How I Lost my Wallet (The Tale of the Spiderking)

So I was camping and since Monterey was only about an hour or so away I decided to go visit the aquarium. With my daughter. On a Tuesday. Unfortunately, I was warned against this by a talking squirrel. To protect his identity I shall refer to him simply as "Colonel Doogan Zanzibar of the 115th Liberian People's Militia". I would later findout he had been drinking bacon grease (which is the equivalent of 90 proof liquor to squirrels) but at the time he seemed a trustworthy rodent. He gave me $500 and told me to wait in a clearing atop a mountain. There I met a man, clad in a blood red suit of armor accesorized with pink pearl earrings who introduced himself as Rakdar of the North. He took the money the squirrel gave me and handed me a sword, whioch appeared to be glowing faintly, a sickly green color. He then led me down a winding path on the other side of the mountain into a grove of increasingly dense black trees. At the bottom of the mountainwe met another man, clad in faded linens and a simple turban. This was Al-Farid Son of the Desert Wind. He had a short conversation with Rakdar in a language I did not understand which appeared to regard a gentleman known as the Spiderking. At one point, Al-Farid gestured toward my sword, which I now realised was glowing a bright neon green. Suddenly a loud, primal scream ended their conversation and I looked up at Al-Farid just in time to see the mysterious man being lifted into the air by a pair of enormous spider legs. The legs were connected to a body nearly three feet wide, with six more legs propelling the beast into the open. However, in place of a head there was the torso of a wild looking man, bare chested and holdign a pair of curved swords. On his head was a crown woven from spider silk. Al-Farid managed to free himself and ducked away as Rakdar drew his own sword. He shouted a fierce warcry and battle was joined.After a fierce confrontation during which Rakdar took three of the beast's legs in exchange for a bloody chunk of hsi shoulder, he subdued the monster and instructed me to finish off the Spiderking with my own blade, which now glowed with an unnatural green fire in the prescence of the thing it was forged to slay. I plunged the blade into the heart of the monster's torso and he let out an earth shattering scream before dissolving in to a cloud of green mist. When the mist dissipated Rakdar, the SPiderking, and AL-Farid were gone, along with my clothes, the sword, and my wallet. It turned out that Colonel Zanzibar, Rakdar, and Al-Farid were travelling Gypsy conmen and I had fallen for one of the oldest grifts in the book.