Ask Dr. Thunder Episode 312

Good Morning Sunshine, it's time for another exciting episode of Ask Dr. Thunder! You may be disappointed that there isn't another video this week, but then again, you may be a serial rapist, and so why should we care about your opinion? You have nonconsensual sex with people. Like on a regular basis. That's pretty fucked up.

You. Maybe.

Anyways, I can't post a video this week because the risk is too great. It seems my bitch of an ex-wife Karen has assembled a whole vicious assortment of my ex-wives to pool their resources, or should I say, my resources, in order to better afford lawyers, private investigators, and private mercenaries to extract the rest of my resources. I like to call them the Spiteful Harridan Society, and they will stop at nothing to receive the unjust court ordered alimony payments they think they deserve. But that's not important right now. If you wanted to learn about whiny, money-grubbing whores you'd watch Sex and the City. Let's get to some emails.

Dear Dr.Thunder,
My wife is due to give birth to our first child any day now and I am extremely nervous about becoming a father. Do you have any advice for me?.

Well Stephen, as you may know, I have contributed genetic material to probably dozens of children over the years, and I have never become a father. It might be more difficult for you since you made the mistake of marrying the mother, but I think with the proper legal counsel, you could get yourself a sweet gig as a fun uncle, or a big brother. If she does insist on you assuming the mantle of fatherhood, just remember the many benefits of babies. For example, a baby is much more effective than a bulletproof vest, as many thugs are terrified by their gigantic heads and tiny. tiny hands.

Plus they can protect vital organs in a fall.

Our next email comes from Becky in Michigan, Becky writes:

Dear Dr.Thunder,
I have grown sick of the traditional dating scene so I decided to try online dating. However, it turns out most dating sites charge an exorbitant amount of money to access even the basic features of the site! I want to find love, but I don't have that kind of cash! Is there another way?

Well Stephen, you're in luck! I have just started up an absolutely free dating service called ThunderDate! We believe that, under the right circumstances, any two people of roughly the same level of attractiveness can fall in love, at least for a little while. As someone who has been married roughly 114 times over the past 20 years, there is no one more familiar with love than me. As it turns out, love is just a chemical reaction in your brain, that can be easily simulated with drugs! Sure, as you get to know each other, you will most likely find that you have nothing in common but by then it will be too late!

Completely conflicting personalities, but don't they look nice together?

The way our system works, is, you send us a picture and you are matched based, on looks, with someone who is about as good looking as you are. Our love commandos then manipulate your lives so that you fall in love with each other. Unless you are an attractive woman, then you receive a free copy of my best selling self-help book, Why You Should Have Sex With Dr. Thunder, and you will learn how all of your life's problems can be solved by allowing me to put my penis in and around your body. Then afterward, you receive a free pamphlet on the benefits of membership in the Spiteful Harridan Society, one of the largest growing organizations in the Pacific Northwest.
Our last email comes from Little Johnny in Kennecticut. Johnny writes:

Dear Dr. Thunder.
There is this group of mean kids that keep picking on me at school. I've tried telling an adult but whenever I do, the kids just beat me up even worse afterward. Is there nothing I can do?

Well Stephen, have you tried simply talking to these "bullies", maybe inviting them out to coffee, and then killing them? It may sound extreme but if you show up to school with a necklace made with the fingerbones of those who dared to defy you, it will warn off any other bullies who may be tempted to step in and fill the void. It's important that you kill them in such a way that can't actually be tied to you in a legal way, but sends a clear message about who is responsible to those it concerns. Might I suggest a "gas leak" explosion, that by sheer coincidence burns your initials into the wall. I suggest using a middleman that can't be traced back to you, like a delightful talking squirrel. No one ever suspects delightful woodland creatures in explosion based crimes against adolescents.it

Squirrels are nature's demolition experts.

 So now that I got to use the funny picture of a squirrel I found, it's time for me to go. Remember to keep sending in those emails, and I will keep pretending to read them. Dr. Thunder out!