Those aren't rumors. We're the same person. You are a fictional character. The videos are just me in a lab coat.
LIAR! YOU'RE WITH HIM NOW!
Really? Quoting the shitty Star Wars trilogy now?
HA! You knew where it was from! NERD!
That's because I wrote it. I'm you.
Impossible. I have a normal person torso, whereas you seem to have been born with the torso of some kind of prehistoric mega-fauna such as a giant sloth or buffalo. Also, I am a master of all I attempt, whereas you kind of suck at the only thing you claim to be good at! I have seen better writing from a monkey with a head injury randomly mashing his dick against a keyboard.
Writing? Such as the way I am writing both sides of this conversation?
In fact! I challenge you to a writing-things-off! We shall each write the beginning of a short story, and let the reader decided which story he wants to see finished!
Sure. I guess I could write the beginnings of two short stories.
Stop doing that! I shall show you we are not the same person by being WAY MORE TALENTED THAN YOU. I would have won a Pulitzer prize by now if it weren't for my bloodfeud with the Pulitzer family. I swear, you send ONE pallet of threatening undergarments and suddenly they stop accepting your entries!
That never happened. Also I don't think the Pulitzer family actually has anything to do with the prize anymore. Also, I accept your challenge.
I'll go first!
Atomic Cannibal Penis Monsters from Mars
By Doctor Thunder
And no one else.
“…999…1000!” Dr. Handsome T. Protagonist gently lifted the Russian Nuclear Submarine off his chest into the waiting arms of the 30 foot android hovering over his shoulders and sat up from the bench.
“Excellent work Doctor. ” The automaton chirped as it placed the submarine on a reinforced rack above the bench.
“Thank you Spottertron. I think I’ll take some time before the next set to cure the new strain of that virus I eradicated last week that’s sprung up in Poland.”
“It’s no wonder Doctor. The Poles are a filthy race.”
“True, but it is my duty to help them nonetheless” Dr. Protagonist said as he wiped sweat from his chiseled pecs. Satisfied that his muscular, perfectly toned body was dry, Dr. Protagonist got up and left his personal gym, heading down the corridors of his sprawling estate toward his main laboratory.
Suddenly a panel on the wall to his left slid open to reveal a monitor that followed his progress down the hallway.
“Incoming call from President Bumbling Obstacle of The United States. Shall I put it through?” The monitor asked him. Dr. Protagonist sighed and snapped his fingers, summoning a small robot carrying a pristine white lab coat.
“Put it through”
A sweaty, fat little man in an ill-fitting suit appeared on the monitor.
“President Obstacle.” Dr. Protagonist greeted him, as The President nodded.
“Dr. Protagonist, your country, nay, the entire planet needs you. Again.”
Dr. Protagonist rolled his eyes. “What is it this time Mr. President? Don’t tell me AIDS is back.”
“Worse. Three days ago a shuttle crash-landed outside of Chicago. The entire crew had their… well… their penises… eaten… by some sort of creature.”
“Do we know where the shuttle originated?”
“It came from Dr. Stupid Bastard’s Genitalogy lab on Mars.”
“That Stupid Bastard!” Dr. Protagonist punched the lab-coat fetching android in the face, shattering it into a million pieces. “Who knows what kind of experiments he could have been conducting up there, away from the governing laws of the American Penis Association!”
“The survivors describe the creature as some kind of pink, fleshy tree, that moves like a snake and immediately goes for the dick. Our initial survey team found high levels of radioactivity wherever the beast was reported to have been. Since then we have quarantined the entire area.”
“My god… an atomic cannibal penis monster… from MARS!” Dr. Protagonist slowly removed his glasses, “Mr. President, I am going to need a team of expert Penisologists and 1,000 of your gayest Stormtroopers.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the funding for that, I used it all implementing inferior European-style social programs! I can get you 1 Penisologist, 20 bisexual stormtroopers, and NBA star Dirk Nowitzki.”
“No! They have to be Gay!”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want these men freezing up at the sight of a giant cock bearing down at them.”
“Why not just send female soldiers?”
They then both shared a hearty laugh at this.
All the Time in the World
By Michael Armor
John awoke at 7:03am. He then got up, brushed his teeth, and got dressed. It was now 7:03am. John looked down at his alarm clock in puzzlement. He waited for what felt like five minutes but the numbers refused to change. The other functions of the clock seemed to work but the time did not change. Finally he decided to just unplug it and reset it manually. To his surprise, the time remained unchanged even with the plug out of the wall.
Confused, John went downstairs and found that every other clock in his house was similarly frozen. He saw his father sitting at the breakfast table.
“Hey Dad, what’s wrong with all the clocks?” John said as he walked up behind him. He received no answer. He shook his shoulder and his father sluggishly returned to the position it previously occupied. John waved a hand in front of his father’s face but the man stared glassily ahead at the newspaper clutched in his hands. John ripped the newspaper from his hands and was startled as it seemed to pull away from his hands toward those of his father. John let go and watched the newspaper float lazily back into his father’s grasp.
John’s investigation was cut short as he suddenly heard someone faintly singing outside. It was only then that he realized how impossibly quiet it was. He opened the door and stepped outside. In front of him, a jogger was frozen mid-stride. John searched for the source of the singing and saw an old man strolling down the street, singing Through the Fire and The Flames.
“Hey!” John said as he walked over to him, “Do you know what’s going on?”
Startled the Old Man stopped singing. He gave John an incredulous look as he approached.
“You’re not frozen…” the old man said, looking John over.
“Yeah…” John said, looking down at himself, “I guess not.”
“I know this sounds cliché but I’ve been waiting for you for a looong time.”
“Um… Ok.” John said.
The old man quickly pulled out a small silver pocket watch.
“The watch chose another!” The old man said, as he opened the pocket watch. Instead of a clock, however, the inside was blank, but for a red button. The old man pressed the button and sound returned to the world. Birds resumed chirping, cars honked in the distance and the jogger continued running.
“So… the watch stops time then…” John said slowly, “and it chooses people? Like the Green Lantern?”
“Apparently!” The old man said excitedly.
“You seem suspiciously eager to get rid of this thing.”
“I know, right?”
“Can I ask why?
“How old do you think I am?”
John looked the old man over. He was surprisingly well-dressed in a tailored suit with gold buttons. His hair was a dark grey and wrinkles creased his tan face.
“I don’t know… 80 something?”
“Physically, I am 86 years old. I was born 25 years ago.”
“Huh. So… the watch makes you grow older?”
“In a way, yes. Because when you are the only one moving forward through time, you tend to age a lot faster. But that’s not the only reason I want rid of this blasted thing. And why some day you will want to get rid of it too.” A sad look appeared in the old man’s eyes. “You probably think it’ll be fun to stop time. And it will be, trust me. You can do whatever you want with no consequences. Absolute Power. And Absolute Power corrupts absolutely. You see I was in college when I got the watch.” The old man paused for a moment as if trying to remember something, “I probably still am. I don’t remember ever graduating. At first I just used the watch for pranks and to give myself more time to study. But then I realized, ‘Why study at all?’ I just stopped time between questions and looked up the answer. And then it occurred to me that I didn’t need to waste time with college at all when I could just stop tiem and take whatever I wanted. Sure things clean themselves up when you disrupt them, but you can get around that. Before long I was robbing banks, slipping money out of people’s pockets, stealing food… eventually when I started to age too fast I had to create a new identity…and the women… I could get any woman I wanted and they never even knew...” he stopped again and stared off into space for a while and shuddered. John, attempted to slowly back away at this point but the old man grabbed his shoulder. “But I’m sure you’ll do much better my boy!”
“Um… cool…” John said as the old man gazed hungrily at him, “So… I kind of have to go.”
The old man laughed at this. “Why rush boy? You have all the time in the world now!” He slapped the watch into John’s hand and continued to laugh.
“I’m going to hell, my lad. And damn do I deserve it. But I have a good feeling about you.” He started to walk off but then stopped and turned back to John., “Say, would you mind stopping for a few hours? I have one last thing to take care of.”
John awkwardly fumbled with the watch until he got it open again. He pressed the button and the world stopped again. He waved goodbye and headed back into his house. Since he was no longer had to be anywhere anytime soon John decided to go back to bed for the few hours the old man requested. He tried to sleep but it would not come, as the possibilities of his new power rushed through his mind. After what seemed long enough, John let the world continue again and finished getting ready for class.
The next day John noticed an article on a news site as he waited in the library:
HOMELESS MAN FOUND DEAD IN BANK VAULT, AUTHORITIES BAFFLED.
The picture above the article showed the old man, in the center of the bank vault, with dozens of empty bottles of expensive alcohol clustered along the walls.
He reached down into his pocket and put a hand around the watch.
Really? That's your story? That's obviously the opening scene of Red Dawn.
Yep. Sure is.
So there you have it folks! Comment on this bitch and tell us (Me) which story should be finished! And by "which story" I of course mean "My story". Also light purple is a gay color to type in.
Your mom's a gay color to type in.
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