Johnny Cactus

“Sweet Cactus Jesus, it is HOT!” Johnny said, as he stared up at the mid-day sun. Johnny was a 10 foot saguaro cactus, the only one around for miles.

                “Oh my god, I think I’m blacking out,” replied Jeffrey, the cactus mouse who, three hours ago, had slipped and impaled his back left leg on one of Johnny’s spines.

                “Do you ever stop bitching Jeffrey? Like, seriously? Is there like an off switch I can flip?” Johnny sighed and looked once again up at the unforgiving sun. Johnny hated the sun. For as long as he could remember, he had wanted to live in a nice, shady forest, maybe somewhere in Germany. Instead he was stuck here, in some god-forsaken desert in the American southwest. The only interesting thing that ever happened was occasionally some drunken teenagers would come out to the desert and have bonfires and parties. But did they ever offer Johnny a beer? No.

                “Fucking teenagers he muttered. Am I right Jeff?”

                “I can’t move the toes on my leg anymore. I… I think the nerves are dead.”

                “Stop trying to make everything about you Jeffrey.”

                Johnny once again resumed his favorite activity, willing his roots to move. He focused all his energy into lifting those roots, all of his dreams, and desires and his pain from the awful heat, his anger at the big flaming bastard in the sky. He could feel his roots twitching, the cellulose contracting. Just a bit more…

                “I have a family…” Jeffrey muttered, “I have sixteen children…”

                “God damn it Jeffrey!” Johnny said, “I am THIS close to escaping this blazing hell and you are just ruining it.”

                “I’m so thirsty…”

                “I bet you are Jeffrey. Maybe if you would keep your mouth shut for one second, you wouldn’t be so dehydrated. Now shut up and let me do this!”

                Johnny went back to concentrating on his roots and, sure enough, he felt them begin to move. With a girlish squeal of delight Johnny lifted himself off the ground on his roots. He swayed for a second and then dropped himself back down.

                “I did it Jeffrey! Now if I can just…”

                He lifted himself once again and slowly but surely inched forward on his roots.

                “Yes!” he shouted, “Yes! I’m moving! We’re getting the hell out of here Jeffrey!”

                “I think the bleeding’s finally stopped but the leg is dead.” Jeffrey sobbed.

                “Wow Jeff, way to take my big moment and make it all about you. Great job.” 

                With some practice, Johnny was able to shuffle himself forward a foot, then a another, and another, and soon he was marching across the desert at a brisk pace.

                “I can’t believe it!” He cried, as he shuffled through the desert, “I’m walking! The world is my oyster!” Soon he was able to swing his arms back and forth as well. Once the initial obstacle of walking was overcome he found that he had complete kinetic control of his massive body, down to the last spine.

                He laughed as he practiced going up and down sand dunes, he found a few scattered bushes and smashed them with his spiny arms, sucking the moisture from their broken bodies with the pores of his arms.

                “Shit yeah Jeff! I am a predator now!” He shouted, “Nothing can stop us now!”

                “I just… I just want to see my family again.” Jeffrey moaned, “I just want them to know I’m still alive.”

                “That’s right Jeff! We’re really alive now! We’re mobile, and there’s nothing in this world that can stop us.”

                As night began to fall, Johnny found a nice spot near an outcropping of rocks and settled down for the night.

                “Tomorrow Jeff,” he said, as he drifted into his nocturnal respiration cycle, “Tomorrow our lives begin!”

                “Please… just kill me.”

                The next day, Johnny took off across the desert, heading in the direction the teenagers took when they returned from the desert, leaving behind a trail of red plastic cups, empty kegs, and used condoms. Soon he came across a road.

                “We’ll need wheels if we’re gonna get anywhere Jeff!” Johnny said, as Jeffrey moaned softly in response. Johnny positioned himself near the side of the road and waited. After about twenty minutes Johnny spotted a car coming down the road. Johnny giggled with glee as it approached. When it was within about a hundred yards Johnny toppled himself into the road. The car jerked to a stop to avoid hitting him. After a few minutes of deliberation the couple in the car got out, intent finding a way to remove Johnny from their path.

                “Watch this buddy!” Johnny whispered to Jeffrey.

                As the man bent down, his hands wrapped in a jacket to protect him from Johnny’s spines, Johnny lashed out with an arm, smashing it into the man’s face. The woman screamed as Johnny bashed his spiny arm into the man’s face again and again. The woman tried to drag her companion away, but Johnny pushed off with another arm, rolling heavily over the man and bringing another arm down on the woman’s shoulder. A few more whacks and Johnny pierced some sort of artery, causing blood to spray all over him. Johnny happily sucked the moisture from the blood and then began sucking the man below him dry. Once he was sure the couple was dead, Johnny carefully pushed himself off the man.

                “There we go! We have a car now!” Johnny said as he shoved himself in through the door.

                “You’re a monster.” Jeffrey said, wiping blood from his tiny, furry face.

                “Real mature Jeff.” Johnny said, contorting himself into the car. He reached a pair of arms down to reach the pedals and placed another on the steering wheel. He depressed the accelerator and they were off, the lower part of his body still jutting forth from the side door.

                “Next stop, Germany!” Johnny said as they took off down the road.

                “Every second is agony.” Jeffrey replied.