Dr. Thunder Episode 304

Nihao Bitches! Welcome back to Ask Dr. Thunder. Now, I totally intended to publish this entry on the 4th of July, in order to commemorate The United States secession from The Japanese empire. Yes, on that day in 1565 the North American Free People's Alliance celebrated repelling the vast Japanese invasion fleet from the shores of our nation's first capital, Laguna Beach, using a wide variety of fireworks in order to make the American wizards seem much more powerful then the novices they actually were. To this day we celebrate the wizard's deception by recreating it with a wide variety of colorful, illegal explosive devices!

However, thanks to my traditional 4th of July 4 hour keg stand, I am just now recovering from a massive hangover! So let's get started! Our first email comes from Johann Gutierrez from Guadalajara, Saxony. He writes:

Dear Dr. Thunder,

Now that Swine Flu has proven to be less apocalypticy than promised, I am in dire need of things to be needlessly terrified of! Is there any new super disease I can be afraid of on the horizon?

Well, Steven, you're in luck! On a research trip to an undisclosed mountain range in Chile, I stumbled upon a herd of Indian Elephants, imported by a group of Punic War reenactors and then abandoned that showed symptoms of a disease that, when passed on to humans, will not only cause a slwo, agonizing death over the course of a month, but will rape your wife, burn your house to the ground, and raise your children as its own. Then, when your friends ask about you, it will make disparaging comments about you, while running up enormous debt in your name. So there you go Stevey!

Dear Dr. Thunder,

How do we keep foreigners from stealing our jobs?

Well, Steven, since you did not specify which foreigners, or what country you are from I am forced to assume you are a Norwegian man outraged by Canadians coming in and stealing your menial labor positions. Well, the obviosu solution would be to construct some sort of wall around the perimeter of your country and fill the Norwegian coastline with depth charges calibrated to take out shitty rafts. However, the crafty Canadians will find a way around no matter how high or explosive you build your walls/depth charges. No, as long as Norway is a better place to live than Canada, they will find a way, because there will always be unscrupulous Norwegians willing to hire them for less than honest strapping Norwegian workers. So the real problem is that Canada is a festering, lawless shithole. Like all problems, this can be solved with money. Unfortunately, Canada has no money, possibly because all the workers are fleeing across the Atlantic. So one possible solution? Maybe put some factories or something in Canada. That will not only help build their economy, transforming it into less of a shithole, but also still allow Norwegian business owners to take advantage of dirt cheap Mexican labor. I mean Canadian. Then again, what do I know, I'm a doctor, not an economist. In fact I'm not sure why you would even ask me. It's almost like I am trying to stir up controversy so people will pay attention to me or something.

Well, I have to get started pre-gaming for my annual labor day fifty hour hedonism contest, so I am going to retire to the Cocainatorium. Remember to keep sending those emails to xtremedoctor@gmail.com and I wil lkeep pretending that I read them. You can also leave a quetion in the comments or soemthing, I don't know, I'm an economsit not a computer programmer.