to say that the title of this movie is very misleading. Yes, there was Blood. Yes there was Mania. There was not, however, Blood Mania.
From the very beginning I could tell that this was not going to be some undiscovered gem. The opening sequence is a girl with orange hair fleeing from a man in extremely shitty zombie make-up in some sort of darkened graveyard. During one of the many gratuitous freeze frames of this title sequence I realized that the woman was wearing nothing but an extremely see-through silk dress. "Oh good" I thought, "Titties". This is what's known as foreshadowing. It turns out that this is all the dream of a fairly old man lying in bed, who summons a woman who is painting to his side. The woman, cold and professional, brings him his lunch. I was shocked to find out that this was not just some nurse, but his daughter, Victoria. Still thinking about the tits from the opening sequence (because I am a heterosexual man) I thought to myself "Hmm I wonder if this actress will show her tits at some point" In hindsight, that thought is completely hilarious for reasons that will sonn become clear. From the conversation between the man and Victoria we learn that he is a doctor and that he is being treated by the sexy Craig Cooper, M.D. The M.D. stands for Massive Di... sorry, I thought this was a 70s porno. Perhaps I got that impression from Craig stripping down and getting into the tub with his extremely nude wife. Or when Victoria went out to talk to the poolboy and took off her robe to reveal that she was topless, then she got in the pool with him. I am not making that scene up. By 10 minutes in, you have seen the tits of every actress who has been shown on screen so far. We then meet Dr. Cooper's former partner, Mr. Mills, who is the douchiest person I have ever seen. Apparently, Craig is in some serious shit and Mills wants $50,000 to keep quiet. Once Mills leaves, his wife (or possibly girlfriend?) gets him to talk about it. It seems that Craig is in trouble for performing DUN DUN DUN... abortions! *gasp*. This was probably a much bigger deal back in the early 70s when this movie was made. Craig then goes to Victoria's father's house to check up on him and then he and Victoria take drugs and have sex for several minutes of screen time. Seriously. There's just a five minute sequence of them slowly spinning with a black background and a lot fo fade outs and close-ups where they're just groping each other. Five minutes may not seem like much but this is only an eighty minute movie. So Craig tells Victoria that he needs $50,000 and as a sidenote that the drugs they just took would be fatal to someone with a heart condition. And then he is genuinely surprised when Victoria uses the drug to kill her father and get her inheritance. I guess medical schools had lower standards back then. However before that happens there is a brief scene where Sheryl, Craig's wife/girlfriend agrees to have sex with Mills in order to get Mills to get off Craig's back. Of course afterwards Mills goes back on his word. And then an interesting thing happens: Sheryl disappears from the movie entirely. She is never mentioned again, by anyone. Anyway, so Victoria kills her father with the drugs, causing him to hilariously sit bolt upright for a few seconds. Oh, and one thing I found kind of interesting is that while waiting for the drugs to take effect she just takes her shirt off and stares at her tits in the mirror. It's like she's allergic to tops or something. Afterwards Craig arrives to investigate and she gets the absolute worst "I totalyl didn't do it" face I have ever seen before admitting to Craig what she had done. Craig is horrified! Then they have sedx again. Next she goes to the lawyer and we learn that she has a sister who is flying in for the reading of the will. Once she arrives with her... friend, an older woman who is obviously a lesbian, though no one ever uses the word, they read the will and: Surprise! The father decided not to leave all his money to his cold, spiteful bitch of a daughter. Needless to say Victoria is not happy about this and has an extremely hilarious mental breakdown, forcing Craig to sedate her and confie her to her room. Unfortunately, with the introduction of Victoria's sister Gail, there is now an attractive female character that Craig has not had sex with! So after being warned to stay away by the older lesbian woman, Craig takes Gial with him on his rounds to visit some of his patients... at the renaissance fair... and the beach. After spending several hours together making out, they return home and decide to go for a swim in the pool. Victoria is in her studio and sees them, then starts what I like to call "Ragepainting". Then Craig and Gail have sex, and, needless to say, gratuitous nudity ensues. Gail's lesbian friend then decides to leave, after seeign definitive proof that Gail is not a lesbian. Seriously. Then Gail tells Victoria that Craig refused the $50,000 he needed, implying that he has fallen in love with Gail. That night Gail, who apparently shares her sister's hatred of clothing that covers her breasts, is murdered by Victoria. Craig becomes suspicious and drives over to break in, all to the tune of what sounds like a mashup of Porno and horror movie music, which is oddly appropriate. Craig finds out that Victoria killed Gail and an intensely hilarious botu of bad acting ensues as he decides to get rid of the body for her. Then.. Oh Shit! Mills comes back for absolutely no reason at all and stares at her, while Craig looks on with a constipated look on his face. Then we see the painting Victoria has been working on is a portrait of Craig with the exact same constipated face holdign a skeleton in front of a murderertastic background. Then the movie ends. Everything about this movie, from the gratuitous nudity, to the end credits that lists even characters who had names as "blackmailer", "father" etc., and even the short running time just screams "Porno". I highly suspect that they just edited out all the penetration and called it a horror movie. I give it a 3 out of five for entertainment, a 1/2 out of 5 for technical merit, and a 5 out of 5 for Titties.