“Sweet Cactus Jesus, it is HOT!” Johnny said, as he stared
up at the mid-day sun. Johnny was a 10 foot saguaro cactus, the only one around
for miles.
“Oh my
god, I think I’m blacking out,” replied Jeffrey, the cactus mouse who, three
hours ago, had slipped and impaled his back left leg on one of Johnny’s spines.
“Do you
ever stop bitching Jeffrey? Like, seriously? Is there like an off switch I can
flip?” Johnny sighed and looked once again up at the unforgiving sun. Johnny
hated the sun. For as long as he could remember, he had wanted to live in a
nice, shady forest, maybe somewhere in Germany. Instead he was stuck here, in
some god-forsaken desert in the American southwest. The only interesting thing
that ever happened was occasionally some drunken teenagers would come out to
the desert and have bonfires and parties. But did they ever offer Johnny a
beer? No.
“Fucking
teenagers he muttered. Am I right Jeff?”
“I
can’t move the toes on my leg anymore. I… I think the nerves are dead.”
“Stop
trying to make everything about you Jeffrey.”
Johnny
once again resumed his favorite activity, willing his roots to move. He focused
all his energy into lifting those roots, all of his dreams, and desires and his
pain from the awful heat, his anger at the big flaming bastard in the sky. He
could feel his roots twitching, the cellulose contracting. Just a bit more…
“I have
a family…” Jeffrey muttered, “I have sixteen children…”
“God
damn it Jeffrey!” Johnny said, “I am THIS close to escaping this blazing hell
and you are just ruining it.”
“I’m so
thirsty…”
“I bet
you are Jeffrey. Maybe if you would keep your mouth shut for one second, you
wouldn’t be so dehydrated. Now shut up and let me do this!”
Johnny
went back to concentrating on his roots and, sure enough, he felt them begin to
move. With a girlish squeal of delight Johnny lifted himself off the ground on
his roots. He swayed for a second and then dropped himself back down.
“I did
it Jeffrey! Now if I can just…”
He
lifted himself once again and slowly but surely inched forward on his roots.
“Yes!”
he shouted, “Yes! I’m moving! We’re getting the hell out of here Jeffrey!”
“I
think the bleeding’s finally stopped but the leg is dead.” Jeffrey sobbed.
“Wow
Jeff, way to take my big moment and make it all about you. Great job.”
With
some practice, Johnny was able to shuffle himself forward a foot, then a
another, and another, and soon he was marching across the desert at a brisk
pace.
“I
can’t believe it!” He cried, as he shuffled through the desert, “I’m walking!
The world is my oyster!” Soon he was able to swing his arms back and forth as
well. Once the initial obstacle of walking was overcome he found that he had
complete kinetic control of his massive body, down to the last spine.
He
laughed as he practiced going up and down sand dunes, he found a few scattered
bushes and smashed them with his spiny arms, sucking the moisture from their
broken bodies with the pores of his arms.
“Shit
yeah Jeff! I am a predator now!” He shouted, “Nothing can stop us now!”
“I
just… I just want to see my family again.” Jeffrey moaned, “I just want them to
know I’m still alive.”
“That’s
right Jeff! We’re really alive now! We’re mobile, and there’s nothing in this
world that can stop us.”
As
night began to fall, Johnny found a nice spot near an outcropping of rocks and
settled down for the night.
“Tomorrow
Jeff,” he said, as he drifted into his nocturnal respiration cycle, “Tomorrow
our lives begin!”
“Please…
just kill me.”
The
next day, Johnny took off across the desert, heading in the direction the
teenagers took when they returned from the desert, leaving behind a trail of
red plastic cups, empty kegs, and used condoms. Soon he came across a road.
“We’ll
need wheels if we’re gonna get anywhere Jeff!” Johnny said, as Jeffrey moaned
softly in response. Johnny positioned himself near the side of the road and
waited. After about twenty minutes Johnny spotted a car coming down the road.
Johnny giggled with glee as it approached. When it was within about a hundred
yards Johnny toppled himself into the road. The car jerked to a stop to avoid
hitting him. After a few minutes of deliberation the couple in the car got out,
intent finding a way to remove Johnny from their path.
“Watch
this buddy!” Johnny whispered to Jeffrey.
As the
man bent down, his hands wrapped in a jacket to protect him from Johnny’s
spines, Johnny lashed out with an arm, smashing it into the man’s face. The
woman screamed as Johnny bashed his spiny arm into the man’s face again and
again. The woman tried to drag her companion away, but Johnny pushed off with
another arm, rolling heavily over the man and bringing another arm down on the
woman’s shoulder. A few more whacks and Johnny pierced some sort of artery,
causing blood to spray all over him. Johnny happily sucked the moisture from
the blood and then began sucking the man below him dry. Once he was sure the
couple was dead, Johnny carefully pushed himself off the man.
“There
we go! We have a car now!” Johnny said as he shoved himself in through the
door.
“You’re
a monster.” Jeffrey said, wiping blood from his tiny, furry face.
“Real
mature Jeff.” Johnny said, contorting himself into the car. He reached a pair
of arms down to reach the pedals and placed another on the steering wheel. He
depressed the accelerator and they were off, the lower part of his body still
jutting forth from the side door.
“Next
stop, Germany!” Johnny said as they took off down the road.
“Every
second is agony.” Jeffrey replied.
