Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 306

Well folks it's time once again for Ask Dr. Thunder! I haven't updated in a while because my computer was recently possessed by some sort of evil spirit and I was forced to exorcise it using 2,376 rounds of sanctified incendiary rifle rounds. Later I found out that it wasn't an evil spirit, just a small family of mice, who are now burning in mouse hell for daring to defy me. I imagine mouse hell is a lot like those old Tom and Jerry cartoons, except Tom always wins. There were actually a few episodes where Tom actually did win in the end and it sort of made me wonder "Is he going to eat Jerry now?" Because unlike Sylvester and Tweety Bird, Tom was only occasionally interested in eating Jerry. He mostly just hit him with stuff. Or he would be doing something and Jerry would just fuck up his day for no goddamn reason. It's like if the roadrunner came into Wile E. Coyote's house and just took a big fat dump on his carpet then was like "Meep Meep" and booked it. And then later he's like "Why is this guy being such a douche-bag?" My question is, why were the laws of physics themselves being such douche-bags to that poor poor coyote. I mean the dude was just hungry and it's not like there's a KFC out there in the desert or something. Anyway, on to the emails!

Jerald Gauldersson writes:
Dear Dr. Thunder,
So I have the worst boss ever, he's a dick to me all the time, but I just found out that I am going to be laid off at the end of the week from my buddy in HR. Can you help me quit in a way that really sticks it to my boss?

Well Steven, when leaving a job it's important to resist the temptation to burn bridges. After all, these people may be listed as a reference or they might even right you a letter of recommendation for your future careers. It's best to write a simple letter of resignation detailing your reasons for leaving and thanking them for the time you spent with them. Then, break into your boss's house, staple the note to his forehead, and then cut off his genitalia with a machete. Then say "Now that's what I call," (at this point you don sunglasses, even though it is nigth and you are inside) "...A Severance Package" And then scream YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH! and escape via fanboat. I hope that helps!

Dear Dr. Thunder,
Despite your repeated denials that you are Michael Armor, I noticed a lot of his writing appears on your blog, and in fact, predates the semi-regular Ask Dr. Thunder feature. How dod you explain this?

Well you got me. While I may not actually be lanky Mexican janitor Michale Armor, I did steal his identity and several pieces of his work in order to hide from my merciless harpy of an ex-wife. You see, back in 1996, my lovely wife Janet somehow transformed into some kind of slug-like bitch monster from the nag galaxy and so I immediately divorced her. Then she wouldn't shut up about me taking all of her possessions, and kidnapping her friends and giving her herpes. Of course what she doesn't tell you is that without that research we woudl have never known you can give someone herpes by shooting them with a crossbwo bolt that you just shot a prostitute with. And then to make matters worse, in 1999 she died in a tragic car accident over the Sea of Japan. I forgot the password to our joint Netflix account and so brought her back to life. Now she doesn't even need to take a break from nagging me to sleep or eat! Was it really worth it to watch the complete run of Sgt. Frog on my computer? Yes. Of course it was. But I needed to be able to post things on the internet so I had to become Michael Armor, Mexican janitor to avoid her relentless zombie bitchtaculosity. I mean the blog does have my name in it so the plan isn't really working too well but in my defense I came up with it while high on mescaline. But trying to come up with a plan while not high on mescaline is like trying to get all of your displaced time clones together in one place to practice our A Capella renditions of Slayer songs. The opportunity is rare is what I'm saying.
Anyway, I need to go make some calls to Dr. Thunder from 2016 to see if his Pilates class on Friday is canceled. You keep sendign in those emails and I will keep not even checking my inbox.
Auf Weidersehen!